I know I can't be with Susana romantically or sexually. That's obvious and I've been over that so many times. I still feel like I did the wrong thing in abandoning her. I know that was Edith's advice, but it just feels wrong. Not only did I make a promise to care for her, we have been constant in each other's lives since she was born. I can't just take something like that away. I think about all of this for the rest of our game. We finally head back to the restaurant on the golf course. We split a round of lunch and drinks. Once again everyone is absorbed in their own conversations. "I'll be right back." I say leaving the table. They didn't really notice.
I find peace and solitude in the bathroom for a few minutes. I splash water on my face and sit down on the bench there. It is reserved for those waiting for a stall. The bathroom is empty. I go over everything again. Ok, I promised Aunt Edith that I wouldn't be around Susana if I couldn't keep it in my pants. Honestly, I don't trust myself enough not to break that promise, which I'm pretty sure I'd do if I was around her. She's irresistible to me. However, I didn't promise that I wouldn't contact her. I smile as I find a loophole for myself. I pull out my phone and text Susana.
"Susana, It's "Uncle Mikah" I'm sorry for not talking to you, but I'm trying to do the right thing. I can't see you nor do I want to be with you in that way anymore. However, I would still like to remain in your life. I can continue to help you and support you financially from a distance. I hope you understand. " I double check the message and hit send. I stare at the phone as I wait. A few guys come into the bathroom and leave. I tap my foot impatiently on the ground. A while later my phone pings with a response. I grab it eagerly and read it.
"I'm not interested in hearing from you at all anymore! GO AWAY!" I sigh and hang my head as I read it. Her words are angry, blunt and brutal. I'm devastated. I know for certain that everything is over between us. I ruined our relationship and for what? Because I did what I had always wanted to do and touched her. Yes, that night is a beautiful memory that will live on in my mind and my heart. It was amazing but it wasn't worth losing her forever. I'm a disgrace to everyone including my best friend. What must he and his wife think from their spiritual posts in heaven? I net they'd kick my ass if they could come back from the grave. I put my phone away and make it appear as if I was using the bathroom. I have to suck all this emotion up and go out and join my friends again. Ugh, when will this miserable day be over. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life.
I join the others at the table."hey, it's about time. We thought you got lost!" They joke. I laugh sarcastically as I sit down. I try to be a good sport about everything as we finish our meal. Afterwards we split the bill and part ways. Man, I can't wait to go home. There I can wallow in my self pity as much as I want.
Chapter 11 - Susana
A considerable amount of time has passed since everything has happened with uncle Mikah. Honestly, I stopped keeping track of how many weeks. Maybe two or four, who knows. After everything transpired between us and we stopped talking and seeing each other I threw myself into my schoolwork. I finished with my associates degree in a haze. That's right, it's now time for my graduation from the university. I can't enjoy it though. Today is an off day. I've spent all my time working and studying. This left me no time to dwell on Mikah in any way. I prefer it that way. Thinking about him is so painful now. It's wanting something that you can never have. It is the worst heartache imaginable. I don't know how I have been able to endure it this long.
Now that I have some free time I can reflect on that whole situation. I hadn't heard from him at all after our night together. I can admit I was mad at first when he finally did send me that patronizing text. How could he act as if he only wanted to be a father figure to me now? He had gotten to know my innermost parts and had spent the night so deep inside of me! I was livid when I read that and realized that. Another thing I realize now, is that I was naive in my thoughts about him. The whole time I had been hoping that we could somehow still be together even though we both agreed it was just a one night stand.