“There was a group of guys standing at the mouth of an alley? They were smoking and saying stuff to people that walked by?”
“I remember.” Finn had noticed the gang half a block away and had shifted Charlotte to his left side.
“Your whole demeanor changed. Nothing I could put my finger on, but I looked up at you, and I thought you seemed, I don’t know, like the dominant lion on the savannah. Those men saw it too. They didn’t say a word when we passed.”
Finn had leveled an unspoken threat, daring the men to make a lewd comment about the angel by his side. None took that dare.
“When I left New York, I went straight to BUD/s for SEAL qualification. That’s where I met Tox.”
Charlotte leaned forward. Finn stood, picked up the chair with her in it, and moved it so it was touching his. “I need to hold your hand.” He twined their fingers as he continued.
“We were perfect swim buddies. Tox was the physical strength; I was the mental. He’d haul me through a tough drill, and I would talk to him, keep us focused.” He crossed an ankle over the opposite knee and looked out into the now-dark woods. “One night during hell week, Tox was done in. I could see it in his eyes. He had a knee injury from playing college ball, and he was hiding it, but it was so swollen I could see it through his pants. There’s this bell you ring if you want to quit, and I had seen him staring at it the whole day. I told him I’d be right back and walked off. When I came back, I held out my hand in a fist.” He demonstrated. “Then I opened my hand and showed him what I had.”
“What was it?” Charlotte squeezed his palm.
Finn’s grin was evil when he turned to face her. “The clapper to the bell.”
“You stole the clapper?”
“I looked at him and said, ‘there is no fucking bell.’ I swear to God, Charlotte, he laughed so fucking loud I think the entire base heard him.”
“And you both made the SEALs.”
“On the Teams, I wasn’t reckless or stupid. There are a few guys... Have you ever heard the term NAFOD?”
“I don’t think so,” she replied.
“Not surprising. It’s not an official military term, but we all know it. It means No Apparent Fear of Death. We’ve all run across guys like that. Reckless. Guys who almost have a death wish. That wasn’t me. I was…” He searched for the right word.
“Brave, Finn. You were brave.”
“Brave. Yes.” He ran the hand that wasn’t holding hers down his face. “When I was captured, it’s like they took my bravery. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, of course, it does.”
“Everyone thought I was so angry because I lost my looks. I was this handsome guy, and these monsters turned me into a freak. But that wasn’t it.”
Charlotte tipped her head in challenge.
“Well, that wasn’t all of it,” he amended.
Finn let go of her hand and stood. With his palms flat on the porch railing, he spoke to the night. “I lost my brave, Charlotte. They took the thing that made me me.” He blew out a heavy breath. “I had this huge hole inside, where all that courage had been.” He faced her then.
“I filled it with rage.”
She recoiled in the big chair. It wasn’t obvious, but Finn saw it. He came down to his knees in front of her. He took both of her hands and held them in her lap, the backs of his pressed against her swollen belly.
“Charlotte, I need you to hear me. You know how people say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? For so long, there was no light, just one long, dark fucking tunnel. I was stuck in this limbo, I couldn’t get past. Can you imagine what that’s like? No end? No beginning? No hope?”
She didn’t speak and probably didn’t realize the slight shake of her head. Charlotte was an optimist; she saw the good. Finn knew she could understand, even sympathize, but it just wasn’t in her nature.
“I’m seeing it now. May helped me see that I filled an empty space inside myself with anger, the way some people do drugs, or sex, or alcohol.”
“Like an addiction?” she asked.
“Yes, kind of. It’s like an addiction because I was using anger until the anger took over.”
Charlotte nodded and squeezed his hands.