Yes, sometimes things would hurt me, and I couldn’t control those moments when I would be reminded of my grief out of nowhere, but I didn’t have to give into them like the thoughts wanted me to. Because life wasn’t just pain, just like it wasn’t always winter.
There was love, joy, and hope. There were dog kisses and friends who made me laugh. There were teens who showed me strength as they figured out the world. There were mafia men, damaged and broken men who showed me they were capable of more than one thing and that they could cherish me.
There were so many things in my life that I didn’t have to give in to the pain, letting it swallow me whole.
Losing my child would never not hurt.
Losing my ability to bear children at all would never not bring me pain.
But they weren’t the only things in my life, they didn’t define me. I could hold both the pain of those losses and the joy of all the others together without having to ignore one. It was the lightbulb moment I needed for myself to understand their relationship and how they affected one another. I felt the fissure in my heart fill in, no longer dividing the two sections but sealing them together as one.
And the thing that bridged that divide—love.
Love for myself, love for others, and love for whatever my future would bring.
Vowing to myself to always remember this moment, I closed my eyes, securing it away. To the observer, it might seem like a woman stood silently petting two dogs, but internally, a battle had been waged and won. No one else would know the significance of this, but I would, and I would protect it at all costs.
As my body relaxed, accepting this new state of being, I felt the dogs lessen the pressure against me as they laid down, looking up. Dogs really were magical beings, and I knew my idea of training them both hadn’t been a foolish one, and I grew even more excited at the possibilities ahead of me with the both of them.
Sitting down, I loved on the two of them, losing myself in their soft kisses and pets.
* * *
Judeand I gathered our belongings, ready to head back to our place. We’d had lunch and showered, and I knew we needed to get back and prepare for the week despite not wanting to leave. Pushing the last item into my bag, I zipped it up and pulled it off the bed, making my way out the door. I came up short when I found Atticus standing on the threshold, his fist raised to knock.
“Atticus!” I smiled, leaning up to kiss his cheek. It still surprised me at times how much our dynamic had changed once he let his walls down. His hands fell to rest on my hips, and when I pulled back, I found him smiling at me.
“Loren, I was wondering if I could ask you on a date?”
“You were wondering, or you wanted to?” I teased.
He chuckled, bowing his head. “Apologies, yes, I want to. You take my breath away, that sometimes, I find myself fumbling for words.”
It was said so innocently, but it had my heart racing. Atticus was so much more than the man he presented to others, and I wondered if he knew the one he shared with the people he trusted was worth more than the cold, distant one. Knowing his history now, I doubted he did.
“I would love to go on a date with you. When?”
“How about Wednesday?”
“Perfect. Anything I should know?”
“Hmm, I like the idea of surprising you, but I will tell you that you can dress casually. I’ll even, um, wear jeans.”
His face scrunched up at the thought, but something about seeing the always-suited man in a pair of blue jeans had me squirming. Atticus didn’t miss it and was suddenly smiling, pushing me up against the wall.
“Something tells me you like that idea, and now I suddenly find myself wanting to wear them all the time. The things you do to me, Bellezza,” he whispered, rubbing his nose up the column of my neck.
I dropped the bag, my arms wrapping around his neck as I threaded my fingers in the back of his hair. It was such a luxurious thing to do, the strands thick and silky; I moaned at the sensation. The sound caused him to growl, the vibration sending shivers down my body, and I desperately wanted to lift my leg and rub up against him. It hadn’t even been 24 hrs yet since I’d last been fucked, but I wanted it again, badly. Between kissing Wells and now Atticus, I was bound to rub myself all over the next person like a cat if I didn’t curb this.
“The need to take you into this room, slam the door, and not let you leave for days is so high right now.” He thrust a little into me, showing me how turned on he was as well. The move caused me to whimper, and Atticus nipped my neck in response. “But,” he purred, managing to pull himself back with Herculean strength, “I’m respecting what you said the other night at Upswing. I want to earn your trust with your heart before I fall prey to your body.”
“I’m starting to regret saying that. Are you sure that was me?” I joked, straightening myself. I found it a little easier now that his body wasn’t pressed into me.
“I'll see you Wednesday, Lore. Let me know when you’re done with work, and I’ll pick you up.”
“Okay.” The sound came out breathless, but thankfully, Atticus pulled himself away, walking quickly in the other direction. It took a few moments, but I eventually gathered myself and made my way to the foyer. Jude was waiting and gave me an odd look when I stepped off the last step, but thankfully didn’t say anything.
I was kind of sad when only Beau went with us, not getting to say bye to Sax or Nicco, but it was probably for the best, so I didn’t make a fool of myself in front of my foster son.
Jude and I decided it would be a good night for laundry and takeout when we got back. Queuing up Netflix, I sat back as a load whirled in the machine, and I knew this was the life I wanted to have. Snuggling with Jude on the couch as we watched some show, eating greasy food, and knowing that there were men out there who cared about us was everything.
My life wasn’t perfect by any means, and I still had shit to work out with my ex-husband and mother, but it was one I’d made on my own, and something about that made it mean more.