“You scared me, that’s all,” I say. My voice cracks, giving me away.
He presses his front to my back and leans forward to nip my ear, before pressing a kiss below it. “I think it was more than that.” He drags his tongue down to my neck and sucks on the delicate skin. I force myself to not moan out loud. It feels so good and I’ve missed his touch. I miss the way he makes me feel beautiful, sexy, and adored. Not to mention, fucking me like he owns me. Damn, I miss it all.
My head drops back on his shoulder, allowing myself this moment. It feels so good having his mouth on me, making me remember the things that mouth is capable of. His hands grip my hips as he thrusts forward, rewarding me with his hard cock hitting my ass. This time I can’t suppress the moan, it slips right out.
“Fuck, babe,” he growls.
My eyes are still closed, and he again digs his fingers into my hips as his rigid dick pres
ses against me. It’s all consuming. He wraps his arm around and grabs my chin. When I turn, he crashes his lips to mine. It’s rough and full of want. He’s fucking my mouth with his tongue and I sigh with pleasure. He lets out a groan that makes my panties wet, as he continues ravishing my mouth. I’m lost in the moment, lost in his taste. It’s heaven. His hand snakes around to my stomach and before I can react, he trails it up to my bra. I panic, the bubble bursts. I pull away and push past him, wrapping my arms around myself. It’s suddenly hell.
“Babe, I’m sorry,” he says, moving to stand in front of me. I refuse to make eye contact, so he grabs my chin and forces me to. “I thought you were ready.”
“Yeah well, I guess not!” I yell.
He backs up and scrubs his face. “Harper, maybe it’s time to talk to the doctor.”
It feels like a punch to my stomach. I’m no longer feeling ashamed of pulling away from the man I love. Oh no, I’m pissed. I straighten my back and lift my chin, stepping closer to him. “What exactly do you want the doctor to do, Zane?”
I don’t scare him. He takes a step closer, his chest now pressing against my folded arms. The muscle in his neck is throbbing as his eyes go dark with anger. “I want him to talk to you about the problem you’re having. I want him to tell you that you don’t need to be ashamed. I want him to tell you that it’s normal to feel anxious.” He gets right in my face, his breath fanning across my face as he searches my eyes. “I want him to tell you that having sex with your boyfriend isn’t going to fucking kill you,” he shouts.
He doesn’t wait for me to say anything. He stalks out, slamming the door behind him. “Fuck,” I yell. I spin around and swipe my arm across the dresser, knocking everything onto the floor. It’s not enough, so I pick up my boots and throw them at the door, screaming. I go into the closet and grab a black shirt, slipping it over my head. Zane’s shirt falls to the floor as I put mine on.
“Fuck, what’s going on?” Ivy asks, closing the door quietly behind her. “Zane is out back punching the side of the house.”
I close my eyes, shaking my head. “I’m not ready,” I whisper. “Not sure I ever will be.”
“He’s pissed cause you aren’t ready to go? Fuck that, I’ll go say something,” she says.
I grab her arm, stopping her from leaving. “No.” I shake my head. “I’m not ready for sex.”
Her eyes widen and she moves to lean against the dresser. She braces herself, her arms behind her holding onto the edge of the dresser. “You guys still haven’t had sex? Since you got shot?”
“Nope.” I sag down onto the bed and drop my face into my hands.
“Why?” she asks.
I lift my eyes to her and give a humorless laugh. “Seriously? Why? Because I’m scarred, literally and figuratively.”
She raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “And you blame him?”
“No,” I rush out. I sigh and focus on the small piece of lint on the floor. This tiny white ball of nothing, probably wants to jump up and lodge itself in my throat, choking me for my bullshit excuses. “I did blame him when it first happened. I felt like I was suffering, and he was still whole. But I worked past that. I don’t blame him for what happened. I went there, I confronted my father, and I knew what I was doing when I took the bullet. It’s not that.”
She moves to sit next to me and rests her hand on my knee. “So, what is it? Do you have no sex drive now?”
I laugh, a real laugh this time. “No, I definitely do.”
“So?” She pushes.
“It’s ugly. It makes me look damaged. That’s not who I want to be with him,” I whisper.
Her hand tightens on my knee. “So, your brilliant idea is, instead of talking to him about how you feel is to reject him?”
“He knows.”
“Does he? Cause the guy I saw just now, beating his own house, didn’t seem to be in the loop. He deserves more than that, Harper. I’ve never in my life seen someone love another person the way he loves you. The way he was when you were in surgery and after waiting for you to wake up. I’ve never witnessed someone worry that way. The pain and anguish, damn it was hard to watch.” I look at her and she smiles. “The way he took care of you when you came home. Bossing everyone around, including me,” she laughs lightly at the memories. “All to make sure that you had everything you needed or wanted. He wasn’t sleeping, making sure you were. He wasn’t eating, wasn’t leaving the house, wasn’t smiling. But he never showed you any of that. He made sure when he walked in this room, he had a smile and sweet words. He gave every part of himself to you, probably even before all that, but if he had anything left, he doesn’t now. He might just need to feel that you care for him in some sort of way still. I love you, Harper, but you haven’t exactly been a pleasure to be around. You need to fix this before it all falls apart, and that scar will hold an entirely different meaning.” She gets up and blows me a kiss, walking out.
My tears are unstoppable. Everything that she just said, destroyed me. Zane deserves so much better than what I’ve given. I need to make this right.