‘Of course.’
There! A glimmer of his trademark arrogance shines through. I slant him a sidelong glance, but the cynicism I’m going for is ruined by the sheen of tears in my eyes. After four months of heartbreak, I don’t know if I can believe him so easily.
‘Why haven’t you called?’
‘And say what? I thought you were getting married to him? Worse, I thought you’d brought the wedding plans forward? And what could I say? That I realised too late I’m completely in love with you? You deserve better than that. All I could hope was that you were happy, even if that was without me.’
‘You’re telling me this now?’ I point out, my pulse ravaging my system.
‘You’re not engaged any more.’
I mull on that.
‘I didn’t deserve you then, Freja. I don’t deserve you now. But at least by giving you this...’ he gestures to the windows and the view of what will become his construction site ‘...I’m honouring you in a way that will bring you joy—the kind of joy, I hope, that those few days in Spain gave me.’ He lifts his hands to cup my cheeks, staring into my eyes. ‘Those days were the best of my life.’
It’s too much. I lift a hand to his chest, curling my hands in his shirt for a second, tempted to drag him close—except instead I push him away. He’s surprised and moves backward without much effort.
‘Damn you, Santiago. Why didn’t you realise this four months ago?’
He nods unevenly. ‘I know. It’s too late.’
‘It’s not that.’ Again, I lift my hand to his chest, not pushing him away now. ‘It’s just—do you have any idea what I’ve been through? To love someone like I love you and think they don’t feel the same way?’
‘You were so brave,’ he says quietly. ‘To admit how you felt, even with all the obstacles we faced. You do realise nothing’s changed, Freja? I’m still someone your people will be scandalised by.’ He leans forward, his eyes probing mine. ‘I want to be in your life, but we have to work out how to do that to avoid a scandal. I believe this apartment gives us an opportunity to see one another without anyone ever finding out.’
‘No.’
His face tightens. He’s afraid I’m rejecting him. And for a second I’m in awe of the power I apparently wield over this man. But I can’t let him feel pain for a moment longer. ‘That’s not good enough. I don’t want you to be some illicit secret. I’m not ashamed of you. I truly believe you are the best man in the world, and if anyone has a problem with our relationship then it’s exactly that: their problem.’
His eyes widen, but he shakes his head. ‘I can’t let you do that. I know what your role means to you.’
All my pleasure evaporates as I realise the glaring flaw in our plan. He loves me, but he’s not offering me the things I need. For a moment I’d forgotten, but I can’t just have a secret boyfriend in an apartment near the city. ‘For how long?’ I ask quietly.
‘What do you mean?’
‘How long will you stay? For as long as the construction is going on?’
His brow furrows.
‘Because I do need to get married one day, and have children. I know how you feel about those things, but I can’t ignore all my obligations...’
‘You misunderstand me—but that’s my fault, not yours.’ Before I realise what he’s doing, Santiago del Almodovár bends down on one knee, his hand on my hip. ‘The greatest privilege in my life would be marrying you and raising our children with you. I know it’s an uphill journey, that my reputation will take some work to overcome, but there is nothing I have ever wanted more. And when I want something, querida, I move mountains to get it.’
I laugh, a laughter born of sheer, overpowering happiness. ‘I know that.’
‘Wait.’
He stands quickly and walks into the kitchen, opening a drawer before returning and kneeling down once more. He holds up a small velvet box.
Despite what he’s just said, this feels so much more real now. I find it hard to breathe. He lifts the lid and the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen stares back at me. An enormous bright white diamond stands in the centre, surrounded by a circlet of black diamonds. ‘It reminded me of you,’ he says after a moment. ‘It made me think about goodness overpowering darkness. It’s how I’ve felt every day since knowing you.’
I kneel down then, ignoring the ring, despite its beauty. ‘I need you to know something,’ I say quietly.
‘Go on.’ I hear his fear, and a small sob tears through me despite my happiness.
‘Please don’t look like that. I will never stop loving you. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say, that will change how I feel. I love you for who you are in here.’ I press a hand to his heart. ‘Because you are good and kind and thoughtful and, when I’m with you, I feel as though there’s nothing in the w
orld I can’t do.’ I soften my voice. ‘But I will always regret implying that your reputation is something to be ashamed of. Everything you’ve done in life, all your choices, have made you who you are, and I am lucky beyond words that you love me as I do you. Do you understand?’