She twists a bracelet around her wrist, one I recognize. I gave it to her our first Christmas as a couple. After a slow exhale, she continues. “I heard you were in a really bad accident, and then I heard nothing. Your mom was so upset. And then I just didn’t hear a word. It was like your whole family fell off the face of the earth so I just assumed the worst and because we’d broken up I just …”
“I survived.”
“And you look good. Why didn’t you look me up? Why didn’t you-”
“You gave me an ultimatum, Nancy.” I remind her. “You or the military.”
She sucks her bottom lip and nods. “I was young and stupid. I was twenty-one and thinking about our future. I was sure that if you stayed something bad would happen. I felt it in my gut and I … I couldn’t just sit around waiting for the news that you were gone.”
“I couldn’t leave my friends without me. We worked well together. We only lost two people in our platoon on that second trip.”
“And you were almost one of them!” She calms herself and takes a deep breath. “And then I didn’t even know you were alive.”
“It was better that way.”
“Did you do more tours?”
“Medical discharge,” I grunt, taking another long drink.
Nancy scans me. I know I have a bad scar just under my ear, one on my face, but nothing that would suggest the reality of what happened to me. She leans her head to the side. I pat my leg. “No one has use for a one-legged soldier.”
“Oh.” She nods and rubs her hands together. “I didn’t even …”
“And I’m engaged.” I remind her again. “I’m in love and happy.”
“But Aaron said you’re sharing her. You were never the sharing type. Did that change when …” She shakes her head. “You’re worth more than that, Holden. You don’t have to share just because-”
I scoff and shake my head. Her eyes narrow at me. I know that I’m not as shy as I used to be. I was the nerd that felt lucky just to catch Nancy’s eye as a friend. When she’d kissed me – having to make the first move – my world exploded.
But I’m not that man anymore.
“It’s my choice. Sophie is good for all four of us and I’d rather share her with my best friends than not have her at all. And it works. Our dynamic is …” I try to find the words. “It’s as close to perfect as I can get.”
“You don’t see your own worth.”
“You haven’t met my fiancée.” I challenge.
“I don’t have to! She’s obviously greedy and indecisive if she can’t choose just one of you! I mean, it’s only legal with one of you, obviously. Don’t you want more? Don’t you want a woman that just wants you? Who is more than happy to have just you?”
Her hand creeps across the table to brush my wrist. I draw back. “It’s been a lifetime since we were together. We’re not the same people.”
“I haven’t changed!”
“I have,” I say simply. “I’m not the same confused boy I was. I don’t need other people to validate me and I don’t want the same things I used to. I’m happy exactly as I am, not because I’m complacent or settling, but because every day Sophie gives me a reason to be happy. She supports me constantly, challenges me, makes me think about things differently.”
“But-”
“And I live with my best friends, men I know would die for me. We’re more than friends, more than brothers. It’s a relationship that few other people will understand and that’s okay. I don’t care because I know that this is what I want for my future. I don’t have any hesitations.”
“Then why even bother having lunch with me?” She asks. “If you knew that nothing I said was going to change your mind?”
“Because I’m not going to run away from conversations that need to happen anymore.” I stand, put more than enough money on the table to cover all the food. “Take my food to go and enjoy it later.”
“Where are you going?!” She stands. “We’re supposed to be talking for an entire lunch!”
“I need to go and talk to my fiancée before she can think something might happen.”
“Maybe it will.” Nancy rubs my hips, standing in front of me. “It could, Holden. Just run away with me. Come home with me. We can settle down in Arizona. We can have the house and life we always dreamed of.”