‘I know you don’t.’ She sighed. ‘But don’t you think it’s past time we did?’
‘No. I can’t.’
‘Why can’t you?’
He dragged his hands out from under hers, and blurted out the truth. ‘Because damn it, I know he raped you. And I can’t stand it. To know he hurt you. And that I’m the result.’
‘What…?’ Her face went white, with shock or pain, or quite possibly both. ‘How do you know that?’
‘I saw the two of you together when I was a kid. When he came to the cottage that time. I saw him try to hurt you again. And I heard everything he said.’
‘Oh, Zane.’ She took his hands in both of hers, clutched them hard. ‘I had no idea you were there—if I had I would have explained it to you. Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you.’ He pulled his hands away, all the anger and bitterness and self-loathing he’d kept hidden for so long threatening to choke him. Until finally he had to ask the question that had been lurking inside him for so long. ‘How can you not hate me?’
‘Stop that.’ She stood up, and pulled him into her arms. The magnolia scent enveloped him as she held his head to her breast, ran her fingers through his hair. ‘Now you listen to me.’
His whole body shook, but the quiver of emotion calmed as her sure steady voice drifted through him.
‘Yes, he raped me, but it wasn’t as black and white as you probably think. I was young and foolish and he was handsome and sophisticated and married and I had a crush on him. I knew he liked me and I flirted with him, encouraged him. It was only when he came to my room that I panicked. I asked him to stop and he wouldn’t.’
She drew back, cupped his cheeks in gentle hands. ‘I’m not saying what happened was my fault, because it wasn’t. He was a ruthless, selfish and ultimately cruel man who took advantage of my naivety. But even though I hated him at the time, and for years afterward, I managed to find forgiveness for him. And do you know why?’
Zane shook his head, not sure he could bear to hear it.
‘Because out of that horror, out of that cruelty and selfishness, I got you.’
He covered her hands with his, drew them away from his face. ‘You don’t have to say that. I’m not a kid any more. And I know having me ruined your life.’
‘Zane!’ Her gaze became shadowed with hurt, and it cut into his heart. ‘Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. You didn’t ruin my life.’ She placed her hands on his shoulders. ‘You are and will always be the best part of my life.’ Her voice strengthened. ‘I thought that after twenty-four excruciating hours of labour. I thought it when you were eight and broke a tooth in a fist fight that cost me three hundred dollars to fix.’ She gave him a little shake as if trying to force the words into him. ‘I thought it when you insisted on losing your virginity to that dreadful girl Mary-Lou who thought it was funny to call you a “wetback.”’
‘You knew about that?’ he croaked as mortification engulfed him.
She waved her hand dismissively. ‘And I even thought it when you beat up Nate, for no other reason than he wanted to be your brother.’ A lone tear trickled down her cheek, and he ducked his head, humbled as all the shame and anger that he had held inside for so long was beaten into submission by his mother’s love.
‘Why on earth would I stop thinking it now?’ she whispered. ‘When you’ve become this big, strong, beautiful man who always tries so hard to do the right thing—even when he doesn’t know how?’
She cradled his cheek. ‘You may have come from a horrific act. But you’re not responsible for it. Any more than I was. And just because he fathered you, it doesn’t mean you’re like him, any more than Nate is like him. Or Brandon. Think about it, Zane. Because if you’re tainted by his blood then so are they and any child you might have. Surely you can see how foolish that is?’
He let out a heavy sigh.
Iona was right. He should have talked about this with his mother a long time ago. It would have saved them both so much heartache.
‘That’s some speech,’ he said, at last.
‘If I had known that you knew what you did, I would have given it to you twenty years ago,’ she said, giving his cheek a gentle pat and returning to her seat.
He smiled weakly. ‘I should have told you.’
‘Yes, you should have, but you’re a man, so it’s not all that surprising you didn’t.’ She laughed, but then her gaze sharpened. ‘Now, tell me all about Iona.’
&
nbsp; His smile faltered.
‘I knew there was something going on there,’ his mother added. ‘You seemed taken with her.’
He shrugged, more than a little uncomfortable talking about exactly how taken he had become with Iona. ‘There’s not a lot to tell.’ Or not a whole lot he could tell his mother. ‘We’ve been dating for a while. She’s been living at my place this past week…’