Tarin: Chapter 13
I listened as Bear then Outlaw explained and begged me to understand and to say something. I just felt numb at first from the rage. However, as that numbness settled, the pain, the disgust, and the memories came pouring back. Everything I’d worked so hard to push behind a door in my mind. It was the only way I had been able to survive what he’d done to me. I kept those memories locked away and anytime it felt like that door was opening, I’d slam it shut. Now, I didn’t care if it opened or not. I couldn’t hurt any more than I did now. My life was over anyway. Might as well go out with a bang. I looked up at them. Both of their faces were creased with worry, pain, and regret. I started talking.
“He started touching me when I was nine years old. At first, I didn’t know what was happening. He’d have me come into his study every night and sit on his lap. He'd ask me to tell him about my day. He called it our daddy-daughter time. Mom wasn’t invited. He’d rub my back and play with my hair. He’d move around in his chair. I didn’t understand then that what he was doing was getting hard and his erection was rubbing against my bottom.”
Bear and Outlaw both swore. They opened their mouths to speak, but I stopped them. “You wanted to know, now listen. I’m not saying this again and I can’t get it out except all at once.” They closed their mouths. “That happened for maybe six months. After that, I started to notice that he watched me all the time. He took every opportunity to be alone with me. It made me feel weird. I had some friends from school. When I stayed all night with them, I started to watch how their dads acted with them. They were affectionate, but not like mine.”
I paused to open the bottle of water I took out of my pocket. I took a big swig. “I tried to avoid him. I’d find excuses to not be alone with him, to stay with my friends, to not sit on his lap anymore. He got upset. Finally, a week after my tenth birthday, he managed to get me alone. He came to my room. He explained how I was his special girl and that he loved me. He said that Mom would be jealous if she knew. That sometimes daddies and daughters had special relationships that they didn’t tell their moms about. That’s the first time he touched me. He touched my breasts, or I guess what was the start of them, and then he put his hand down my panties.” Bear and Outlaw were holding onto their knees with punishing grips. Their knuckles were white.
“I knew he wasn't right. I told him no, but he didn’t listen. He said not to tell Mom, but I did. She said she didn’t believe me.”
Bear jumped up and walked to the window. His hand was fisted in the curtain.
“I tried to lock my door, but he had a key. He kept coming into my room every chance he got for the next month. He’d kiss me and then fondle me. He tried to get me to touch him but I wouldn’t. He was mad about that, but he kept trying. Then one night Mom came home from her weekly girls’ night early. I dreaded when she had those because he spent more time with me. She came in and he didn’t hear her. She came to my room for some reason and caught him touching me, while he was trying to force me to give him oral sex. I was crying, fighting, and begging him to stop. She freaked out.”
Bear tore the curtain rod down and he roared in anger. Outlaw got up and ran to the kitchen where he heaved over the sink. I didn’t stop. I couldn't. The memories were like a movie in my head. I had to get them out.
“They fought most of the night. I waited for her to come and get me, so we could leave. The next morning, she came in all happy and said we were moving, but I couldn’t tell anyone what he did to me. I didn’t understand why. Surely, he would go to jail. It wasn't until later that I realized if I told, her blackmail over him would be gone. We moved, and I never saw him again. Or I should say, I never saw him again in person. He was in the paper and on television from time to time. After that, I could never truly trust my mom either.”
Bear was back sitting beside me, and Outlaw was back in his chair. “Jesus Christ, Tarin. How the hell could you live with this? You’ve kept it hidden away all these years, haven’t you? You never told anyone, did you?” Outlaw asked me brokenly.
I shook my head. “I couldn’t, at first. It was a matter of survival. If I didn’t think about it, then I could pretend it never happened. Mom and I co-existed until I was eighteen, then I moved out and got my own place. We’d see each other once in a while. After all, she had to keep up appearances. The day he died, I got drunk, went to his grave, and I danced on it.”
Bear took my hand in his. “Honey, I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t there. That I didn't know about you. I would have never left you to be raised by someone else. I swear to God, Tarin, I would have killed him and your mother. How could she not believe you!”
