The taunts and accusations Alex had hurled at her spun round and round inside her head so relentlessly that she wished she could reach in and yank them out.
Because he didn’t know her. He couldn’t know the effect her upbringing had had on her. Nor the power of the rigid principles that her parents had instilled in her. He couldn’t possibly understand the stress of living with the fear that of all the siblings she was the one most likely to let everyone down. Unless she kept a firm grip on her emotions that could happen all too easily.
So Alex was wrong. She wasn’t hiding. It was all about self-preservation, mainly saving herself from herself. He had no right to have a go at her like that.
And yet…
The little voice that had been hammering away at her conscience throughout the Tube journey refused to be silenced.
What if Alex was right?
Phoebe sat up, crossed her legs and pulled a cushion onto her lap. What if she was using her insecurities as an excuse and hiding behind a wall of guilt?
She’d survived the past couple of days, hadn’t she? She hadn’t let anyone down, least of all her family.
And actually guilt didn’t stop the same mistakes happening over again, did it? Not when other emotions came into play and corrupted your ability to think rationally.
Guilt certainly didn’t prevent problems and tricky situations sprouting up all over the place. And what was she going to do when they did? Torment herself with ‘what if’s and ‘if only’s and ‘should have’s? Or just get on and deal with them?
Frankly she was always going to fret about any course of action she took and wonder whether things might have turned out better had she done something differently. It was the way she was built and had been for the last twenty-nine years. She might as well get used to it.
Phoebe chewed on her lip. She tentatively ran her mind back over the conversation with Alex in the conference room and tried to look at it from his point of view. All he’d done was suggest an affair and she’d completely overreacted. Her cheeks burned and she buried her face in the cushion.
What was so scary about an affair anyway? People had them all the time without going to pieces. After all, it wasn’t even as if Alex had been proposing a proper relationship. Just sex to unwind after a long day at work. Stringless, emotionless but scorching nonetheless.
Fun, he’d said. An affair with Alex wouldn’t just be fun. It would be amazing. Exhilarating. And probably about time. She’d worked hard, but it had been at the expense of playing, and didn’t she deserve some fun?
Surely she’d be able to keep her focus clear. She was a very different person from the infatuated fool she’d been when Dillon had betrayed her three years ago. And what was she going to do? Steer clear of men and messy emotion for ever?
As her brain adjusted to the possibility of an affair with Alex Phoebe felt excitement flicker in her breast. She had no plans for the afternoon and she was far too wound up to settle down to work. She ought to dash over to his office right now and tell him of her change of mind.
Hmm. In all likelihood he’d never want to see her again. She’d resisted him. Rejected him. She’d nearly slapped him, for heaven’s sake. Shame hit her square in the chest. That had been particularly appalling. She owed him an apology for that at the very least.
Because she had wanted him. He’d definitely been right about that. She’d wanted him with an urgency that confounded her but had her heart thundering just thinking about it now. When he’d described what he’d like to do to her on the table in the conference room she’d nearly passed out at the thrill.
Phoebe jumped up as the glimmer of an idea crept into her head. Maybe there was a way she could let him know she’d changed her mind without actually having to suffer the embarrassment of admitting that maybe, just maybe, he was right and she’d been wrong.
After all, didn’t actions speak louder than words?
Alex sat back in his chair and tried to concentrate on the meeting going on around him. Negotiations with his latest investment opportunity were at a delicate stage. He ought to be dedicating his full attention to it.
But all he could think of was Phoebe’s flat refusal to have an affair with him. The disdain in her voice, the look of horror on her face… It grated more than it should have. He never usually had any trouble persuading women into his bed.
Although there hadn’t been too many of those lately.
Maybe that was why her rejection stung.
‘Alex?’
The voice of one of his finance department snapped him out of his thoughts. ‘What?’
‘They’re pushing for twenty-five percent. I know we originally wanted a fifty-percent stake, but I think we should drop it.’
‘Settle at forty,’ Alex said and suddenly got to his feet.
This was driving him insane. And dammit, there was no reason he should feel like this. His scowl deepened with every stride towards his office. Where was his address book? He threw himself into his chair and pulled out the drawers of his desk. Aha.
Alex brushed off the dust and flicked through yellowing pages filled with the phone numbers of women he’d dated over the years. One of the numbers was bound to still be valid. He didn’t particularly care which one. Any of them would do to prove to himself he didn’t need Phoebe.