‘Even for me?’
Her words shock me, galvanising me and paralysing me at once so I’m a contradiction of instincts. ‘Asha...’
My voice holds a warning. She stares at me, her expression inscrutable.
‘I’ve told you...’
‘But since then,’ she insists, her voice a little slurred, but her meaning crystal-clear, ‘haven’t you started to feel...anything?’
Have I? I shake my head, knowing that feelings are dangerous, hurt is inevitable. And I don’t want to hurt Asha. ‘No.’ A firm denial, ringing with finality.
She blanches, spinning away from me, lifting a hand to her head. ‘I’m tired.’
‘Yeah.’ My voice is stony. ‘You should go to bed.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I WATCH THE wedding with a smile plastered to my face but the whole time I’m conscious of Theo up there, looking so handsome in that tuxedo, and something inside me is hammering hard against my ribs.
Tears are clogging in my throat, because I feel like I’m sinking or drowning or being forced off the edge of a cliff.
All I can think about is our conversation. I’ve barely seen him since—he was involved in wedding preparations yesterday and he spent last night with his brothers. Or maybe he was just avoiding me?
I was pretty tipsy after Grace’s bachelorette night, but not so tipsy I can’t remember what I said, and what he said. Not so tipsy that I’ve forgotten what I want and need from him, or how empty I felt when he didn’t offer it.
Not drunk enough to anaesthetise the pain at my own stupidity.
I’ve fallen in love with Theo. I think I’ve known it for weeks, maybe even months, but this last week has crystallised those feelings into certainty. Seeing Jagger and Grace together was the final piece of the puzzle. Yes, I love him, and my life will never be the same again.
I draw in a breath and his gaze jerks sharply to mine as though, even at this distance, he’s attuned to my every movement. His eyes run over my face. I keep that tight smile pinned to my lips but inside I’m falling apart completely.
And suddenly I’m not here in Australia on the deck of this sublime yacht in the shade of the Sydney Opera House. Suddenly I’m nine
and it’s my birthday and my dad is drunk, really drunk. He doesn’t know I’m sitting under the piano—I used to love that place, so out of the way and quiet, away from anyone’s notice. I hear him on the phone. I don’t know who he’s talking to. ‘She looks so much like her but, God help me, I hate her sometimes. I hate her, I hate her. How can I feel anything but?’
My eyes sweep shut and for a moment my smile drops. When I open my eyes Theo’s looking at me from where he’s standing beside his brother, his expression showing concern. I look away, swerving my eyes towards Grace.
I’m in love with Theo Hart and, just like my dad, he’ll never love me back. Just like my dad, he’s not capable of that. I suck in a painful breath and my blood hums with self-recrimination. I knew this all along. I had a thousand warnings and I heeded none of them. This was always within my power to control and I didn’t.
I’ve been so stupid, so reckless. I deserve to feel this soul-splintering ache. He warned me. At every step of the way, Theo has warned me. He has no problems with our relationship ending; he doesn’t want me. Just like my dad.
Memories of boarding school run through my mind, the awful knowledge that I was being sent away because he couldn’t bear to have me in his home a moment longer. I had no home, not really. Not if home is a place where you’re welcomed and loved.
I’ve been alone for as long as I can remember and being alone is what I loved about this situation with Theo—at first. Initially, we were like two people who were on parallel paths. We had sex but neither of us impacted too significantly on the other’s life. He was no threat to me. I felt safe. Somehow that changed and now he’s in every facet of my life, just like he’s in every cell of my body.
And I’m in none of his.
The wedding is short but, to me, it drags. I stare at Theo and I accept that I have to walk away from him. Not later tonight, not tomorrow. Immediately. It’s going to be the hardest thing I ever do but I was right all along—he’s quicksand and I’m already in so deep. Up to my neck at least. If I don’t leave now, I’ll drown.
I harden my resolve, keeping a smile pinned to my face even as my heart is dying. This is what I have to do. Not once have I let my dad see my grief. Not once have I shown him how much his rejection hurt me. My pride forbade that, and that same sense of pride shapes my plan now.
I’ll go without a backwards glance and not for a second will I let Theo know the reason. It wouldn’t be fair on him. He’s never promised me love, and it’s not his fault I’ve broken the rules we agreed to. None of this is his fault.
* * *
‘What do you mean, “gone”?’
I stare at the waiter and that old adage ‘Don’t shoot the messenger’ screams inside my brain but I can’t help it. I look at the man as though he’s just told me the sky is about to fall because everything Asha said after Grace’s bachelorette party is right there in the forefront of my mind and my sense of foreboding is impossible to ignore.