“She said little girls lied. I think she meant she lied so why shouldn’t I. I don’t know. I didn’t ask her. It took me a while to be able to seal it behind a door in my head. Those first six months after we left were the hardest. I was always getting into fights and trouble at school. No one ever asked why. They assumed I was a spoiled little princess. That’s what the principal said.”
Outlaw groaned. “And then I called you one. God, no wonder you were pissed at me that night. Tarin, tell us what we can do. Tell us how we can make up for this. We love you and we can’t lose you, baby.”
“You can’t, Outlaw. Neither of you can make up for it. I forgot the golden rule. Don’t trust other people because they always let you down. I’d like to go to bed. I’m tired. I’ll be in the guest room, since it seems like I can’t leave.” I stood up, and they both jumped to their feet.
“Baby, if you want to sleep, take our bed. I won’t bother you. I promise,” Outlaw told me. The look on his face was heartbreaking. I just nodded and then crutched up the stairs. He followed me until I was at the door, then he left, but not before he whispered, “I love you, my jewel.”
I didn’t bother to answer. I was too tired to talk, and I needed to think. I closed and locked the bedroom door and crawled into bed.
Outlaw:
I went back downstairs after she went into the bedroom without responding to my declaration. I knew in my heart, I'd lost her. She’d never forgive us. I didn’t know what to do. The thought of just ending my misery flashed through my head. I pushed it away. As long as there was the slightest chance she might forgive me and take me back, I'd have to hang on. I found Bear sitting frozen on the couch where we’d left him. I went to the kitchen and came back with two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. I poured us a drink.
He took his and swallowed it in one long gulp. I did the same. “Bear, I don’t know what to do. She’s lived with that all these years and didn’t tell anyone. She feels ashamed and dirty. You could hear it in her voice. He touched her. The man who was supposedly her father. How do you get past it? How can you ever trust anyone again? She granted me the miracle of her love and trust and I fucking destroyed it.”
“I don’t know, Outlaw. I don’t fucking know. But we can’t let her leave. If she does, we’ll never see her again.”
“But can we keep her here against her will? That’s not right either. We’re no better than him if we do. I wish to God I could go back and never call Petrillo. I was going to ask her to marry me. I have the damn ring. I've had it since I got her property cut. I was waiting until she felt secure in our relationship. It’s not right that son of a bitch died as a damn saint. He was a monster. You have to know he probably did that to other girls. What happened to them?”
“I can’t imagine she was the only one. I want to know. Did he find out she wasn’t his and he thought this was okay or didn’t he care?”
“Who the hell knows. It’s after three. I think we need to talk to Bull and explain why the cops came in the middle of the night. Do you want to text him and set up something when he’s up in the morning? I'm staying here to be sure she doesn’t try to leave. I was so close to having everything I ever wanted. Now all I have is nothing.”
“I’m not giving up. I won’t. I need to talk to Ilara. Maybe she has an idea. You stay here and I’ll call Bull later so we can meet with him. Don’t let her leave, Outlaw. Please, don’t let her leave. We need a chance to salvage this.” He was pleading with me. He was in as much pain as I was. I nodded.
He got up. I walked him to the door. Before he left, he gave me a man hug. I closed the door and went back to the living room. I sat down to wait for it to be daylight. I looked at the stairs and wished I could be up there in our room holding her.
??????
When it was seven o’clock, Bear texted that we were to meet Bull in his office at the clubhouse. Before I could protest, he texted that Ilara and Jocelyn were coming with the babies to stay at the house with Tarin. That made me feel a little better. Five minutes later, Bear was at the door with both women and the kids. I let them inside. Ilara gave me a hug. Jocelyn was looking at us worried. I wondered if Ilara would tell her after we left.
“Thanks for coming to stay with her. She’s upstairs. I don’t think she’s awake yet. Jocelyn, I know you have no idea what’s going on, but please stay. If she tries to leave, let us know. Ilara, will you call me if she tries to leave or anything?” I asked.