“In every way imaginable.” Hudson’s pale blue eyes filled with sadness. “It’s been my state of being since I walked away from Seb.”
“How do you do it? Why do you do it? Just the thought of not being with Sloane….”
A rush of anguish flooded through Dex at the thought, and his body shivered. He was unaware of how hard he’d been gripping the edge of the counter, or how he’d momentarily lost himself until Hudson placed a hand on Dex’s shoulder. Shit, he hadn’t even noticed Hudson get up and come around the island counter to stand in front of him. What was wrong with him?
“It’s all right. Sloane isn’t going anywhere. He’s most likely thinking of you at this very moment, missing you, smiling at the thought of your laughter. You’re everything to him. Is that his mug?” Hudson smiled and pointed to the clear glass mug with a black cat nose and whiskers.
“Yeah.” Dex picked it up, unable to help his chuckle. They’d been grocery shopping when Dex came across it. The moment he saw it, he had to buy it for Sloane. Sloane had rolled his eyes but humored him. As expected, it made Dex laugh every time Sloane used it. When Sloane drank from it, it made him look like he had a cat nose and whiskers. Dex felt himself relax. “It’s getting worse, I think. I mean, I missed him when we weren’t together, but now I feel kind of queasy.”
“You feel ill when he’s not at your side?”
“I didn’t before, but it happened this morning when he left for work. I threw up.”
Hudson nodded. “It will pass. Your body’s reacting to his absence. It’ll soon catch up to your mind and know he’ll be returning to you. When he comes home it will be rather euphoric.”
“Yeah? Why is that?”
“Our bonds are forged from our most animalistic nature, even for a Human who is marked. When Sloane leaves you, you feel his absence deeply, and your body reacts accordingly, causing you to feel physically ill. In your mind, you know he intends to return to you, but your body has yet to grow accustomed to this knowledge. This is why you’ll feel euphoric when he returns.”
“So you’re saying what I’m feeling is like what a dog feels when his owner leaves the house and comes back?”
Hudson wrinkled his nose. “A somewhat rudimentary example, but I suppose so.”
“Okay, so eventually I’ll stop retching when he leaves and dry humping his leg when he gets home? That’s good news. What about that sense of loss when he’s not with me?” He could deal with the wanting to jump his partner’s bones. When didn’t he want to jump Sloane’s bones? The feeling nauseated or getting sick part didn’t appeal to him one bit.
“That, I’m afraid, will never leave you. He’s a part of you. You’ll always mourn his loss when he’s not at your side.”
“Is there a way to make it… less painful?” He could hardly be at Sloane’s side twenty-four hours a day. That wasn’t healthy for any relationship, bonding or no. It was also impossible considering their professions. Luckily they were on the same team, but out in the field they went where they were needed. Dex couldn’t—and didn’t want to—follow Sloane around like a lost puppy.
“Yes, there is.” Hudson began to unbutton his shirt, and Dex arched an eyebrow. Things were certainly taking an interesting turn.
“Oookay. Is the stripping a part of it, or are you just giving me a show? ’Cause you know, the tea’s on the house.” Dex slid Hudson’s tea mug closer to him.
Hudson arched an eyebrow at him before revealing the charcoal gray T-shirt underneath. Aside from the shirt being too big for him, it was Led Zeppelin. Hudson didn’t strike him as a rock kind of guy, but then again, who was he to judge? The shirt was well-worn, the design faded. It was clearly a favorite.
Hudson’s cheeks flushed. “It was Seb’s. I had it resized, as it was far too big on me. He used to wear it on the weekends when he stayed at my flat. I… um, when I was packing up his belongings to have dropped off at his house, I may have left out a few things.”
Dex’s heart hurt for Hudson. What happened between Hudson and Seb hurt, but after Dex was marked, it was like there was a connection between him, Sloane, Hudson, and Seb. Now that he thought about it, he’d noticed Sloane and Seb talking more, hanging out at work more. They were friends, had been for years, but there’d always been a small rift between them since Seb had been transferred from Destructive Delta. It was like Sloane marking Dex had brought about an unspoken understanding between them.
“Hudson, man….” Dex didn’t even have words.
Hudson gave him a small smile as he buttoned up his shirt. “Terribly pathetic, I know.”
“No. Not pathetic. It just….” Dex rubbed at his chest. It hurt, as if he could feel Hudson’s pain. Not exactly what he felt—Dex could imagine how excruciating it must be—but enough to feel the burn in the back of his eyes. Hudson put a hand to his own chest, and it was as if the throbbing pain in Dex’s chest eased.
“Touching something of his, something he enjoyed or loved, it soothes me. It shouldn’t, really, but it does. I always have something of his on me.” He swallowed hard. “It helps me get through the days.”
“I had no idea.”
“That’s why bonds are so rare, Dex. The risk is extraordinary.”
Hudson prepared his tea and took a sip. He motioned over to the living room, and Dex grabbed his latte. They sat down on the couch, and Dex took a sip of his coffee. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared about the whole thing. There was so much more to it than he could have imagined.
“But there’s the other side too,” Hudson said, a blush coming onto his cheeks. “Knowing that he will always be there to hold you, protect you, love you like no other. When he looks at you, he believes with all his heart that the sun’s light pales in comparison to your smile.”
“Seb would be here if you let him. It makes me wonder how he could stay away. How fiercely he loves you. I don’t get it.” Maybe Seb wasn’t physically hurting because he wasn’t the one marked, but he was still in pain. Everyone could see that.
“I left him no choice,” Hudson replied quietly.