‘Into your bed,’ she corrected succinctly, refusing to feel sympathy for him. ‘I was never in your life, really.?
??
‘You were my whole life!’ The words were animalistic, thrown at her as though everything he was came down to this moment, to her understanding.
But it had been five weeks, and her hurt went too deep to be eased over.
‘That’s a load of crap. If I was your life, or any part of it, you would never have let me go.’
He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head. ‘Time’s up. It’s my turn. You keep all parts of your life in neat little rows. You tried to do that with me, and when you couldn’t you let me go, because you would rather not be with me than risk giving me more of you. You have no idea what these five weeks have been like for me, Cesare, or you wouldn’t dare show your face to me. I have been in agony. Every moment has been a torment. I have longed for you with every breath in my body. I have woken up in the middle of the night and reached for you. I have seen you everywhere I go. For two weeks I didn’t leave my flat. I have been miserable. Miserable!’ She roared the last word.
The tirade left her feeling exhausted. She glared at him, though, needing to get through this, and then once she was alone she’d give into the full force of the tears that were threatening to engulf her. ‘Please leave.’
‘I went to Alaska,’ he spoke slowly, as though she hadn’t said anything. ‘And I caught fish and I ran. I ran as though I could escape you, and I never could, because you’re in here.’ He pressed his fingers to his chest. ‘You followed me everywhere I went, and one day I was running, thinking of you, wondering what you were doing—were you thinking of me? Missing me? Did you still love me? Or had that love turned to hate? And I came upon a grizzly bear. At least eight feet tall, dark brown, easily strong enough to snap me in half.’
Her silence was stony even as her heart was compressing painfully in her chest.
‘He was no more than a few feet away and, as he turned to look at me, and I knew I was no match for him—no man could be—I thought that maybe if he were to catch me I would at least be out of my misery. At least I could no longer miss you in a way that was driving me completely insane.’
Another gasp.
‘You were right, Jemima. You were so right about me. At sixteen, I swore I would make a success of myself. The memory of how poor my mother and I were has stalked me all my life, and I have done everything I could to outstrip it, to ensure I don’t get dragged back into that life. For twenty years I have worked almost every day. I have become singularly determined and utterly stupid, all at once. How could I realise the greatest fortune of my life was standing right before me, begging me to see what we were?’
She squeezed her eyes shut, his words rushing through her.
‘I have never propositioned a woman for sex. I have never blackmailed a woman into my bed. And I have spent the last five weeks wondering why the hell I demeaned myself by behaving in such an outrageous way. And, the truth is, I knew from our first meeting that I couldn’t live without you. I didn’t know how to win you over with any certainty, and failure wasn’t an option, so I did what I could.’
He rounded the kitchen bench, lifting his hands to cup her cheeks. ‘I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know why I felt this way, I didn’t know why a beautiful little bird of a woman had begun to monopolise my every thought and dream. Christo, uccellina, I get it now—I get it. Please fly back into my world.’
She shook her head, because she didn’t know what she wanted or what she could offer. She just felt completely blindsided.
‘I will work, every day, to earn back your trust. I will listen to you next time you try to tell me how I feel. I will do whatever you require of me, but please, do not make me leave now.’
She lifted her face to his, staring at him with a frown on her face. ‘I only ever wanted one thing from you.’ She spoke quietly, softly. ‘I wanted to love you. It was simple, really.’
‘No one’s ever loved me,’ he said. ‘So, to me, it wasn’t simple. It was terrifying.’
‘Why?’ She shook her head, still fighting him, fighting this, even when her heart and body wanted her to surrender to what he was offering.
‘I have had a long time to think about that, too.’ He moved to her again, and she didn’t step away. ‘My mother almost lost her job because of me. As a child, one day I got into a fight with one of the children she cared for and, when I was disciplined and he was not, I went to the tennis court and I chipped up the grass, right in the middle.’ He winced. ‘I was sent away to boarding school—my mother’s boss pulled some strings and got me a scholarship. I was only a little boy still and the bottom fell out of my world.’
Jemima sucked in a deep breath of air.
‘I was made very aware of the fact that I was there by the good grace of the school. If my grades slipped, even a little, I was out. I didn’t feel I was welcome at the house my mother worked at—I had no home, and no one. And so I devoted myself to my studies. I worked harder than anyone else at school, and have done all my life. And then I poured that into business. It’s driven by a need to succeed, certamente, but more than that it’s a fear I have, deep down, that if I don’t do everything right, everything’s going to fall apart.’
He cupped her cheeks. ‘No one has ever wanted me for me, Jemima. It has been my grades and then my wealth—what I can offer. You are the first person to see me as valuable for who I am, and do you know how terrifying that is? You offered me so much—your beautiful, kind heart—and yet what if I don’t deserve it? What if you realise that and I lose you? I don’t know how to keep you.’
She sobbed then, a sob for her own sadness, but mostly for his, for the little boy he’d been who’d ceased to recognise his own value. ‘Do you love me?’
He lifted his head, a frown on his face. ‘Isn’t it obvious?’
She smiled, because it was, yet she needed him to say it. ‘Not to me.’
‘I love you, sì. I have loved you, I think, for as long as I have known you.’
‘Then keep loving me and you will never lose me.’ She lifted up onto her tiptoes so she could brush her lips against his cheeks. ‘And don’t ever, ever hurt me like that again.’
He grabbed her shoulders, holding her away from him a little so he could look at her properly.