And before I started my new job in his organisation.
We would always have a connection now, but I couldn’t let it become a sexual one. I had thought I was invulnerable to his charms. I had just discovered that I was not. Managing our emotional commitments was going to be hard enough already, but adding this explosive sexual connection would turn them into a minefield.
‘Being a parent isn’t something you’re instinctively good or bad at,’ I managed at last. ‘It’s something you have to learn. I was terrified I’d fail Cai as soon as he was born. Even before he was born,’ I admitted. ‘And I still make mistakes now. In fact, I’ve made some humdingers. Not telling his father he existed being the most obvious one.’
‘Perhaps it is time you stopped beating yourself up about that.’ He shoved his fists into the pockets of his sweat pants. They hung low on his hips, only making me more aware of the muscular expanse of his bare chest.
I looked away, something releasing inside me at the offhand demand.
‘Thank you for not hating me,’ I said.
‘You were very young,’ he murmured. ‘And I behaved badly towards you.’
His knuckle touched my chin, forcing my gaze to meet his.
‘If you were so terrified of becoming a mother, why did you decide to keep the child?’ he asked.
Because I loved you so much, too much.
The words echoed in my head. But I couldn’t say them because they would make me even more vulnerable than I was already. That he would never have suspected the truth seemed to damn those feelings even more. And made me realise how futile they had always been.
‘I guess I wasn’t thinking much. I’m not even sure I made a conscious decision. I was too confused. Too heartsick after Remy’s death and...’ And being banished by you, I thought but didn’t add. ‘And having to leave Monaco and my life here. And then, once I’d seen his tiny form on the first scan, there was only one choice that felt right for me.’
It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was enough of the truth to satisfy him, because he nodded and tucked his hands back into his pockets.
‘But I’m sorry I took the choice away from you,’ I said, even though I wasn’t sorry, because I could never be sorry for having Cai. ‘Of whether or not to become a father.’ I sucked in a lungful of air. I really needed to go now—this was getting awkward and too much. ‘I think we should take time out. There’s no pressure for you to meet Cai. It’s a big adjustment for him coming to Nice and it’ll take a while for him to settle. And it’s obviously a big adjustment for you too. I want you both to be ready.’
It was a lie. Cai was a remarkably adaptable child and I already knew he would make himself right at home in our new palace. But I couldn’t face Alexi again for a while. I needed time, space and distance. The hunger still hummed in my sex, and I couldn’t seem to get any of this into perspective.
I picked my sandals off the top of the dresser where he’d placed them and slipped them on. He was still staring at me, and I had the weirdest sensation he could see right through my show of maturity to the panicked girl beneath.
‘Why don’t I give you a call once Cai’s properly settled, in a couple of weeks, and we can arrange some visitation—if that works for you?’
He frowned. ‘A couple of weeks?’
‘Well, yes,’ I mumbled. ‘Pierre said you’re headed to the UK tomorrow to prep for the Primo Grande,’ I said, suddenly desperately thankful for that piece of fortuitous timing. The British super race was several weeks away. It would give me time to get over this insistent, dangerous hunger. ‘It would be much better if, when you meet him for the first time, you don’t then have to then disappear for weeks.’ I carried on talking as I walked backwards towards the door, scared he would try to stop me again. And even more scared that I wanted him to. ‘A week to a four-year-old is an eternity. So why don’t we leave it until you get back?’
He didn’t answer, but I took his silence as his consent.
‘Great,’ I said and left.
I ran down the stairs, out the back door and climbed into the convertible. But, as the powerful car purred to life, I couldn’t resist glancing over my shoulder.
My breath caught as I spotted him, standing on the veranda of his bedroom, watching me.
I accelerated into the night, swallowing down the burst of heat—and fear.
CHAPTER TEN
Alexi
AFTER RINGING THE bell the following morning at the door of the villa I had purchased for Belle and my son, I pushed my hands into my pockets and waited for her to answer.
My heart galloped into my throat and heat settled at the base of my spine as I heard footsteps inside the house and a female voice.
‘Just a minute.’
The door swung open, but the tension in my gut relaxed. The woman in front of me wasn’t Belle. She looked vaguely familiar, though. She had the same heart-shaped face as Belle, her hair a deep chestnut instead of the rich vibrant red of Belle’s. Pretty, but not stunning. I decided the woman must be the second cousin I had met briefly in Barcelona when my life had changed for ever.