I fellasleep after Dominic left me only to open my eyes later to see the sun setting through the trees. Slowly, I got to my feet. I was still clad in the white t-shirt of Dom’s I’d changed into that morning. I moved to the broken bowl still on the floor. I picked up a shard of glass and went back to the mattress where I tucked the sliver safely beneath it.
Emptiness was the only thing I felt within me. Nothing mattered. I imagined I would've felt the same way if something would've happened to Dominic, Vincent, or Levin. This situation cut just a bit deeper though, given what they’d done.
I shuffled to the adjoining bathroom and turned on the shower. Not bothering to take off the t-shirt or panties, I got in.
The hollowness morphed as I bawled softly beneath the warm spray. This was the worst. If I had just stuck it out with Hail, maybe Fallon would still be alive. Maybe he and I would've been able to run away together. Maybe Fallon would've delivered me to Matteo, and I’d have been rescued by him once he got the chance to free his sister. Maybe everything would've been different if I had just stayed away from the kings. Maybe I would be different.
I didn’t want people to die because they got tangled up with me. Fallon may have made arrangements to have me delivered to hell, but he'd admitted it in the end and sworn he was going to save me. The kings had done none of those things, opting to simply put me on my knees and make me believe I was going to die. Why didn’t they just kill me? It was a question lurking in the back of my head, but because I knew they were prone to being assholes, I could only assume it was to torture me some more.
I should've run when I had the chance.
But I didn’t. I’d gotten weak and gone to the kings. Now, I had the same thing I’d been trying to run from—a cage, a marriage I didn't choose. Maybe I wasn’t getting burned with a cigarette, but I was definitely on fire inside.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in the shower, but eventually the water ran cold as I closed my eyes, dreaming of a solution.
The answer probably rested in the shard of glass beneath my mattress if I could get the courage to use it. I wanted to go out on my own terms. Not on my fucking knees before men who’d claimed they loved me. Why should I suffer more? But living while knowing Fallon was gone was a pain I wasn't sure I could bear. Knowing I’d never get the chance to hear him really explain things to me. Knowing my death could happen at any moment was suffering.
I hated these emotions. They were choking me.
Warm arms encircled me, and I shivered as I was eased out from the cold.
“You’re freezing,” Levin murmured, wrapping me in a warm, heavy towel.
I hadn’t even heard him come into the room.
“Come on, bumblebee. Open your eyes and tell me how much you hate me.”
I cracked my lids open to find apprehension on his face. We hadn't spoken since shit went down. He pushed the wet strands of blonde hair away from my face. My heart broke all over again as I stared at him. He'd been planning to kill me. He'd pressed a gun to my head. He’d killed Fallon.
“Let’s get you warmed up.”
The strength left me as I shut down. I had no fight left. It didn’t matter. Not much did now. My fate was signed, sealed, and waiting for delivery.
Levin sat me on the bathroom counter, concern on his face. “I’ll be right back, OK?”
I said nothing. He left quickly only to return moments later with another t-shirt and pair of sweatpants. Wordlessly, he peeled the wet shirt from me, doing all the work of moving my arms for me like I was a broken doll.
His eyes swept over my naked torso for a second before he quickly toweled me off and slid the fresh shirt over my head. Once that was done, he worked on removing my panties and hauling the too-big sweatpants up my legs to my hips.
He remained quiet as he lifted me and brought me back to the bedroom where he placed me on the bed.
“Be right back,” he said, moving back to the bathroom. He returned a moment later with a brush. He crawled behind me on the mattress and brushed through my long tangles before weaving my hair into a thick braid down my back and tying it off with a rubber band.
He lay down and eased me down onto the mattress next to him, his arms wrapping around me. “I’m worried about you, bumblebee. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up, and I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. I want you to know it gutted me to do it.”
I remained silent as he paused.
“I couldn’t pull the trigger,” he whispered. “I thought I’d be able to when it was time, but I just couldn’t do it. A world without you in it would be fucking worthless. I would've followed you to the grave. I know I would have. And I know you hate me right now. Hell, I know you hate us all, but please, don’t do this. Don’t shut down.” He placed a kiss on the top of my head and hugged me to him tightly.
I closed my eyes as a tear trickled out.
“I’m sorry about Fallon. I am. I know you fucking despise me. Fuck, it’s killing me so much to know it. I feel like my heart’s being torn from my chest and stomped on. You’re still here, but I feel like I’m losing you. I-I don’t want to lose you. I only just found you.”
He grew quiet after that, holding me against his body in Dom’s bed, before his breathing turned deep and even.
Deciding sleep was for the best, I closed my eyes again, wanting the nightmare to end.