I continue jogging and try to think of something else now that I have relived my entire family history. I look around at my surroundings. It's a nice neighborhood, a quiet one filled with hills. It's the kind of place that you want to move to and immediately start a family. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen to me? I'm sure it will, I just need to get rid of these pesky thoughts first. I shake my head and start my breathing again. Maybe I should take up meditation or something? I heard that it is supposed to help, but I doubt that I can clear my mind that much. 'Uncle ' mikah has been a constant presence in my mind as well as my life. I doubt he will be that easy to forget about. I know from experience. Still, there has to be something that I haven't tried yet.
I sidestep dog droppings, and a few small clumps of yard trimmings as I jog down the sidewalk. Fortunately I live nearby, but I like to run as long as I can. It keeps me from being alone with myself and my thoughts. Besides, what else was I going to do?
Chapter 2 - Susana
I jog up one of the hills on the sidewalk. I pick up my pace and breathe a little deeper. People are always surprised that a bigger girl like me is able to move around so easily. I have the benefits of being both fit and curvy. It catches them off guard that I am able to run so quickly. I work a lot at being able to move like that. Running helps me work out a lot of the problems in my head. Currently, I'm trying to work on getting my "uncle" out of my head. So far, running faster isn't helping. I had to try it though. I feel like any effort I make to erase these fantasies is progress. I just wish I would find one thing that actually works. I'm kind of scared though, I've had these fantasies for so long. What will happen if they are gone for good? I feel more guilty for asking myself that. I throw myself into my workout with more determination as a result of this guilt. I really need to make more of an effort.
I jog down the hill and continue down the sidewalk. Ahead is the end of the street. I circle around and jog down the opposite side. I head in the direction of home. A few people are out of their houses, checking mail, watering their lawn. It is envious the way they can go through these motions without fighting back shameful thoughts. My footsteps pound harder, betraying the torrent of emotions I'm currently experiencing. It's difficult not to be distressed or morose in my situation.
Years went on. I got older and tried to force down my thoughts and feelings. That was to no avail. By the time I was 18 I had decided that it was time to lose my virginity. Or go on a date at the very least. Previously I had spent all my time pining after someone I would never be able to have. I didn't want to be that pathetic girl that got the chance to experience anything. I tried hooking up with someone my own age. He was a boy I had met from friends. I thought things might work out, but I couldn't even get to second base with him. I tried and tried but he just didn't turn me on in that way. I remember that night, us sitting on the couch and kissing. I took one look at my partner and realized that he wasn't Mikah. I felt revulsion and asked him to leave straight away.
Afterwards I felt such a strong sense of disgust in my gut that I ran into the bathroom and threw up. Once the memory of that night faded, I decided to try again. Two more times, I failed both times. To this day I have remained a virgin with only my fingers to aid in my tension relieving activities. I use my illicit fantasies of Mikah to bring me to completion. They never fail to work. At least I will always have those to rely on I guess.
I hoped things would change once I reached my 20s. It was then that my body truly came into bloom. It was also then when I discovered all the benefits of jogging and exercise. I guess I'm what you would call the desirable kind of curvy, or thick. My body is fully matured with just enough ample fat to give my body an S Shape. I bounce in the right ways. Jogging helps me maintain these curves. Whenever I go out, the first thing people, especially men, do is look at my body. Lastly, my face.