He nodded slowly, the thoughts that had been with him for days needed to communicate themselves to her urgently.
“I have told you that my mother died when I was very young,” he said softly, his feet planted to the floor, his arms crossed, his body unmoving.
She nodded, sympathy scoring her soul.
“It changed who I was. Who we both were. My brother Zami took it harder than I. At least, he appeared to. He was younger and free to mourn her passing. I was expected to show a brave face at all times.”
Her heart squeezed. “How old were you?”
“Six,” he murmured, thinking back to the last time he’d seen her. He closed his eyes for a moment and there she was. Caitlyn Fayez, beautiful Elmira, adored mother.
“Oh, Ra’if.” Melinda couldn’t keep her distance. She walked towards him but he shook his head.
“I need to explain this carefully and if you touch me, I will not be able to resist kissing you. I think we both know what happens next. Please, let me … say what I came to say.”
She understood. The tension between them was a flame waiting to burst into the room. “Go on.” But she stayed where she was, only inches from him, so that she could see every flicker of emotion as it passed over his handsome face.
“I was raised to rule my land.” A muscle jerked in his cheek. “It was my birth right. I was to be strong. Fearless. Unbreakable. But losing her did break me, all the more because I could not admit to how lost I was. But, Melinda? I was adrift. I was on a turbulent ocean for a very long time, with no anchor point. I was lost.”
Tears stung her eyes. She wanted, more than anything, to wrap her arms around him.
“She was a Queen, but our mother first, and she was an excellent one. Despite the rigours of her role, she tucked us into our beds every night. She was determined for us to know how much she loved us.”
A tear slid down Melinda’s cheek. She couldn’t look away.
“My brother Zamir was only four. Younger than Jordan.” His lip lifted in a half smile of remembrance. “He took it very hard. They were especially close. I was so envious of him, you know. Emotions that shame me to recall, but I was so jealous of how freely he could express his grief. He cried when he felt sad. He wept, and I comforted him.”
“And who comforted you…?” She asked, appalled to think of this man as a young boy, so isolated and alone with such grief on his shoulders, trying to be brave.
“I coped in my own ways.” He pulled a face. “They were not good ways. I made decisions that were inherently incompatible with my duties to my Kingdom.”
“What decisions?” She asked softly, scanning his face.
His lips were a grim line. He could never tell her about the drug addiction. It was a secret that would destroy what they shared. Whatever that was. She would no longer look at him as she did; she would see her ex. Brent. A man who had not been able to conquer his dependencies. Ra’if was nothing like that. He’d fought a battle and he’d emerged victorious.
Melinda was his prize; he was not going to alienate her.
“It is not important for now. What is important, azeezi, is that I have bottled my feelings up for a long time.” Now he did touch her. He lifted his hands to cup her face, holding her so that he could look into her eyes. “I spent most of my life pushing my emotions deep inside of me, because I believed they weakened me. I denied myself the chance to feel as I really did. And I cracked. It is no way to live.” He padded his thumb over her cheek, watching as wonder spread in her eyes.
“You might not love me. Or maybe you do, and you aren’t ready to admit that to yourself yet. But do you really want to end this? Whatever it is, between us?”
She swallowed; he felt the force of the movement in her throat.
A tear slid down her cheek. He caught it with his fingertip.
“I don’t have the luxury of thinking only of my own wants,” she whispered. “It is just so complicated. If you were just some ordinary
guy from London, I would still feel as I do – I would still think very long and hard before getting involved. Because of Jordan. Because I can’t put him through getting to know someone and becoming attached to them unless I think it’s a forever type of thing!”
“How can you ever have that kind of guarantee?”
“You can’t. That’s why I don’t date. And … you’re definitely not just a normal guy. You’re a King. And you’re from somewhere far away. You don’t even live in London.”
“I don’t live anywhere,” he said thickly. “But for the first time in my life, since we met, I feel at home somewhere.” He dropped a hand to her chest and tapped a finger to her heart. “This is where I want to be. With you. What does the rest matter?”
“It … matters,” she said finally. “What future can there be for us? Where can this possibly go?”
“Wherever you want it to,” he said finally, knowing he was putting more of his heart on the line than he’d ever thought he would. “I am not afraid of my feelings anymore, azeezi. I am afraid only of loss, because I’ve felt it before. And you have too. We both of us have been scarred by it. But aren’t some things worth the risk? Don’t you think what we share is one of those things?”