I knew what that meant for my life, too. Loren was someone I was willing to figure things out with, no matter what it looked like. I didn’t know how it would work, but it was a path I would explore for her.
Immy and Jude walked back, plates in hand, big smiles on their faces as they flirted with one another. Jacqueline stomped off when I didn’t respond, passing them. I could only assume a scathing look was directed at them, and I watched with pride as Jude rolled his eyes at her. Apparently, there was no love lost there either. I would need to ask him about the situation later to make sure there wasn’t something I was missing.
The thought had surged up unencumbered, but the reality of it warmed me. My protective gene had been triggered, wanting to make sure both Jude and Loren were safe. She’d been right earlier that I’d failed him, and in turn, her. I had known the full scope and could’ve called Ignite to find him a temporary place, but I’d neglected it, more focused on my own wants and what I’d lost. I’d been self-absorbed.
The fact I’d forgotten about the youth center also riled me up. It had become a secret passion project of mine after all. When I heard about the troubles there, I couldn’t standby and let it disappear. It had always been a good place, even if the name had suggested otherwise. When I was younger, it had even been a haven for me. While I’d been taken in by Dayton and the family when my mom died, it was still hard to feel like I belonged.
Surprisingly, it was Dayton who had encouraged me to go. He’d been on the board at that time, and it had turned out to be a good suggestion. I found resources and support there to encourage me with my art. Before long, I had friends outside of the family, giving me a safe place to belong. It showed me there was life outside of the mafia. I just had to dream it.
When the scandal broke, and the potential closure of the place, I stepped in. People in this city needed a place for kids to learn and feel safe. I hoped by staying anonymous, by keeping the Mascro name separate, it might be able to be the place it was meant to be this time. I’d intentionally hired Mitzi to run it, hoping her connection with the Chicago elite would help draw in donors and give it prestige, helping it in the long run. So far, it seemed to be doing well under her management and supervision.
The first things I’d changed were the board of directors and name, needing something new to be reborn in the fire. I hadn’t intended to name it after the shop, but it was also my rebirth, representing the better parts of me, the life outside the dark crime world.
Ignite Youth Center was a thriving place, and lots of kids were able to get the support, safety, and resources they needed to thrive. It felt good to be responsible for that. Seeing Jude as part of it was confirmation I was on the right path.
I didn’t mind that no one knew I was responsible for it, well, I guess Atticus knew, but I liked it better this way. I didn’t have to worry if people were only friendly to me because of it or wanted something from me. I’d been left with a large sum of money from my father, the Mascro family trust switching over on my twenty-fifth birthday, but it felt wrong to use it. At least this way, I could give back, and it felt better used.
It was a slippery slope hiding behind the name in obscurity, and I knew I needed to tell Loren, but I didn’t want her to change her mind about me only because of that. I didn’t want to sway her with it. For some reason, it felt like cheating, using something that should be done out of merit, not for praise. It would be the easy option, and I wanted to win her over because of who I was and not only the good deeds I’d performed. But I guess there was also a tiny part of me that worried it would be seen as a betrayal, and I didn’t want that either.
There were already too many secrets between us; I didn’t want to add another.
Sax and Loren walked in a few moments later, and I could tell what they’d been up to. Loren’s complexion was rosy, and her body looked more relaxed as she held his hand, walking toward us. Jealousy surged again, but it wasn’t an all-consuming type. In fact, I think I was just jealous of the time they got to spend together, not of Sax, not of what they’d done.
Weird.
Maybe this relationship would work better than I thought. But first, I had to get her to forgive me, to give me a chance.
A slow song started to play, and I decided to take Immy’s advice. Jumping up, I gave the two teens a look to stay at the table until Sax returned. Immy rolled her eyes, but Jude nodded, accepting my demand. I was beginning to really like the kid, and what he brought to both Loren and Immy’s lives.
Striding toward them, I took my shot and used all the cocky swagger I had in me as I approached. “Beautiful, can I have this dance?”
They both stopped, Sax smirking at me with his crooked smile and knowing eyes, but he didn’t try to derail me. That said something.
“Hi. Yeah, okay, I guess that would be okay. I, um, sure, uh-huh.”
Her stutter was adorable, lifting my lips at the corner, knowing I still affected her, hoping it was a good sign. Taking her hand, I pulled her out onto the dance floor before she could regain her composure. I almost sighed with relief with how good it felt to have her in my arms.
Pulling her close, Loren’s smell surrounded me. Dropping my head into her neck, I breathed her in and sighed out loud. “God, I’ve missed you, Beautiful.”
I didn’t miss the way she melted in my arms at the sound, her body melding to mine. I knew I would never be able to walk away from her again. How I’d done it the first time was a complete mystery.
The music played, and we swayed in our position, two bodies joined together almost indecently for a wedding, but I didn’t care. Her arms felt too good around me for me to care about offending some rich white women.
For a moment, I could believe it was just us, that we were on this dance floor dancing and had come together tonight. She entwined her arms tighter, spurring me on to believe that all wasn’t lost between us. For how could it be when she held me like this? There was no way she didn’t care about me. I had to believe it, at least.
I was at the point that even if Loren decided she didn’t love me, that she couldn’t be with me, I would be in her life regardless, in any shape or form. It would hurt to see her be happy with others, but I would rather be part of her world than nothing. The things she brought to me were irreplaceable. Loren didn’t realize the light she had. She was a comfort, a dream, a purity that was difficult to find. She was the way out of the life I had always felt damned by.
All the darkness I’d been around, all of the violence and cruelty, it disappeared when she was with me. Loren was a soft caress, a gentle smile. She was enjoying your favorite pizza and laughing at stupid things. With Loren, everything felt natural.
“I missed you too, Nicco.”
Her words were whispered, but I heard them, breaking through the last layer I’d held onto. I’d always thought I used a shield to hide the mafia part of my life from everyone else, but perhaps, I’d hidden from life instead. After experiencing the freedom to be ‘Nicco’ without having to be ‘crime family Nicco,’ or ‘art teacher Nicco,’ or even ‘tattoo shop owner Nicco,’ and simply be me, I could not only see the difference but feel it. Loren taught me how to just be and accept the parts of me I hadn’t ever wanted to face.
I could see Loren doing that with Immy as well. I knew Immy still had a lot to learn and process, that she wasn’t healed completely. But she was no longer shriveled up in a ball crying in the corner, metaphorically speaking. Imogen now held herself together, and I could see the strength emerging in her that she would need for this life. And perhaps, that was what I realized the most.
Twirling her around, I held her close, needing to feel her and know it wasn’t a dream. “You’re a great dancer, Beautiful. I almost want you to pinch me so I know I’m not dreaming.” Loren looked up at me, a soft smile on her lips, but I could still see the hurt and fear lingering there, and it gutted me.
All the dreams I’d ever had were about running away, about having something separate from the family and leaving that responsibility behind. But why couldn’t I have it all together? Why did the mafia have to be separate from my other dreams? Immy had said it perfectly—life and family were complex no matter who they were. Why not enjoy having the people around you that you wanted. Especially with the power we had. Why did I keep feeling like I had to choose? What if this was a perfect ‘why choose’ moment?