Leaning against the shower wall, I braced my arms as the water rolled down my back, pooling at my feet. I barely slept last night. The worries of protecting the family and keeping everyone safe haunted me. Especially after Wells reported the encounter Mrs. Carter had. Darren was proving to be more nefarious than I’d given him credit for.
The realization I might not be up for this fight hit me. Inadequacy at not being able to root out Delgado's plan assaulted my every waking moment. Everywhere I looked, I saw the casualties, my ineptness at distinguishing risks and pitfalls. I was failing.
I was meant to be better than this.
I'd been groomed my entire life to be this badass, ruthless mafia boss searing fear into his foes, and yet I'd run scared, hiding away while Delgado flourished even more in my absence. I’d been a fool, playing into his hands.
It had been a most grievous mistake. One I was now paying for.
Despite pretending things were better, and moving us out of lockdown, I still had no clue about the actual game or players.
But I was done being weak.
It was time to strike out and maneuver ourselves into a position of power. I might not know what board we were using, but I wouldn’t find out by hiding in the corners. I needed to play in order to gain any traction. I only hoped I could live with the consequences.
Lifting my head, the water sluiced over my face, the scalding temperature a welcome relief to the ice I felt in my veins. Steam billowed around me, and I found comfort in the obscurity. I used to be safe in my home, able to drop the mask and be free.
Now, the only place I could do that was here, in a four hundred square foot bathroom. It was the only place without cameras, the only place I was ever truly alone. The only place I didn't have to be everything and have it all together.
Even in my home now, I'd been relegated to being 'the Suit' and everything the moniker implied. It was no longer acceptable to just be him 90% of the time. Lives were lost in the moments I wasn't completely on guard. I couldn't lose anyone else. The image of Mrs. Carter lying broken in her hospital room was enough to remind me what was at stake.
She haunted me now.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn't get her out of my head. The few short moments I'd been in her presence played on a loop. I'd become fluent in her mannerisms from those few encounters. The most significant one being the time I hadn't even known it was her. Thoughts of her against me, my fingers in her dripping wet center, had me squeezing my straining cock each time I recalled them, even now.
Every time I jerked off to thoughts of her, I hated myself a little more, but I couldn't stop. I'd never admitted it to Sax, or fuck, even Nicco, but I was jealous of them. They could be with her when I couldn't. A stolen moment in secret was all I had, so I allowed myself to indulge the fantasy even if it only made me want her more.
My obsession had become so bad, I swear I’d heard her moans in my sleep last night. Soon, I wouldn’t be able to breathe without hearing her.
Thinking about her body, the way her curves felt against me, I squeezed and trailed my hand up faster. I imagined what it would be like to be inside her, my cock growing thicker from want. I regretted not taking the chance last time before things became complicated. Stroking even faster, I squeezed the base as I imagined fucking her between Sax and me. Taking her ass while he plunged into her pussy, the ultimate feeling of tightness as she squeezed around me. This was it. My breathing quickened, my hand a blur now as I chased my orgasm.
"Fuck."
My moans rang out around the shower, my cum washing down the drain, and I bent my head down against the wall as my breathing slowed. Coming down from the orgasm, I pretended not to hate myself. The sad part was, these forbidden moments in my shower were the best of my day.
Shutting off the water, I grabbed the towel and dried myself, gearing up for returning to the Suit. Guilt had already begun building for taking brief moments to shed everything and indulge in the escape Loren brought me. I was beginning to realize they'd become as necessary as eating. If I stopped, who would I become, if not my father?
I didn't want to travel down the same paths as him, and having people I cared about kept me firmly cemented in knowing what was at stake. I wouldn't put her life at risk by getting involved with her. Because I knew if I did, I'd be all in, becoming a possessive alpha hellbent on nothing but protecting her. And maybe that wouldn't be such a horrible thing, but I wasn't selfish enough to do it. Yet.
Loren had a life that wasn't mafia. She had a job, a family, and other lovers that could give her things I couldn't. I wouldn't take it away from her just to satisfy my hunger. Because as much as I enjoyed thinking about her between Sax and me, I didn't know if I could share, and that was turning out to be the biggest surprise of all.
I'd never felt this possessive or jealous before. It shook me to my core and altered the foundation of what I believed about myself and who I was.
It was a risk I couldn't take for a woman I hadn't spent more than a few hours with. For a woman I'd never been inside. For a woman who was too pure for this dark world.
If I hadn't found her website myself, I would almost believe she was a honeypot, sent to distract me from the Delgados so someone else could sweep in and disarm us from the inside out. I'd done extensive checks on her, though, and knew her history backward and forward. She wasn't meant to be anything more than a means to an end. I thought she'd be safe, but Mrs. Carter was turning out to be the most surprising key to this whole thing, giving those closest to me a cause.
Dressing in a navy suit and grey button-down. I decided to opt-out of a tie today since it was Saturday, I would live a little.
The comment had me chuckling, causing the duo I stumbled upon in the breakfast nook to glance up. I stopped midway through the door, shock and disbelief covering my face before I quickly shut it down.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Sitting practically in Sax's lap, wearing only his button-down white dress shirt, was the woman I'd been imagining naked and masturbating to for the past hour, in the flesh.
"Mrs. Carter. I can officially say I'm surprised to see you here."
Sax watched me closely, his hand possessively on her hip, the other holding a coffee cup as he brought it to his lips. I didn't miss the smug smile that played there before he drank from it, either.