‘No, I don’t.’
He’d had enough. ‘I thought I was good at denial but you’re a master. You’d drive a man to drink.’
‘All right,’ yelled Phoebe. ‘I do want you. You’re right. Saturday night was amazing. I do want a repeat. But it’s not going to happen.’
Alex shoved his hands through his hair. ‘Why the hell not?’
She gaped. ‘How can you even ask that? While I was in your bed, papers were going to print with that story. I should have been here.’
Alex froze. Was that what this was all about? Guilt? It was lucky he was an expert on the subject. ‘That wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I shouldn’t have dragged you off to the island in the first place.’
‘I could have got on that boat. I should have got on that boat.’
Alex frowned. ‘It wouldn’t have made any difference. We were due to leave at lunchtime.’
Phoebe threw her hands up in a gesture of anguish. ‘I’d planned to hitch a lift with one of your colleagues who was leaving that night. If I’d done that, if I’d had the strength to stick to the plan I would have been here for Jo.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘But no. What did I do? Leap into bed with you.’
He winced at the disgust in her voice even though he knew it was directed more at herself than at him. ‘Guilt doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s a complete waste of time.’
‘Hah. What would you know about guilt? I bet you’ve never suffered a moment’s guilt in your entire life.’
Alex felt as if she’d thumped him in the gut. ‘Is that what you think? Then let me set you straight. I’ve spent the last five years riddled with guilt. Over what happened to Jo. Over whether I could have done something to prevent it. And you know what? Maybe I could have done more. Who knows? But one thing I’ve come to realise recently is that beating yourself up about something that can’t be undone is utterly pointless.’
‘It isn’t pointless,’ she said sharply. ‘It can stop you making the same mistake again.’
‘Can it? Does it stop you making the same mistakes again?’
Phoebe glared at him. ‘It’ll stop me jumping into bed with you again.’
Alex reeled. ‘I didn’t realise you found it so unpleasant the first time.’
Her shoulders dropped and she ran a hand through her hair. ‘I didn’t. You know I didn’t. But you make me lose control. You distort my focus. My judgement does derail when I get distracted and I can’t risk that.’ Her voice cracked. ‘Honestly, sometimes I feel like my finger is hovering over my self-destruct button and it’s only sheer will power that stops me from jabbing at it and watching my life unravel with some sort of morbidly fascinating relief. I nearly just lost everything. My business, my career, everything I’ve ever worked for.’ She pulled her shoulders back and shot him a look of calm finality. ‘I won’t compromise that for a brief fling with you. It’s just not worth it.’
Something deep inside Alex suddenly exploded. ‘That’s utter rubbish.’
‘What?’ Phoebe gasped but he carried on regardless.
‘You’re good at your job. You know you are. You spent long enough telling me about it. You might not have been available the instant the story hit the papers, but you salvaged the situation regardless.’
‘By the skin of my teeth.’
‘But you did it. And if you’re so terrified of your precious life unravelling, why set up your own busi
ness when nine out of ten start-ups fail within the first year? Now I have no idea where this sudden misguided lack of confidence comes from, or even if it is a sudden misguided lack of confidence, but whatever it is, for some reason I can’t work out, you’re using it to hide behind.’
‘I’m not hiding behind anything. Is it really so difficult to believe that I just don’t want to have an affair with you?’
‘Frankly, yes. Because your body still craves mine as much as mine craves yours.’
Phoebe shrugged as if electrifying sexual chemistry was nothing more than a minor inconvenience in her life. ‘That’s just biology.’
Alex felt the energy drain out of him. Why was he fighting so hard for this? It wasn’t as if Phoebe were the only woman on the planet. ‘Fine.’ He stepped back and shot her a humourless smile. ‘You know something? I really don’t need the hassle. I just thought a fling might be fun.’
And with that he turned on his heel and stormed out.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE MINUTE PHOEBE got home, the strain of holding herself together snapped. The door slammed behind her and her bag landed on the hall floor with a thud. Her raincoat fell into a crumpled heap a foot further on and she stumbled into the sitting room. Her legs gave way and she collapsed on the sofa shaking uncontrollably.