SAX
Istared across the table at the twerp, but it did nothing to quell the anger surging in me. No, that wasn't quite right—the fear and anxiety. It had been a crippling realization last Friday that I was too happy.
When Atticus called to tell me what he’d discovered, it hit me that I’d only been kidding myself. Even with the other guys in the relationship, I was beginning to wonder if I could make her happy; if I would be enough. She’d get tired of me eventually, and the allure of dating a giant, bearded, and perverted mute wouldn’t be fun anymore.
Grinding my teeth, I slapped the table, the kid sputtering in surprise, but it still wasn’t enough. I needed to punch something, and he just wasn’t cutting it. Violently, I shoved away from the table, the screech of the chair across the floor ringing out as thoughts swirled in my head.
I wasn’t enough.
In fact, I knew I wasn't, not on my own. But was I holding on to false hope that I could be with the others? Or was that a deluded fantasy as well?
I was too damaged. That was the reality.
Hearing Brian had hurt Loren and violated her in such a horrific way, had made me want to run out and kill him. I didn’t even question it. It popped into my head, and I was halfway to the door before I realized it and stopped all thoughts of murder.
Picturing what Loren would think of me when she heard, how my spitfire might look at me differently, had frozen me in indecision. This need inside me, this thirst to make the people who hurt her pay, couldn’t be extinguished, and nothing short of vengeance would satisfy it.
It was the inevitable look of disgust on her face that halted my actions.
So, I’d rushed over, held her close, and watched over her as much as I could. But the pain didn’t go away. The fear and the panic only intensified, and the monster inside me grew. I’d lose her.
Glaring at Cameron as I leaned against the table, towering over him, I tried to pry the location out of him through sheer will. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to work and only made him hiccup louder, his snotty nose and tear-streaked face a disgusting sight. He clearly wasn’t as important as he thought, the mere fact he had no interrogation training a dead giveaway.
Pushing off from the table, I stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind me as he cried louder. The sound of my stomps echoed around the warehouse with each step, giving a fair warning to my mood. A few guys nodded, but I ignored them; nothing but the assholes who deemed it okay to hurt Loren, and my quest to not become the monster living in me occupied my mind.
Images of how upset she’d been swirled through my head, reinforcing my need to take care of them. If they were gone, they couldn't hurt her anymore, and I began to think I would rather that be the possibility than lose her due to my own choices.
This way, I could be prepared for it. If I was going to lose her, I’d rather it be by me than someone deciding to take her away. At least through my own actions, I could mitigate the damage if I took out all the things that could harm her.
Pulling that string, though, felt like defeat, and I was slowly losing control. I could feel the edges of reality slipping, and soon I would either succumb to the desire to rain down my own form of justice, or I’d crack under pressure.
I couldn’t afford to do either. Something had to change.
Right now, finding information was something I could handle. Ignoring everything, I headed to the next cell. Time to see if Mason was willing to play.
Wrenching open the door, I watched his smug face spread wide as he took in my pissed-off demeanor. He really should’ve learned by now not to play with fire. Walking up, I pulled back my fist and punched him, finally finding something to mete out my rage. Unfortunately, while it felt good, my punch might’ve been a little overkill, considering I punched him unconscious.
“Well, fuck,” I muttered, turning to leave.
Locking the door behind me, I leaned back against it and sighed.
Topher looked at me, giving me a long look but keeping his thoughts to himself. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I snapped.
“What?”
“Nothing, man.” He held his hands up in a placating gesture, only pissing me off more.
“Don't say nothing! You've been looking at me so close; it’s like you're trying to see what size boxers I wear!” I glared at him, lifting my eyebrow. I caught the small corner of his lip twitch, and some of my anger quelled. “What's on your mind, Topher? Spit it out, already.”
“It's just,” he started, swallowing as he met my eyes. “I think you're running from the wrong thing and looking for something to make sense when it's not going to.”
Fire burned inside of me, and I glared at him. “And, just what do you know?”
“I know I've been in this family for a long time and that Loren is the first person to come into it and make all of you hardened mafia men smile. I know that unspeakable things happened to our princess, but I see her laughing and blooming into the beautiful woman she is now. I see our family prospering for the first time in years. I see a family who had started to hate what it meant to be a Mascro stepping up and taking pride in the name. I see all these things. And I see you on the brink of losing it all because you can't handle your feelings.”
I deflated at his answer, my whole body sagging against the door like a wilted flower. Slowly, I looked up, finding him watching me.
“But what if I lose it all?”