“Yes.” She nodded, unable to tear her eyes away from his. “I hardly fit in my apartment, with all those roses, anyway.”
“Did I go too far?” He asked seriously.
She laughed. “You aren’t someone who does things by half measures. That’s just you.”
He nodded. “Julia, I need to speak to you.” His uncertainty was so unusual that Julia felt a weird twisting in her gut.
“I gathered,” she reached behind her back and pulled his hands apart, taking one in hers and leading him to the carpet. “You got this. Do you like it?”
He nodded. “It’s a perfect match for my bedding.”
“I know.” She threw him a meaningful glance. “I saw it and thought of you.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. Julia sat down, pulling him gently with her. “What did you want to talk about?”
He crossed his legs at his ankles. “I can’t divorce you.” He beetled his brow and shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. Damn it. I mean, I don’t want to. It’s your choice, of course.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat and pretended to examine a fine thread of gold that ran through the rug. “Why?”
“Why do I want to stay married?”
“Yes.”
“I told you already. I love you. If this last month has taught me anything, it’s that nothing can compensate for your absence. You were right to be angry with me. I was selfish and inconsiderate not to realize that my decision to take over from Amal would impact you.”
“Yes, you were,” she agreed. “And you didn’t give me enough credit, Zayn. I don’t care if you’re running the show, or if he is. I’m a big girl. I can cope with a public life if it’s what you want. But the fact you didn’t bother to talk about it with me… it just scares me that you can make such enormous decisions without my input.”
He tugged at his hair in frustration. “My whole life I have been taught to think as a King. Though Amal was destined for the throne, my natural personality is far more…”
“Dictatorial?” She interjected teasingly.
“Confident, let us say,” he responded, flicking her thigh with his finger.
She looked up at him, and her heart turned over in her chest. It seemed to be screaming at her, “You love him! You love him! Just kiss him! Tell him you love him!”
“It is something I promise you I am trying to amend, at least where you’re concerned. I want to be your husband. It’s ironic that I didn’t understand what that means until you’d left me.”
She scrunched up her face. “I’ve never been much of a fan of irony.”
He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. He couldn’t help it. It was torture to be so close to her, yet so far.
“You know,” she said seriously, without moving out of his embrace, “if you’d spoken to me four years ago, we could have avoided all of this.”
“I have been berating myself for my arrogance there, too, Julia. Sweet Julia. You are too sweet for a man such as me. Even as I sit here now, hoping with all of my being, that you will come back to me, there is a part of me that hopes you will get up and leave, too.”
“Why?” she pulled away from him a little, so that she could stare into his honey-flecked eyes.
“I don’t deserve you. I am arrogant. I am over-bearing. I’ve been raised to think these qualities were all that mattered.” He ran a hand over her dark, silky pony tail. “Love has made me selfish, because all I can think about is wanting you back in my life. But I do love you, so much that I almost wish you a happy future with someone less, well, like me.”
“Oh?”
“Indeed. Perhaps an accountant from Swindon. Or a classical pianist. Someone gentle and patient, who doesn’t need to be taught how to consider someone else’s feelings. Someone who would never hurt you, even in error, because they wouldn’t fight with a flea.”
She nodded, pained emotion making her head heavy.
“That would certainly be easier,” she agreed slowly. “But impossible.”
“Because you are committed to me by law.” He nodded, as horrible comprehension dawned. “Our divorce can be formalised at any time, of course.”