‘Fine,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘I had a girlfriend. I was unfaithful to her. End of story.’
Definitely not the end of the story. ‘Why?’
He glanced at her and frowned. ‘What difference does that make?’
‘It makes all the difference in the world, because I don’t believe you’d sleep with someone else for the sake of it.’ Despite currently behaving like a stubborn idiot, he had far too much integrity. If he had been unfaithful then there must have been a very good reason for it.
Will shoved his hands through his hair. ‘Tania and I went out for around six months. She was bipolar. Not that either of us knew then. In my naivety I thought she had one of those extreme personalities. When she was on a high it was thrilling and I was only too happy to go along for the ride.’ He shrugged. ‘But then she started behaving strangely. Going off on her own and drinking more. For a while I thought it might have had something to do with me.’
He gave her a melancholic little smile and her heart twanged. ‘It couldn’t have been you.’
‘I know. At the time, though, I didn’t know what to believe. My mother had just died and my father started being difficult, not that that’s any excuse. Anyway, the depression spiralled out of control so swiftly … I guess I didn’t know how to cope. I just sort of unravelled.’
Bella’s throat stung. ‘You were young.’
Will sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. ‘Not that young. I should have been able to handle it. Instead, after one particularly harrowing weekend I went to a bar, drank myself into oblivion and woke up in a stranger’s bed.’
And he was still riddled with guilt. It was in his eyes and in his expression. ‘What happened after that?’
‘I immediately went round to her flat and confessed everything.’
‘And?’
‘We split up. She moved in with her parents and I went to the Cayman Islands.’
‘Did you ever see her again?’
Will nodded. ‘A couple of years later we met up for a drink when I was here for a conference. We talked. She’d got a lot better and told me she didn’t blame me. That she’d have probably done the same if the roles had been reversed.’
Bella tilted her head and wished there were something she could say to take away the guilt and the torment filling his eyes. ‘Everyone makes mistakes, Will. Especially when they’re young.’
‘Yes, but not quite like the one I made.’
She tilted her head. ‘Well, no. But you don’t seriously think you’d do it again, do you?’
His expression turned bleak. ‘It’s not a risk I’m prepared to take.’
Bella’s heart wobbled as the world seemed to stop turning for a moment. ‘Ever?’
‘Ever.’
‘Then I feel sorry for you. Because based on a very specific set of circumstances that took place years ago you’re depriving yourself of the chance to find true happiness. And that’s a tragedy.’
His jaw was set, his expression implacable. ‘How can you say that with such certainty? How can you can believe in love and faith and happily ever after when you’ve never had it?’
‘Because I’m an optimist. Because I know it’s out there and I’ve seen it. And because I don’t let my past rule my life. I don’t run and hide when my demons leap in front of me.’
Will shrugged and his eyes went bleak. ‘Then you’re stronger than I am.’
That was ridiculous. She’d never seen strength like his and to see him not want to fight for them was agonising. ‘She forgave you, Will,’ Bella said, silently pleading with him to give them a chance. ‘Why can’t you forgive yourself?’
‘I just can’t.’
And with those three words all her hopes and dreams crashed to the ground, smashing into smithereens at her feet while her heart splintered into a million pieces. ‘I see,’ she said, somehow managing to pull her shoulders back and give him a shaky smile because she couldn’t let herself fall apart in front of him. ‘So this really is it.’
He nodded. ‘It really is.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN