‘Never.’ Awkwardness made her want to run from this but something ancient and almost magical stirred between them, pulling a semblance of truth from her. ‘I don’t have enough experience with men to have been hurt by them.’ Her smile was a little haunted by the direction of her thoughts.
She felt him grow still, his eyes roaming her face, but he didn’t say anything. Silence stretched between them, speculative and analytical. ‘Let me guess: you’re a romantic.’ He said the words like an accusation, as though being romantically inclined was the worst thing in the world.
‘I’m careful where I invest my energy,’ she corrected. ‘I can’t be bothered to spend time with men who don’t interest me. I don’t like pretence. And I don’t particularly like the risks that come from indiscriminate sex.’
‘Risks?’ The word was said with rich disbelief.
‘Risks.’ She nodded. ‘Like getting pregnant and being left to raise a child completely on one’s own. Like Cynthia,’ she added, though it wasn’t necessary. It was obvious from his features that her words had hit their mark. ‘Is that what you meant by saying you’ve never broken anyone’s heart? Because I think Cameron is an exception to that.’
Amelia wished she hadn’t said the words as soon as they’d left her mouth. They were totally harsh and unreasonable, words that had come from a place of fear and uncertainty, words her brain had issued to put her body on notice. She closed her eyes, pain lancing her, regret making her face crumple.
‘I didn’t know about Cameron,’ he said, but the words showed his own pain, his own hurt, and that made everything worse. ‘If I had...’
‘You didn’t stay in touch with her?’ Amelia prompted more gently, but nothing could remove the sting from the question.
‘No. It wasn’t like that.’ When he swallowed, his Adam’s apple moved and her eyes were drawn to that motion. ‘We spent a few nights together. We used protection. Neither of us wanted...ramifications. We discussed it enough to know that.’
‘It’s none of my business,’ Amelia said stiffly, wishing she hadn’t opened this can of worms. She forced her legs to obey her mental commands now, taking a small step backward, just as she had in his office. ‘I only meant...’ The words tapered off into nothing, but he nodded brusquely.
‘I understood your meaning.’ He spoke as though they were in the midst of negotiating a business deal. ‘You think I go around screwing whoever I want and that secret love children are a likely result of my irresponsible life choices? You think there are a dozen Cynthias out there, a dozen Camerons, and that I’m wilfully ignoring my parental responsibilities in pursuit of the next night of hot sex?’ He moved his face a little closer to hers so she saw the specks of silver in his ocean-grey eyes. ‘You think I wouldn’t have given everything I owned ten times over to know I had fathered a son? You think there’s any version of reality in which I wouldn’t have chosen to be a part of Cameron’s life?’
Hot tears stung Amelia’s eyes. ‘I didn’t mean...’
He lifted a finger to her lips, silencing her. ‘Yes, you did. You’re wrong about me, but it’s what you think. Have the courage of your convictions, Amelia.’
‘I don’t... I just...’ She was babbling. She shook her head and now she did what she’d wanted to do earlier, lifting a hand to his chest, pressing her fingers there urgently.
‘You think if we’d had sex you might have ended up pregnant and that I would have abandoned you? You think that’s what happened to Cynthia? I am shocked that she didn’t even try to tell me I was a father. At no point—that I know of—did she so much as pick up her phone to tell me about our son. Not when she learned of her pregnancy, not when she had the boy, never. He’d never even heard of me.’
‘Perhaps she thought you were already onto your next conquest?’
‘And so what if I was?’ The words were said softly but there was a de
athly darkness to them. ‘We weren’t romantically involved. We had sex. If I was with someone else after her, that does nothing to alter the fact that I’d fathered a child. I would have supported her, supported him.’ The words swirled around them, laced with regret. ‘And if she hadn’t died, Amelia? Do you think I would ever have learned the truth about him?’
Amelia’s heart splintered at that question, because he was right—while Cynthia had done the responsible thing and put Santos’s name in her will, it was clear that she’d had no intention of involving Cameron’s father in their lives for as long as she lived.
‘I have no idea how she conceived Cameron. It never occurred to me that she might have. I was younger, stupid in some ways, arrogant—but even then I always took measures to prevent unplanned consequences. She knew who I was and how to contact me. She should have told me about him.’
‘Yes,’ Amelia whispered. On that, they were in total agreement.
‘I don’t take risks. I don’t get women pregnant and go into hiding.’ He drew himself to his full height, stepping back from her, and his eyes glittered with such a cold ruthlessness that she shivered. ‘And I would never have taken that risk with you.’
She swept her eyes shut because his words were completely unnecessary. She felt the truth in his soul. For a scientist, it was the least scientific thought she’d ever had. Then again, her education hadn’t been limited to physics. She’d studied the Classics too, ancient Greek philosophers, Shakespeare and Jonson; she’d studied words that had helped her make sense of feelings and right now that education was pushing to the fore.
Desire was sweeping through her, refusing to be silenced. She’d fought it from the moment she’d met him, but now she wondered why she was bothering. She hadn’t chosen to keep hold of her virginity. It wasn’t as if she attached any special significance to it. She’d just never met a man who inspired her interest—until now. So what was she hesitating for? It wasn’t as though Santos was offering any kind of complicated affair. He’d made it abundantly clear he wasn’t into relationships. This was almost too good to be true—a chance to sleep with someone sophisticated and experienced who wouldn’t want anything more from her. It was just the kind of no-strings arrangement that would rid her of her virginity, and introduce her to the world of sex without the necessity of emotional expectations.
‘I was surprised by how much I wanted you,’ she said simply, lifting a finger and tracing his lip in wonderment, the touch so simple but also so utterly sensual. ‘The truth is, another minute and I’d have been begging you to kiss me to...make love...to me.’ She stumbled a little over the words she’d never spoken before in reference to herself. ‘Regardless of who was in the next room and in spite of the fact we’d just met. That’s why I left so abruptly—because, honestly, that scared me.’
He inclined his head a little, his eyes beaming through her. ‘And now?’ The words were gravelled and heavily accented. Her heart rabbited inside her chest.
‘And now,’ she repeated, lost in thought. His eyes hooked to hers and he lifted his hands slowly, pushing the dress higher so he could slide his hands into the waistband of her underwear. She fluttered her eyes shut, breathing in deeply.
‘Are you scared now?’
‘Terrified,’ she admitted with a tremor.
‘Of me?’ His thumb padded over the flesh of her lower back. She looked up at him then, meeting his gaze.