Somehow, his agreement angers me even more.
I don’t want him to be placid and reasonable. I want him to fight with me. I want him to fight for me. But he doesn’t.
‘All I want is for you to be happy.’
I turn my head away, looking towards the door of the restaurant. ‘And then what, Theo?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You find someone else to fuck senseless whenever the mood strikes you?’
I can’t identify the emotions that dance in his eyes, but I think I see shame there.
‘And how long does that go on? The rest of your life? Is that really all you want?’
A muscle jerks low in his jaw. ‘I want you.’
My stomach squeezes. I take a step back, uncomprehending. ‘What?’ It’s just a whisper, a pained, hoarse word.
‘I want what we have. I don’t want it to end. I want more time.’ He stands up too, hip to hip with me, his eyes holding mine, his sincerity so palpable it hurts. ‘I want another month. Two. Three. However long you can give me.’ His hands lift up and cradle my face and I feel more than his sincerity, I feel his sadness. I know how our end is hurting him, just like it’s hurting me. My throat is raw with unshed tears.
‘I can’t do it.’
‘I won’t hurt you,’ he promises, dropping his head forward so our brows touch and I taste him on my breath. ‘I would never hurt you.’
I sweep my eyes shut. ‘You already have, Theo. You can’t help it.’
‘Don’t say that. I’ve tried so hard to do the right thing by you...’
‘It’s not your fault,’ I promise, not moving, breathing him in for as long as I can because I know this now, right here, really is the end. ‘Do you know what I liked about you? Do you know why I wanted to hook up with you that night at the gala event?’
He’s silent.
‘I’d had a terrible day. It was my birthday.’
He opens his mouth to say something. He hadn’t realised. He doesn’t even know my birthday—that’s how shallow this is.
‘Which means it’s also the day my mom died. And I spent the day with my dad and all that guilt he lays at my feet and I just wanted to forget. I chose you to help me do that because I knew you were like this.’ I gesture to his chest. ‘You’re a bachelor. In fact, you’re famous for it. I knew what I was getting myself into. I just forgot that, somewhere along the way.’
A muscle jerks in his square jaw. ‘Tell me what I can do to make this work. Just for a bit longer.’
‘Nothing.’ I pull away from him then, straightening, pushing against my sore, aching heart. I reach for his hand and squeeze it in mine. His strong, capable hand—hands that have promised me the world even when his heart never had any intention of following through with that.
‘Look after yourself, Theo.’
I turn and walk out with my head held high and my heart smashing into a billion pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘ASHA, WAIT.’ I run after her, catching her as she reaches the street corner. It’s September. It shouldn’t be cold but, out of nowhere, rain has started to fall. Just lightly, but the air has that smell of cooling asphalt and lightning. I grab her arm and spin her around. She’s crying. Everything inside me grinds to a halt.
‘Christ. What is it?’
‘Nothing!’ She glares at me with undisguised anger.
‘I’m sorry, okay. Tell me what I can do to fix this.’
She shakes her head and laughs, but it’s a sad laugh, a sound rich with disbelief. ‘You don’t get it, do you? All along you’ve told me what you want and I thought I was okay with that but a few weeks ago, that night with Angus, I started to feel... I guess it was like opening a box inside of me. I realised how much I wanted to be in a relationship, how important it is to me to have a family one day, but the answer was never about meeting someone else. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you.’