“You know what I mean,” I wave his semantics aside. “And he had no right to come. How dare he? After what he did?”
“Amy,” he sighs heavily. “He shouldn’t have told you any of this. The way you love and defend your father is an impressive trait. I have admired your loyalty.”
“It’s loyalty that’s based on a lie! What an idiot I’ve been! Why didn’t I realise?”
“Because you love him,” Zahir said. “And you hate me, remember?”
My heart turns over. Hate him? How long has it been since I’ve felt that? A lot longer than since I’ve said it. “It’s all so messed up.”
But it doesn’t have to be. Things that have been done can be undone.
“I’m not pregnant.”
His brows knit together. “We will try next month.”
“No,” I feel certainty for the first time since leaving Thakirt. “I can’t.”
My heart is empty. “This marriage, our deal, everything, was a mistake. I can’t stay here, and I can’t let dad stay here. We need to leave, at once.”
He jerks his face away, physically rejecting my words. “That’s not possible.”
“I’m not asking.”
“You are my wife and the Emira of Qabid. A divorce is not a simple thing to grant.”
“I’m not asking for a divorce. Not right now. I understand the political importance of our marriage and I would never let you down. Not after all my family has already done to yours. I will stay your wife in name, and if you need me to appear at events, I’ll fly back. I will do whatever you ask of me. But the marriage we’ve been trying to build can’t work. I can’t do this.”
“Why the hell not?”
The fact he doesn’t understand is all the proof I need. “Because I’ve been miserable,” I say, and it’s true. “And the only way to fix that is to leave.” It’s too cryptic, but I can’t tell him the truth about my feelings – I won’t burden him with that too. He doesn’t need to know that I’ve been stupid and fallen in love with him.
I have been miserable. Torn between two men, one of whom didn’t deserve my loyalty and the other will never return my feelings.
“Listen to me. You’re angry. You’re angry at your father for what he did, for lying to you, for all his decisions. You’re angry at me for holding details back, and for blackmailing you into marriage, and you have a right to be angry at both of us, for all these things, but do not react now. Give it a day, let yourself calm down, wait and see how you feel in the morning.”
A half-laugh, half-sob catches in my throat. “I’m not going to feel better in the morning, I’m going to feel worse. I have to get away. I need to be alone to – process all this. All of it.”
Tears sparkle on my eyes.
“You have no idea what it’s like.”
He nods, moving closer to me. I flinch.
“I wanted our baby so much.”
He stops in his tracks, staring at me with surprise.
“Yes,” I answer his unasked question. “I wanted to be pregnant. Anything that would make this feel real. But it’s all a house of cards. Our marriage is fake. Our reasons for marrying – at least from my view
point – are false. It’s all wrong. And I can’t live like that. I need something real, and I need…I want…”
“What?” He asks with urgency.
“I just…” But I can’t do it. I can’t burden him with my love. “I wish you’d told me. You were so angry with me, when that note was found. No wonder! You had every reason to doubt me.”
“No. You are not your father and I was completely wrong to cast you in the shadow of his acts. You would never do what he did.”
His defence of me is so prompt and thorough that I feel something like relief burst through me, but it’s not enough. I know Zahir, and I know his moral absolutism. I know that he will always hate my father, and that after what my father did, he’ll always hate a part of me. I know he’ll never forgive me. How could he? All this time I’ve been falling in love with someone who will never, ever be capable of loving me back.