Bear: Chapter 15
The past three days had been more hell, stress, and strain. I worried constantly about Hope and Ilara. Sometimes I worried more about Ilara. She was running herself ragged, and she was exhausted. She scared the shit out of me the other day when she passed out after Dr. Beatty told us about Hope’s treatment. I knew part of it was because he mentioned needing to know what Hope’s father’s family medical history was.
I’d caught her before she hit the floor. It took us a few minutes and some smelling salts to get her to come around. By then, Hope had woken up from her nap. Honestly, I had no idea how she could have slept through all the talking. She started to cry when she saw her momma in my arms and not talking. It took a while to get everyone settled down.
With all that, I couldn’t tell Ilara about Tarin. It was too much all at once, so I decided to wait. She’d been reluctantly letting me come and sit with them. I tried to get her to go back to the compound to sleep, but she refused. I brought her clean clothes and stuff. She showered in Hope’s room.
I think the only reason she let me stay was Hope was always so happy to see me. She’d laugh and even play with me. I helped to keep her entertained. She didn’t understand why we had on masks, gloves, and gowns. We made a game out of it.
The doctors and the nurses were excellent with her. They did their best to make her needle sticks as painless as possible. It got better after they inserted her port yesterday. Ilara had cried when they took her in to do it. I’d stayed with her.
She rarely let me hold her or touch her in any way. If it wasn’t something that directly involved Hope, she wouldn’t talk to me. She stared off into space a lot and I saw her on her phone. She was pulling farther away from me. I had to get her back before it was too late, which was why today, I had Zara and Jocelyn coming to sit with Hope. I was going to tell Ilara about Tarin. I prayed to God she’d understand and let me back into their lives. When Zara and Jocelyn walked in, I let them greet her then I stood up. “Ilara, I need you to take a walk with me. We need to talk.”
She shook her head. “I’m not leaving Hope. We don’t need to talk about anything, Bear.”
“Yes, we do. It’s past time. I’m not trying to add to your stress, but I think this might actually help. I’m not going to take no for an answer,” I told her sternly. If I had to carry her out of here over my shoulder, then that was what I’d do. She stared at me for a couple of minutes before she wilted.
“Fine. Let’s get this over with, so I can get back. When we’re done, I don’t want you to come back here. She needs to learn not to rely on you being here. She has to learn that you’re no longer part of our lives.”
Like hell, I thought to myself. Ilara Graham was in for a big fucking surprise. She stood up and nodded to the old ladies. They reassured her they’d call if anything changed. We walked out of the room. I tried to hold her hand, but she pulled away from me. I led her to the conference room we’d had church in. I closed the door, and she took a seat. I sat down across from her, so I could see her face.
She stared down at her hands. I cleared my throat. “Ilara, I need you to please look at me. I know this isn’t something you want to talk about, but we have to. It’s the only way we can get back to normal.”
“There is no going back to what you call normal, Bear. We’re through. I’ve let you stay because of Hope, but that ends today. Obviously, because of her treatment, I won’t be able to leave town like I planned. I’m sure we can find a way to avoid each other. If we meet, we can nod and go our own ways.”
“Over my dead body will we do that! I’ve had enough of your hardheadedness. You need to hear what I’m saying. I. Did. Not. Cheat. On. You,” I almost yelled. She jerked back in surprise. I fought to calm myself.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. Please, let me get this out then we can talk.” She didn’t say yes or no. I dove into the story. I explained everything that had happened, just like I had to my brothers. I saw her eyes widen a few times and her mouth drop open. By the time I got to the part where she saw me and Tarin coming out of my room, she was shaking. I got up and came around the table. I picked her up and sat down, cradling her in my lap.
“That’s why I was with her. Tarin is my daughter, not my lover. Jesus, Beloved, how could you ever think I’d cheat on you? I told you I love you.”
Tears dripped off her chin. I wiped them away with my thumb then I gently rubbed her bottom lip.
“B-because you wouldn’t make love to me the way you wanted. You held back even after I told you I wanted to see what you were really like in bed. You got mad at me, then you were staying out for hours at night and when you did make love to me, it wasn’t like you did before. When I saw Tarin, I knew she was why. I thought you’d been going and seeing her at night and that was why you didn’t touch me as much.”
I groaned. “God, no, Ilara. I was searching for Todd Hamilton. Plus, me and the guys found Clint Doudna and his buddy who attacked you. We made sure they’d never bother a woman like that again. Or at least they won’t after they get out of the hospital. Let me back up. After you asked me about the sex when Tabitha cornered you, I was upset. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to accept a more aggressive form of sex, just because I like it. I don’t want to do anything that would scare you or traumatize you. I have no idea what things he did to you that night, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but what if I tied you up and used some kind of toy, or got too rough and it made you have a flashback? That would fucking gut me!”
“But it’s not fair for you to not get what you need sexually because of me. I don’t know what’ll trigger a reaction and what won’t. If you do that, you’ll grow to resent me, Bear, and then you might want to find what you need elsewhere,” she whispered.
I growled, “Call me Donovan, Beloved. This Bear shit is getting on my nerves. I would never resent you. Yeah, I like to play rough at times, however, you more than satisfy me the way we are now. I’ve never had sex like I do with you. When we make love, I can’t believe it’s real. If you never want to do those things, I’ll be more than fine. I would have eventually asked you about them, but I thought it was too soon.”
“Oh God, Donovan, what did I do?” she moaned.
“Almost gave me a heart attack. Baby, please tell me you believe me. That you know I would never do that to you. I have too damn much to lose to just get a piece of meaningless pussy. I’d never want that. I want my family.”
She jerked and her head snapped up. “How do you know that Tarin really is your daughter? Could Carol have lied in that diary? Or Tarin wrote it for some reason?”
I shook my head. “No, she didn’t write it. It was Carol’s handwriting. Tarin insisted we get a DNA test. The results should be back in a few days. I have Outlaw looking into her background. He’s making sure her story checks out. So far, it has,” I explained.
“I’m sorry for reacting like I did. It has been an absolute nightmare. God, how can you stand to look at me, let alone forgive me?” she cried out.
“I can forgive you because I understand why you thought what you did. It did look incriminating. Just next time I fuck up, give me a chance to explain, will you? I know I’m going to fuck up because I’m a guy. It’s in our genes.” She giggled.
“Now that we have that out of the way, we need to talk about Hope. I know the other day when Dr. Beatty mentioned needing to know both her parents’ family history, you panicked.”
She nodded. “I did. It’s mainly why I think I passed out. I have no way to ask. It’s not like I can call him up and say, hey, you have a daughter and I need to know your family’s medical history. Okay, thanks and goodbye.”
“No, you can’t but Outlaw is working on that too. He said there’s a lot he can find. What he can’t, Everly and Smoke can. Do you remember them?”