Saturday morning brought a slew of emotions I wasn't prepared for. Yesterday was so unexpected. Spending the day with Monroe, Levi, and Jude was everything I'd wanted for years but felt so foreign now. Even today, I wondered if I'd merely dreamt it all. Luckily, the box of cookies on my counter told me differently.
When I'd gotten back from dropping off Jude, they were sitting in front of my door with a handwritten note in a kid's scribble.
Loren,
You forgot your cookies. I wanted to eat them all, but my dad said that wouldn't be nice. I hope we can hang out again.
Levi
It was unexpected and sent a smile to my face. Even now, I couldn't bring myself to eat a cookie because I enjoyed looking at them and remembering the little boy who had talked to me for twenty minutes about why these cookies were the absolute best. Levi's dad also kept replaying through my head. When I'd been facing off with Brian, his tenderness, the understanding way he accepted my answers and hesitation, and his kindness toward the kids made me feel things I wasn't used to experiencing.
I had to face facts, Monroe was a great guy.
Part of me wondered if my subconscious knew from the beginning, and that was why I tried to ignore him as much as I did. Because if I had allowed myself to want, to dream, to believe… then I would inevitably be hurt again. Hope was dangerous, and I wasn't sure I was ready for it yet. The warm and comforting feelings that lingered, though, begged to differ.
Deciding to ride this momentum, I grabbed my gym bag and coat and headed out my door. As I walked by 18D, I unintentionally slowed, but no sound or movement escaped the door as I continued to the elevator. Disappointment filled me, and I chastised myself for expecting them to be waiting for me. This was why it was better not to care. I was swinging 0-2 though, maybe even 0-3. Hell, now that I thought about it, none of my recent encounters had panned out past the initial tryst.
Slumping against the wall, I debated heading back upstairs. Was it even worth it to go to Windy City? What would it prove? Nothing.
When I hit the ground floor, I pushed the button for the 18th floor and rode the elevator back up, acknowledging that I was just as much of a loser as I thought. Entering my condo, I tossed my bag on the floor, no longer having the strength to carry it. I trudged to my bedroom as the weight of despair pressed down on me. Each step was heavier than the last, and I felt the tiny shards of the quicksand piercing my skin as I pressed on. Pulling the covers over my head, I hid from the world for the rest of the weekend.
I wasn't strong.
I was a fool for thinking otherwise.
* * *
It was Tuesday,and I forced myself to get up and go to work today. I'd been able to cancel my sessions yesterday, but I couldn't do that two days in a row. One of my colleagues would be knocking down my door if I did, and it wasn't fair to my clients to brush them off just because I was feeling weepy.
I'd barely left my bed in the past three days, only leaving to get up for the bathroom or food. I was a bit of a disgusting mess, and even I knew it. Washing my hair for the second time, I tried to get my mind to jump tracks. I'd been stuck in this roundabout thinking for the past three days, and I was only going in circles. Quite frankly, I was dizzy and over feeling this way. The buzz of the recklessness called to me and I wanted to take another sip, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.
Thinking about my recent failures was only bringing me misery, so I tried to focus on what I had done well instead, but nothing was coming to my mind. I was about to fall apart in the shower and cancel work again when the music changed, and the Beatles floated through my speaker. "Hey, Jude" crooned through the room as I stared at the white tile of my shower wall.
Jude.
Jude was something I was doing right, at least I hoped I was. He was quiet, but it seemed he was happy to see me when I showed up at his exhibit. He'd blended in with the other kids, and so he hadn't needed to speak up a lot. But there had been a few smiles I'd seen, and that was something I could count. Focusing on him and my clients, I was able to rally and dismiss the negativity running rampant like the poison it was.
Dressing, I picked out a deep purple sheath dress with a belt, black heels, and a long sweater cardigan. Pulling on my tights, I wondered why women put up with these. They were a nightmare to get on, and Heaven forbid you needed to pee at any point during the day. Sheesh, they were the worst, I thought as I jiggled myself into them, making a weird dance jump move to pull them up. Somewhere in the world, there had to be someone else making that move too, I decided.
Panting, I waited a few minutes to catch my breath before slipping on my black lace bra and slip. Drying my hair, I curled it under and finished putting together my outfit. Women had an unfair disadvantage when it came to the amount of time it took to get ready. The number of steps we had versus men was obnoxious.
My gym bag was still sitting by the door from the other day when I'd dropped it. It was Tuesday, which meant a kickboxing night. Did I want to see Mr. Surly after the last one? What had started as a hot kiss and prelude to sexy times had shifted partway through. I wasn't sure by who, but the emotions had changed from a scorching sizzling to a heavy loathing. Even in the sexy moment, my empathy had registered what was happening and I couldn't help the tear that fell.
It had been playing over and over in my mind this weekend, and I'd finally concluded it had to be that. The emotions had shifted, and I went from feeling sexy and powerful to cheap, dirty, and weak. I didn't like those feelings. It wasn't who I was or wanted to be. I wanted to explore my sexuality, but I didn't want to feel self-loathing. The hardest part was, I didn't know if it was from him or me.
At the time, I'd been angry at him for leaving me and walking away, but now, I was glad. I would've hated myself if we had fucked right there. I didn't even like him most of the time, and if he didn't want me either, exploration or not, I wasn't sure if I could go through with it. I needed at least mutual respect to get naked with someone.
It had been a valuable discovery for myself at least, and I realized I could face him. He'd done the right thing, and I was glad he had. Grabbing it off the floor, I proceeded out the door, determined to face this. Leaving my apartment was giving me the courage that I'd lacked all weekend. I guess I just needed to restart myself.
Monroe was already at the elevator, and I picked up my pace when I heard the ding. Thankfully, he held the door like the gentleman he was, and I slid in a few seconds later.
"Thanks," I greeted, a little breathless from my sprint. I positioned myself facing forward as usual, but I felt awkward and unsure how to act now.
"No problem. How was the rest of the weekend?" He sounded genuinely interested and not like he was making polite small talk.
"Uh, it was okay."
"I didn't see much of you. Levi wanted to ask you to join us for a movie, but I figured you were busy or out."