Some brides said it just came to them, miraculously and they were able to move forward with it and get everything set the night before.
But those brides only had one man. I have four. I can’t procrastinate.
And knowing I can’t procrastinate adds enough pressure to make me want to. Because it should be easy. I’ve been romantic with them plenty of times over, but I just can’t make it happen.
And I have songs to choose.
How am I even able to take time to sleep? Not to mention the emails that have been piling up for work that I’m going to have to deal with on Monday. I take a few deep breaths, then go to the balcony.
It’s easier to breathe here. I can stare down at the city and the people look like ants. Central park is dark and … almost welcoming. Because when I’m here, my name doesn’t matter. The day of the week doesn’t matter, nothing matters at all. I’m no one to the city.
Exhaling, I rub my temples. The vows will come.
They will. I know I love these men. I know that in the morning, I’ll still love them. Even through all this stress, they’re worth it. I know it. Even if my words end up being clumsy, they’ll be real.
The cake tasting will go fine. I can listen to romantic songs and find one for each of them. It will all be fine.
And if I keep saying that, my head might finally believe it. I can finally just accept that I’m allowed to be happy and there doesn’t have to be a cost for it. Even though this happily ever after seems like it shouldn’t exist.
Things never go this well which means there’s some problem lurking around some corner and I don’t even know how to prepare for it. My phone buzzes and I see a text from Holden that’s telling me to go to bed.
I roll my eyes and look over my shoulder. He smirks at me and joins me outside on the balcony. “Sleep deprivation only makes stress worse, baby.”
“Is that why my head is trying to find issues?” I ask.
“Maybe. What’s wrong?”
“There’s just so much. I feel like we’ve already made a million choices. I mean, I picked my dress today, we’re picking cake tomorrow and so much is already taken care of, but there’s so much more to do.”
“Like what?”
“I have to make the rest of my bridal party. Pick out songs for our first dances. We should probably go and do lessons for dancing. Plus the vows. And the father-daughter dance. All you guys dancing with your moms.”
“My mom isn’t coming,” He murmurs.
I freeze, then slowly meet his eyes. “Holden … why?”
“She hasn’t been a part of my life since I decided to go into the military. She hated it. It scared her, I think. We haven’t talked in a very long time.”
“But … but if she loves you-”
“She’s also very traditional, Sophie. There is nothing about this wedding she’d support. I don’t want her there. I’d rather avoid it all together. Her not being there won’t bother me. In fact, it would be weirder if she was there.”
It’s sad. Horribly sad that they haven’t talked, that she doesn’t want to be in his life, that she’s missing out on everything. Holden smiles very softly and kisses my forehead. “It’s my choice, Sophie. Also, I think choosing the song to dance with you should be my choice too.”
“Holden.”
“You can approve it. I’ll give you three options. How about that?” He asks. “Compromise.”
“I’ve heard it helps with things,” I grumble.
Holden hugs me, his arms winding tight and making me feel safe and sane. He kisses me again and then grabs my bottom. “You should get to bed before my libido starts acting up.”
“Oh, you want to fuck me on the balcony now?” I tease.
“Well, I did fuck you on the roof with the guys, the balcony sounds like a pretty good place to do it. Wake up the whole city, make you forget about all this worry.” He whispers in my ear, low and breathy.
A shiver teases my spine, but before I can form an answer, Holden already has me inside and is walking me to my room. “But you have a guest, so I’ll behave.”