He paused, searching for the right words. ‘An incredible mother, and a beautiful person. I respect you so much. And there’s no one on earth I would rather be married to, raising a child with. But this marriage isn’t about love. For both our sakes, we need to be clear about that.’
She nodded jerkily, hating how close he was, hating that his answer was the opposite of what she wanted. Hating and loving him so damned much in that moment.
‘You have been very clear,’ she answered slowly. ‘But now it’s my turn.’
He was still, waiting. She reached for her glass, comforted by the feeling of the stem in her fingertips.
‘I thought I could do this. Our marriage makes sense and, after what you’ve missed with Max, I wanted you to have proper time with him.’ She drank to clear her throat.
‘I’m glad.’
‘I married you because I knew that if I said no you might have taken him away from me and I couldn’t have handled that. I still couldn’t.’
Tears filled her eyes; she blinked quickly.
‘But the problem is, you’ve made everything too perfect.’ She looked up at him, seeing him through the fog of her tears.
‘And “too perfect” is bad?’
He wiped away one of her tears, but she flinched—the touch was too much. She couldn’t bear his kindness; not if she was going to get through this.
‘It can be.’
He made a noise of frustration. ‘Why can’t this work? Everything has been so great. We have fun together. We’re attracted to each other. Why does that have to be a bad thing?’
His ability to see it so simply was the nail in the coffin for all her hopes, but still she needed to go through with this.
‘You weren’t the only one who made Lewis a promise before he died. I did too. I swore to him that I’d live my life for him and for me. He told me I deserved the fairy tale, the happily-ever-after.’ A sob made the words thick. ‘And this is so close, Dimitrios. You are everything I could ever want, for me and for Max, but if you don’t love me too then I can’t... I can’t just pretend...’
‘Shh,’ he murmured, pulling her to stand against his chest, his lips pressing to the top of her hair. ‘Please, don’t cry.’
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it all just hit me today. I think waiting to sleep together was a good idea, but it was also a bad idea, because last night when we made love I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that for me it really was making love. I knew as we came together how much I love you. What we did means that much to me.’ She reached for her hand and dislodged the yellow ring, placing it on the table. ‘And for you, it meant something too. It meant having sex. With your wife, a woman you “respect”, but that’s all, isn’t it?’
A muscle jerked at the bottom of his jaw. He didn’t say anything, but then he didn’t need to.
‘This is... Everything is so beautiful.’ She looked around, gesturing with her hand in a sweeping motion. ‘You’ve made me feel like a princess in a fairy tale. It’s not your fault that I forgot it was all just pretend. You’ve reminded me. You did everything you could to make me remember.’
He dipped his head in silent acknowledgement of that.
‘But we’re both trapped in this stunning, gilded cage. You would never have chosen this—me—would you? If it weren’t for Max?’
His face was a forbidding mask.
‘You don’t have to answer,’ she assured him, because his silence was answer enough. ‘I know how you feel. You’re doing everything you can for him, and for me, even though it means you’re stuck living a life you would never have opted for.’ She shook her head. ‘And I’m sorry for that. I wish I could give you what you want—the kind of marriage that would make any of this worthwhile.’
‘You think that’s why I wanted to sleep with
you?’ he asked, disbelief etched in his tone. ‘God, Annabelle, that wasn’t me making the best of our marriage. It was the same insatiable need that drove me to you all those years ago. Everything else about this marriage might be a pretence but that isn’t.’
She flinched, even though he was only confirming what she’d just said.
‘I get it, but I’ve realised something today. I can’t do half-measures. I can’t make love with you when there’s no love between us.’
He dropped his head forward, staring at the ground. ‘Love isn’t—and never has been—something I sought.’
Her smile was bittersweet. ‘In my experience, you don’t seek love, it seeks you.’
‘Not me.’