He only studies me with narrowed eyes.
“Look, we want the same thing. Mercedes safe. Mercedes happy. Right now, the first part of that is crucial. You’re going to need to work with me, or so help me, I will drag her back to my house and—”
“I should let you because that would sever any lingering emotions she confusedly feels for you.”
That makes me pause. Because what Mercedes said was not this. But haven’t I said the opposite of what I want, too? To protect her. Protect myself. Because there is something that I’ve managed to avoid for a very long time. All my life, in fact. I have never had a real relationship. I can count on one hand the dates I’ve taken women on. I go to the Cat House. I fuck. I leave. I am not blind to the pattern. And I understand why. It’s hard not to.
I am afraid.
And now I’m afraid not only of hurting her. Perhaps the true fear is entirely out of my control.
I know I’m not worthy of her affection or her love. But if she did give it to me and then took it away, what would become of me then? If what’s happening to me now is any indication, it does not bode well for me.
“I don’t understand, Judge,” Santiago finally says, drawing me out of wherever the hell I was going.
I sit.
“What don’t you understand?”
“Why won’t you do it? Marry her? You have feelings for her that’s obvious. I see it on your face even now. And she has feelings for you. So why don’t you just fucking do it and put everyone out of their misery?”
I bow my head. Can I tell him? Can I reveal this terrible secret to him?
“You know me, Judge. You know everything about me. Yet you don’t talk about your past. Never have. Or on those few occasions it comes up, it’s very superficial. Perhaps you think I haven’t noticed, but I have, all these years. I know I don’t see you, not all of you. So what is so fucking dark that you’re willing to lose everything, every goddamn thing, to hide it?”
I swallow over the lump in my throat, feeling sweat collect under my arms and along my forehead. I look at my friend, but I’m looking through him.
He snorts, shaking his head. He gets up, pours a scotch, and sets it on the desk in front of me.
“Does it have anything to do with the tattoo on your back? The one I never knew you had.”
I pick up the scotch, barely controlling the tremble of my hand. I drink a swallow.
“Or the scar it hides beneath? The knife wound.”
I swallow the contents of the glass. He doesn’t pour another. Just sits back and watches me. This is too hard. It’s not that I want to keep my secrets. It’s that it’s too hard to share them. To bare myself like that.
“You will miss out on a family. Is that what you want?”
I look at the ring on my finger. All Sovereign Sons wear them. The Montgomery insignia, law and consequence. I can almost hear Carlisle.
“You know Hildebrand is salivating to have me on The Tribunal.”
“I know.”
“He and my grandfather had been planning for it for years.” I make myself look at him. “Hildebrand thinks we’ll make a powerful team.”
Santiago watches me. He doesn’t speak, and I can’t read him. But I don’t expect him to make this easy for me. Why would he? If our roles were reversed, I’m not sure I’d even give him this chance. And perhaps a few years ago, he wouldn’t have. This is Ivy’s doing. She has softened him.
“He sees something inside me that he recognizes, Santiago. A violence…” I trail off because I don’t know what else to say.
“Is it there?”
I nod once.
“Have you unleashed it on my sister?”
“No.”
“Did you force her?”
“She was in my care. I was the one in control.”
“Did you force yourself on her against her will?”
“No. Christ. I am not that beast.”
His expression softens infinitesimally. “I know that already. I just wasn’t sure you did.”
That surprises me, and I find I’m struck mute.