“What?” She pulls my head down to look into my eyes. “You let me vent. Let’s go. I can handle it. Even if it’s you telling me what a bitch I am.”
“I’d never say that, Bambina,” I assure her. “Never.”
“Then tell me what’s going on in that head. You’re full of mysteries that I want to know.”
I sigh. “You’re right. Miles wants me in the office a couple weeks after we get married. I’ve been arguing with him about it. I don’t want to work my whole life away and then look back and see all the missed time. I feel like I’m half-assing my time with you.”
“You do?” Her face scrunches up in confusion. “I never feel that way.”
“When I’m with you, I’m always counting down until I have to be back at work which makes me feel twice as pressured to pack the most into every moment. When I’m at work, all I’m doing is thinking about how I’d rather be home with you, or traveling, or checking things off my bucket list.”
She rubs my chest, spreading the suds across my body as I organize my thoughts. “Gunner has always encouraged me to go out and have fun. He’s always asked what the point of all this money is if we don’t put it to use and I thought I was the smart one but now …”
“Now you think he knows a thing or two?” She smiles softly. “He’s eccentric, but he’s not stupid.” She pushes me under the water to rinse me off. “And neither are you, Roman. It’s your life. Even when we’re married, I want you to be happy, to feel fulfilled.”
“I want children, Bambina. We didn’t talk about it, but … I do.”
“It’s been on my mind too. It’s not a no, but… I want to enjoy what we have more first. I would love to have a sweet baby Roman running around the house. But once we have kids, a lot has to be adjusted and we won’t have alone time like this. We won’t be able to travel for years and even then, it will be different.”
I swallow hard and work on soaping her up as she tells me all the places she wants to go, all the things she wants to try. When I rub soap down her spine, my hand stops. She looks over her shoulder and I hesitate again.
“Do not tell the guys this.”
“Secrets, Roman-”
“I’ve been thinking about retiring.” I’m not sure that she hears me over the shower, but she turns slowly and looks up at me with wide eyes. I nod. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. Since before I proposed and … and I don’t know. It hasn’t gone away.”
“If that’s what you want, you know I’ll support you.” She hugs me tightly. “I want you to be happy, Roman. I’m biased because I want you to be happy while married to me, but that’s it. If you want to retire, if you want to try something new, do it. You only get one life.”
I shake a little as I cling to her. This whole shower and sex thing was supposed to be about calming her down, but considering how she’s gently speaking to me in Italian, telling me how much she appreciates me, how good I am, and accidentally calling me a puppy, I feel like it’s done more for me.
“I’m not ready to tell the guys, not until I know what I’m doing. It’s … a big choice.”
“I think we can survive on four salaries rather than five.” She laughs, standing on her toes and kissing my chin. “Now rinse me off and let's go cuddle.”
I chuckle but obey, dragging a clean shirt over her body once she’s dried off and pulling on boxers so we can cuddle while watching a movie. Sophia plays with my hair and hums along with the TV before she pauses. I catch her looking at her engagement rings with a soft, warm smile.
“Help me pack tonight?”
“Am I allowed to?”
“Everything you’re not allowed to see isn’t in the house. You think I trust any of you to not look for things you shouldn’t?” She arches a brow. “The best secret is one that’s not tempting.”
“It’s all with Valerie?”
She frowns. “That obvious?”
“Don’t tell Gunner,” I advise. “He’s meeting with her and going over wedding plans.”
Sophia gapes. “What?”
“Oh yes. It’s very hush-hush. All secretive.” I tease, kissing the worry line on her forehead. “He’s trying to get on better terms with her for you. He doesn’t want her to not feel welcome or you to feel like you have to choose.”
Her eyes water and she hides her face against my neck. “I will never do enough to deserve you guys.”
I pull her onto my lap and hug her tightly before pressing my lips to her ears. “How do you think we feel, Sophia? Why do you think Nick is bargaining and fixing two things today? Why do you think Gunner learned French? Or why Holden’s coming out of his shell to keep the peace?”
“I’m driving you all crazy with my anger?” She whimpers.