Trek
I drink a beer as I watch the kids play out in the yard. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I used to love hanging out and running wild. It kept me busy and out of my mom’s hair. She still lives in my childhood house and still has the same neighbors from all those years ago.
“You good?”
“Yeah, I’m good. How’s shit with you two?” I ask Rage, nodding toward Badger, where he plays with their daughter.
“We’re good. What’s this about?”
“Just askin’, brother. Just askin’.”
“For a reason. What the fuck is it?”
“I don’t know. Just been thinkin’ about shit lately.”
“What shit?” he asks, getting annoyed I don’t just spit it out. I can’t. I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling these days.
“Don’t know. Just fuckin’ thinkin’ is all.”
“You’re bein’ pretty fuckin’ vague.”
“I just don’t know what to say. I’m off lately.”
“Yeah, you are. Not gettin’ enough kills?”
“All this traffickin’ shit is wearin’ on me. Mom lives alone now that my sisters are gone, but that doesn’t stop her from keepin’ tabs on them. I don’t like her livin’ alone with all this shit in our city,” I tell him.
“Heard that. I wouldn’t like that either. You got security set up for her?”
“Fuck yeah. I got mom a gun too. She just doesn’t like to use it.”
“Why not?”
“Mom isn’t a fan of guns. She hates havin’ it in the house,” I say.
“I get that. Not much you can do on that front. She isn’t gonna magically change her ways,” he replies. I nod because I know it’s the truth. She’s set in her ways, and there is no way to change them.
“I know. I just don’t like it is all. I wish my sisters were home at least where she could keep an eye on them,” I admit.
“Where are they?”
“Off doin’ college shit. Polly is goin’ for her law degree,” I tell him.
“No shit?She can be our new lawyer,” he adds.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t drag her into this shit.”
“I know, brother. I’m just fuckin’ around with you.”
“You miss her?” I ask him. I know he does. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at his little girl. She looks a lot like Rage, but I see her momma in there too.
“More than you could know. I never thought I’d have to let Bex go so quickly. Never thought I’d lose her when things were good,” he says, watching Badger and their daughter.
“I can see it in your eyes. You won’t ever be right, will you?” Rage shakes his head.
“No. I won’t, but I have to do the best I can for her.”
“That’s what I’m missin’. Somethin’ like that. Somethin’ like what you and Bex had.”
“You’ll find it, and when you do, it’ll fuck you over good. Just take it as it comes, brother. Once it’s gone, you’ll never be the same.” I watch him stand and walk over to his daughter, lifting her in his arms. For a man who kills without regret, I see the love he has for her. We all do.
It makes me wonder if something like that is out there for me. Is there someone who will love me the way he loved Bex? Is there someone out there that can accept me for who I am? There are so many unanswered questions in my mind.
“You okay?” Drake asks, passing me another beer.
“I’m good. What’s up?”
“Heard there was a house not far from here that we’re plannin’ on raidin’ soon.”
“You’re shittin’ me? We got a fuckin’ hit?” Drake nods as he looks over at me.
“We got a hit. Nothin’ major and there probably aren’t very many girls there, but we get to go in and save the motherfuckin’ day.” I fist-bump him before he sits down next to me.
“You ready for the girls, though? Demon plans on bringin’ them back here for a while. Not sure how long he plans to keep them.”
“What do you mean? Why’s he bringin’ them back here?”
“Fuck if I know. To allow the girls to calm down and ease back into life. You know how Demon is,” he replies as I nod. Demon is different from the rest of us in the way he thinks. The rest of us would have probably turned them loose and let them go. Not Demon, though. He’s better than us.
“Who is in on this one?”
“Me, you, Rage, Cross. Fuck, I don’t know.” He lights up a cigarette and blows smoke into the sky as I watch him.
“You ready for it? I know the blood gets to you,” I tell him.
“They’re girls. They were hunted and fuckin’ snatched. You’re goddamn right I’m ready for that shit. My life’s mission is to take out all the motherfuckers I can before I die.”
“Heard that, brother. I know that shit hits close to home for you.”
“Yeah. Sure as shit does. You know I can still remember the little girl she was,” Drake’s voice changes as he talks about his childhood friend who was killed.
“I’m sure that’s not somethin’ you forget easily.”
“No. It sticks in your mind. You know when you kill, and you see the look in their eyes? How that shit lingers in your mind? That’s how it is. I feel like I can see her lyin’ there all over again.”
“Fuck, man. I don’t know what to say,” I tell him. Drake shrugs.
“It is what it is.”
“And it’s fucked up.”
“Which is why we’re goin’ in. Handle those motherfuckers who are runnin’ that house. I can’t wait to get my hands dirty,” Drake rubs his hands together.
“I know that feelin’. I’m ready too.”
“Itchin’ to get those hands bloody?”
“More than they already were? Hell yeah.” I pull a joint from behind my ear and light it up as I watch Rage and Badger. They seem happy enough. We don’t fucking judge them for what they do. We accept it because they’re our fucking brothers.