He’s breathing heavily and his eyes are hard, not the Zane I’m used to seeing. “And if you would’ve let my club handle it like we planned, none of this would’ve happened. You should never have gotten involved, put yourself in a position that clearly you weren’t capable of handling. You’re not a fucking member, you’re a fucking old lady. I don’t give a shit what you could do with the Vegas Kings, with the Shattered Souls, your place is staying the fuck out of club business. Trying to be the savior only made shit worse.”
The pain I feel right now has nothing to do with my gunshot. It has everything to do with the vile words he’s throwing at me. We both blame each other. How do we get past something like this? Is it possible to forgive? The thought of actually losing him fills me with an agony I’ve never felt. I did what I thought was best and maybe he’s right, maybe I did make shit worse, but so did he.
“I think maybe it’s best if I go to my place and Ivy stays with me there. I can’t deal with this shit right now,” I whisper, turning away from his hard stare.
“Fuck no,” he growls. “You aren’t running away when shit gets hard.”
I lightly laugh and keep my gaze out the window. “I’m not running away. I’m self-preserving. I’ve been told my entire life what I can and can’t do. You just made it very clear that’s still what is expected of me. I won’t do it again. I won’t allow you or my father to dictate what is allowed. You want to blame me for trying to save your life, that’s on you. I don’t know how to fix that. I did what I thought would give us a chance at a real life together. But, I’m not sure I can have a life with someone who wants me to quietly sit in the corner and be someone I’m not. I love you Zane, more than I ever thought possible, but I need to learn to love myself, too. I can’t do that under the rule of someone.”
I feel the bed dip and his fingers grab my chin, turning my head to look at him. His eyes are softer now and they pull me right in. I close my eyes to hold back the tears, but when I open them, the tears flow. He gently kisses my cheeks and thumbs away my tears. “No more lies, right?” I nod my head, but I’m incapable of forming words. “I don’t know how to handle any of this, babe. You got shot, a bullet meant for me. You nearly died in my arms. That fear of losing you, it’s got me fucked up. I’m scared to let you out of my sight because what if I turn around and you’re gone? I’m pissed because the only thing I wanted to do was protect you and I failed miserably. I’m full of regret, knowing I could’ve killed him, but I didn’t. I can’t breathe thinking of losing you, and until he’s dead, that’s a real concern. I would never control you, never expect you to sit quietly in a corner. I’m trying to deal with it all, but right now the only thing I have any control over is taking care of you. Making sure you know how much I love you. I’m sorry I said any of that, I didn’t mean a word of it. You are part of this club; you are a Shattered Soul. You’ll learn to love yourself, because once you see what I see, it will change your fucking world.”
The tears are endless, and I forget about my physical pain as I lean up to press my lips to his. His hands grab onto my hair and for the first time since this all happened, he finally gives me a real kiss. When his tongue touches mine, I let out a soft moan and grab tightly onto his neck. He growls against my mouth and deepens the kiss. It’s everything I’ve been craving, reminding me how good we can be.
He finally breaks the kiss and I let out a groan of disappointment. He chuckles and rests his head against mine. I reach my hand up, touching his face. “No more lies, right?”
I pull back and he straightens himself. “Right.”
“I’m scared, Zane. I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared of my father. I’m scared of what comes next. I’ve got all these scars inside me, that have multiplied over the years. The good thing was, they were scars only I knew I had. No one saw them, no one knew they were there. Now, I’ve got scars on the outside. Scars that even when I don’t want to think about it, will remind me what happened. Not just being shot, but everything that happened to lead to that moment. All the internal scars are now bleeding through the ones outside. I can’t look at them. The ugly reminder.”
He rests his hand on my knee and squeezes. “They are a reminder of our love.”
I hope to one day see it that way, but right now I don’t. So, I ignore him and continue. “There’s so much to figure out, so much still ahead of us. You want me to stay here, but I have nothing here. I have a house I’m paying for, which has all my belongings.”
“Sell it, move in with me,” he interrupts.
I smile and rest my hand on his. “Just like that, huh?”
“You belong here, Harper. When I bought this house all those years ago, I couldn’t wait to show you. I wanted you to love it enough that you’d one day
want to be here too. It’s not, just like that, it’s what we both deserve,” he says.
“What about when I’m completely healed? I don’t have money coming in anymore. The club I put everything of myself into is now completely his. I have nothing left,” I whisper.
“We’ll figure that all out. We don’t need to have answers to everything all at once. Until then, I’ve got money put away. We’ll live off that for now.”
I swallow and try to push down the hope I start to feel. “I don’t want to blame you for this, because I’m the one that stepped in front of the bullet. It’s selfish that I do and I’m trying to get past all that. I’m sorry,” I admit.
“I’ll take your blame and I’ll take your hate. It’s not going to drive me away. You want me to prove myself to you, I’ll do that. I’ll show you that taking that bullet wasn’t the best decision, but it wasn’t without meaning. You proved you’d lay down your life for me and maybe that’s what I need to prove to you,” he says, moving closer to me, sinking his fingers into my hair. “Is that what you need? Tell me, babe.”
“I know you’ll lay down your life for me, you don’t need to prove it. You need to prove that I belong in your life,” I whisper.
He kisses me quickly and smiles. “Whatever you want.”
In this moment, with his hands in my hair, the possessive move I love so much, I believe him. This war will end, the dust will settle, and just maybe we’ll survive it all.
7
Zane
Harper has fallen asleep and I’ve been watching her for about a half hour. She deserves more than what she’s had, and I need to make sure that happens. I shouldn’t have gone off on her the way I did, but she pissed me off. I blame myself enough, I don’t need to hear her tell me the same thing. She’s scared, which is to be expected. I’ll make sure to do everything I can to make her see she belongs in my life, my club. I kiss her softly and leave the room, closing the door quietly behind me.
Kace and Ivy are sitting in the kitchen and he lifts his eyebrow when I walk in. “Everything alright?”
“It will be. I need help though.” I look at Ivy. “From both of you.”
“What’s up?” Kaces questions.
“We need to bring all of Harper’s things here. Her clothes, pictures, whatever the hell we can find. Ivy, I’m gonna need you to help us decide what would help her feel like this is her place, too,” I grab the joint off the table and light it. “What do you say?”