But not now.
Now she’d felt everything he had to give and it had brought her to the edge of who she was, forced her to see him as he was, and she loved him—all of him. His rejection had cut her deeply but, as with everything, Dimitrios had done it so well. No screaming, no shouting, no accusations. It was nothing like her parents’ arguments, nothing like the kind of marriage she’d spent a lifetime fearing she’d find herself living in.
Dimitrios was too honourable for that. Too kind. He didn’t love her but he cared—not for her, necessarily, but for people in general. He was trying to do the right thing for everyone.
Annie couldn’t be the one who ruined this. Max deserved her to try, to put aside her own feelings again, to bottle them up and hold them deep inside herself, just as she had in the past. If she could do that again, then Max could have both his mum and his dad. But with Dimitrios here, a living, breathing person within easy reach, could she be sure she wouldn’t weaken and stumble? What if she decided that something was better than nothing and gave into the temptation that was weighing down on her?
Perhaps she should have kept the ring after all—as a reminder of how she’d felt the morning after, a reminder to keep her distance.
Annie brushed her fingertips over the pine needles of the tree, releasing a hit of that festive fragrance into the room. She lifted her fingers, inhaling, a stupid tear wetting the corner of her eye.
The Christmas Eve before, she’d been worried about everything, but her heart hadn’t been heavy like this.
‘Mummy?’
Mummy. How much longer would he call her that? Surely not long.
She took a second to surreptitiously wipe away her tear then turned, forcing a bright smile to her face. Max stood beside Dimitrios and, in keeping with their current arrangement, she forced herself to give him the briefest nod of acknowledgement before turning all of her attention back to Max.
‘I was just wondering where you’d been,’ she lied, crossing the room but stopping at least a metre short of the two of them. It was impossible not to notice how well-matched they were. They belonged together. Whatever it cost her personally, staying was the right thing to do. It would be so much harder than leaving. In leaving she would have had the space to heal, but here the cause of her pain was a constant presence. But that didn’t matter. Max’s smile pushed
any sense of grief from her mind for a moment.
‘We’ve been shopping.’
‘Have you?’
‘Uh-huh. Look.’ Max pulled something from behind his back—a small box wrapped neatly in red. ‘A present for you.’
Annie’s heart turned over in her chest. ‘You got something for me?’
‘It was Daddy’s idea. And Uncle Zach’s.’ Her heart twisted at the ease with which those two figures had become a part of Max’s life—a daddy, an uncle. ‘Besides, you always get me something.’
Now Annie couldn’t continue to ignore Dimitrios without appearing rude, and she was determined that Max wouldn’t pick up on any tension between them. Her own childhood had shown her what that felt like—she wouldn’t have Maxi growing up in a war zone.
‘That was very thoughtful of you.’
His eyes seemed to lock on to hers, trying to draw something from deep within her. He was silently asking a question, but she had no idea what answer to give him.
‘I hope you like it,’ Max said, pushing the present towards Annie.
‘I’m sure I will.’ She held it in her hands, feeling the weight of it, letting that tether her to the present. She would open it in the morning; she wasn’t sure she could face it now.
‘Daddy has some ideas for what we should do today.’
Annie’s heart sunk to her toes. ‘Does he?’
‘He says we should make a pudding. He doesn’t have a traditional recipe, and I told him we don’t either, but apparently lots of people do, and we agreed that making a pudding should be our new tradition. What do you think, Mummy?’
Annie was lost. On the one hand, it was such a beautiful idea, a gift for their son to cherish, but on the other it was asking way, way too much of her. She stared at Dimitrios for a moment, all her hopes in tatters at her feet. But this was the life she’d chosen. Hadn’t she just been thinking how Max was worth this sacrifice?
‘Great, Max.’ Her voice was over-bright. ‘I just have to send a quick email and then I’ll be right with you.’
Annie didn’t need to send an email, but she definitely needed a moment to rally her courage before she could come and join the fun family activity Dimitrios and Max had planned.
‘Mummy works a lot,’ she heard Max explain as she left the room.
‘Does she?’ Dimitrios guided Max past the tree towards the kitchen, but his mind was on Annabelle with every step he took. Her face. Her eyes. The sadness he saw there. The same guilt that had been dogging him for years was exploding inside him now.