“I get it.” Cael tried to straighten out the scarf around his neck while still holding on to his crutch. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Thank you for being so patient with me. I know I don’t deserve it.” Ash turned to face him and gently took hold of the scarf he’d given Cael earlier in the evening. It looked better on him anyway. The silver and dark grays brought out his eyes. Ash had fallen deep into those amazing silvery eyes from day one. “I’m sorry for pushing you away.” He paused, his hand coming to rest against Cael’s neck. His skin was warm and soft.
“It’s okay, Ash.” Cael leaned into Ash’s touch, a shy smile on his handsome face. “We’ll work it out.”
“Yeah.” Ash smiled when the cab appeared. He pulled away and opened the back door, then motioned for Cael to get in first, taking hold of his crutch for him. It was awkward with his leg, but Cael managed it, though Ash could have done without seeing Cael’s ass in the air when he opted for crawling across the seat. Lord, give me strength. He passed Cael his crutch and climbed in next to him, doing his best to ignore how Cael put the crutch beside the window so he could sit closer to Ash. As a large Therian, there typically wasn’t a whole lot of room for him in the back of these old New York cabs. His head touched the ceiling, so he had to slump a bit.
“So, what did you and my dad talk about?” Cael asked after giving the cab driver his address.
“You. He’s worried about you. About us.” He murmured the last part. Which was stupid. Like the cab driver gave a fuck. “He’s afraid I’ll hurt you, and he’s right to be.”
“Don’t worry about him. He won’t bug you,” Cael said. “He knows you.”
Ash wanted to point out that’s exactly why Maddock was worried, but he didn’t. Usually when they shared a cab, Ash would put his arm around Cael, and he hated that things felt different. He’d lived for those moments. The innocent touches that weren’t so innocent. They had become a sweet form of torture for him. Now that the possibility of more loomed on the horizon, he couldn’t shake his discomfort and self-consciousness. Their relationship had changed whether he liked it or not. They couldn’t go back to the way things were, but if they couldn’t move forward, where did it leave them?
Thankfully, the cab pulled up to Cael’s brownstone, where he occupied the top floor apartment. It was spacious yet cozy, with a playful style befitting its owner. Ash told the cab driver to wait as he helped Cael climb out. He walked Cael to the front steps, careful neither of them slipped on any ice. Cael opened the front door and turned with a shy smile.
“Do you want to come in? You could stay for dinner. We could hang out.”
“I would, but I need to sort out some insurance paperwork on my car. I want to get the new one before we’re called back in.” That had to be the most pathetic excuse in the history of excuses.
“Right. Sorry. Forgot about that.”
Cael bit his bottom lip and leaned into Ash, who took a step back.
“I need to go. I’ll call you later.”
The disappointment on Cael’s face hit Ash hard. Please don’t let this be the start of a disturbing trend. He hated disappointing Cael. He hated hurting him even more. This wasn’t how he wanted things to go at all, but no matter how much he told himself to man up, he backed off like a goddamn coward. Cael simply nodded his understanding.
“Have a good night, Ash.”
There was no sweet smile, no hug, only Cael closing the door while Ash remained on the other side staring at the scuffed wood like an idiot. He lifted his fist to knock, then stopped himself. With a shake of his head at his own absurdity, he turned and descended the steps to the sidewalk and the idle cab parked at the curb. The whole way home, he stared numbly at the passing scenery from the backseat. Maddock expected him and Sloane to spend the holidays with him and his family. It sounded less and less like a good idea. Last year they’d all had a great time, but things had been simpler for everyone then. Dex and Sloane hadn’t been dating. He’d had fun with Cael like he always did, with no confusing emotions to muddy up the waters of their friendship.
Dex and Sloane had finally reached a stable point in their relationship, even if his best friend had thrown him for a loop by stating he was moving in with Dex. Of course, that hadn’t surprised him as much as Sloane’s admission to having marked Dex. Sloane was a Therian, but Ash wondered if his best friend was aware of how serious a commitment he’d just made. Neither of them had much experience with a committed functional relationship until now. Ash was still trying to wrap his head around S
loane in love, much less being all domestic and shit. From what Ash gathered, Sloane actually liked it. He liked getting up before Dex and making them breakfast. They took turns cooking or ordered takeout, took turns washing the dishes and clearing up, even doing laundry. Did his friend enjoy it because it was what normal couples did? Because all their life they’d struggled with finding a little piece of normalcy in the chaos that spawned them? Ash cooked and did chores around the house, but he didn’t think of himself as domestic. He just liked taking care of his shit. Everything clean and in its place. But being told to take out the trash, wash the dishes, or pick up a gallon of milk on his way home? Ash didn’t like the sound of that. At least not until he thought of Cael, and then everything he thought he knew flew out the window.
I am so fucked.
Chapter 2
THE CAB pulled up outside Ash’s apartment building. He paid the driver and headed upstairs. His smartphone vibrated in his pocket and his heart skipped a beat when he saw it was from Cael. Jesus, what was happening to him? Cael texted him all the time, every day. Now he was going to feel like a damn virgin every time Cael texted him?
“Fuck this shit.” Ash shoved his phone into his pocket and went inside. He closed his apartment door behind him, removed his shoes, and hung his coat up on the rack by the door. It was good to be home, even if a part of him wished he’d taken Cael up on his offer. By now they would have been huddled close together on the couch with Cael rambling on excitedly about the latest gadget. Cael was the only one who could talk tech to Ash without him wanting to shoot something. He padded across the hardwood floors to the kitchen to wash his hands. They were still a little sticky from when he’d spilled the soda at Dekatria. The thought had him clenching his jaw. Damn it, the last thing he needed was to get caught up in his anger at what he’d learned from Maddock.
Fucking double-edged sword. He was glad he knew about Fuller, but he also hated it at the same time. There was nothing he could do with that information. He couldn’t kick Fuller’s ass. He couldn’t undo what had been done.
Ash walked to his couch and dropped down onto it, just staring at the ceiling. “Fuck.” Then he remembered Cael’s text and removed his phone from his pocket. He tapped the screen to open it and smiled like a dope. There was an image of two cute little green dinosaurs, one bigger than the other, and they were hugging, a little red heart above their heads.
Ash tossed his phone onto the couch cushion beside him and let his head fall back. Man, he was so screwed. He’d disappointed Cael. Again. They were supposed to be moving forward, not backward. Whose fault was that? His. As usual. His smartphone rang, and he considered not answering. The ringtone told him it was his partner. With a sigh, he scooped it up, tapped the screen, and held it to his ear.
“Yeah?”
“I’m coming over.”
“Now’s not a good time,” he muttered. The doorbell rang, and he closed his eyes. “You’re outside the door, aren’t you?”
“I am.”