Chapter 9: Jessica
As Ajax led me to his room, I couldn’t get those words out of my head. The ones where Daisy said the only reason he made me an old lady was to give me more safety. If that was true, what was he worried about? The threat to Madisen was over. I didn’t know of any other. Could this have been something the club made him do? I mean, I was a friend to Madisen and their employee. Maybe they thought that was reason enough. My chest hurt as I sat down on the edge of his bed. I didn’t want to talk to him right now. I wanted to go somewhere quiet so I could think. Was this all a big lie?
Ajax crouched down in front of me so he could see my face. I had my head hanging down. He traced his finger up my jaw and across my cheek. “I need you to tell me what in the hell is bothering you. Something Daisy said made you shut down. I think I know but I want to hear it from you.” I edged away from him, but he followed me.
I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it right now, Ajax. I need some time to myself. To think.” I was hoping he’d back off and let me do it. He shook his head.
“The last thing you need is to be alone and trapped with what is in your head. Talk to me, babe. And stop calling me, Ajax. We’re alone, it’s Kellan,” he growled.
I pressed against his chest to make enough room to stand up. He allowed me to do it. I stood and began to pace. I had my hands clenched together. “Is Daisy right? Did you make me your old lady in order to be able to protect me better? And if so, what are you protecting me from? The threat to Madisen is over. You didn’t need to go through the added steps of giving me a cut and the tattoos. You could have told me it was all for show. Why didn’t you?” I was now almost yelling, and tears had gathered in my eyes.
I risked a look at him. He stood there with his mouth hanging open in shock. Then I saw his face fill with anger. He came rushing over to me. I don’t know why I did it, but when he did that, I stepped back and threw up my hands over my face. He stopped immediately.
“Jesus Christ, you can’t think I’d hit you, Jessica. Surely you know me better than that? I’d never hit or harm you.” He rubbed his head and frowned. I knew I’d hurt him by reacting like that.
I tried to explain. “I know you wouldn’t, Kellan. You just startled me. I’ve never seen you look like that. When you came at me, I acted on instinct.”
“Instinct? What in the hell happened to you in the past to make this an instinct? But before you answer that, back to Daisy and you asking why I claimed you. I did it not to give you added security. We could protect you fine as a friend to the club. I made you my old lady because I wanted you and only you, and I fell in love with you. That shit Daisy was spewing is just that, shit. Why would you believe her?”
“Because there is no logical reason for you to be with me. Look at me and then you. Look at her and those other women. I don’t compare. Maybe what you think is love is lust.” I knew I’d made a mistake. His face grew redder.
“You think I don’t know lust from love? Really? Maybe it’s you who mixed it up. Maybe this is all a way to deflect from you and lay the blame on me. Are you planning to walk out, Jessica? If you are, you better find someone with the same name as me, otherwise that tattoo will need a lot of explaining,” he hissed at me.
I marched to the door of his room. I couldn’t do this with him. His words were stabbing at me. His anger at me wasn’t justified. I was asking for him to really consider his feelings. I couldn’t help how I felt. As I grabbed the handle, I looked at him. He was standing there, stock-still, glaring at me.
“Maybe we both made a mistake. We both need to think about this. I think if you’re fast enough, you should be able to catch Daisy. Maybe she’ll clear your mind to the truth,” I told him angrily. I hated that I even said it, but my insecurities about where she and other women came from, no one could understand. Not unless they had lived my life. How did I go about explaining that to anyone?
“Maybe you’re right. Don’t expect me at the apartment tonight. I’ll be staying here,” he told me coldly. My heart sank. He’d be here with all those bunnies. I had my answer. He didn’t really want me. I left without a word. As I closed the door, I felt like I could vomit. I swallowed hard and headed down the hall—not toward the common room, but toward the back door. I wanted to get out of here without any questions. Thankfully, I’d left my keys in the car. The compound was secure, it seemed silly to take them out of the ignition. Besides, that way it could be moved if I wasn’t here. Thank goodness I hadn’t. My purse was still in his room.
As I left the compound, I headed for the highway. I didn’t want to go to my apartment. I wanted to run away, go somewhere that no one would ever find me or hurt me again. I’d opened myself up again and look what it got me. My heart was broken. Only this time, it would never heal. Ajax was the love of my life. I’d never want another man.
Why hadn’t I learned from my past? Why did I let him in? I was an idiot. I would always lose out. I’d never be enough. It was time that I accepted that. But along with that acceptance, I’d have to learn to live without Ajax. I couldn’t do that living in the same town. Having him and his crew coming into the bakery all the time would be torture.
I let myself think about this as I drove. It was almost two hours later that I realized I’d driven through Chattanooga and was in Georgia. I also realized I was exhausted. I didn’t have any money for a hotel since I’d left my purse behind. However, I could pull into a truck stop and sleep for a while. Once I got some sleep, I could go back, get someone to bring me my purse, and give Madisen my notice. I’d have to work fast to find a new job, but I was open to moving anywhere, as long as it was far away from Ajax and the Warriors. On some level I knew I wasn’t thinking clearly, but I ignored it.
Seeing a well-lit truck stop ahead, I pulled off the interstate and drove to the back of the lot. I parked close to a light and shut off the car. Grabbing a blanket I had in the back seat, I wrapped myself in it and settled down to sleep. It took me forever to clear my mind enough to drift. When I did, all I could see was his pissed face. Tears ran down my face as I fought to calm my mind.
Ajax:
I watched as Jessica walked out the door. I was in a haze of anger. How in the hell could she think I didn’t want her, and this had all been a game? I put her fucking name on my body twice! I was building her a house. I planned to marry her. How could she not see I was totally in love with her? That no other woman would compare.
I paced my room with all these thoughts running through my head. I was so pissed I couldn’t even recall what I said when she said she was leaving. Something about going home to her apartment. I knew I needed to stay here until I cleared up my head. My anger had scared her, and I didn’t want to do that. I would never hurt her.
I must have paced for a good half hour or more before there was a knock at the door. I reluctantly went to open it. There stood Bull and Demon. Both had concerned looks on their faces.
“What is going on? Where’s Jessica?” Bull asked immediately. I sighed and waved them into my room. They came inside and looked around. I plopped down on the bed.
“What’s going on is my woman doesn’t think I really love her. That I was doing it to protect her. And that I’ll want to be with others like Daisy. I got pissed and it scared her. She said she was going back to her place, and she wanted to think. I stayed here to cool down and give her space.”
“She never came through the common room. Are you sure she left?” Demon asked. I pulled out my phone and dialed her number, though at present she might not answer me. I heard a ringing sound. I looked around to find her purse on my nightstand. I swore.
“She has to be here. That’s her purse with her phone.”
“You need to go find her. Get this worked out. Something else is working on her and you need to find out what it is. She shouldn’t be this insecure. Don’t let her stay alone all night, Ajax. You’ll end up regretting it. Believe me. I left Jocelyn alone and almost had it blow up in my face,” Bull warned me.
I groaned. “Shit, I was so pissed I don’t even know what I said to her. God, I hope it wasn’t something idiotic.”
“It probably was, which makes it worse. Go find her and get her to calm the hell down. We don’t need anyone going nuts right now. Rebel and Madisen’s wedding is coming up. They deserve to have it come off without a hitch and you deserve to have your woman by your side.”