“I get it. We’re all having a hard time. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to or hell, just someone to sit down and have a drink with you, I’m always going to be here.” Corentina pulls me into another hug, and I suck up all the comfort she’s trying to give me.
“I know. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.” I grab hold of her hand and give it a good squeeze, “I’m going to be okay, I swear it, but right now, I need to take off like a thousand gemstones, most of which have been glued to my tits for hours.
Corentina scrunches up her nose and stands from the chair, “Yeah, none of that sounds like a good time.”
I laugh and wave bye to her as she saunters out of the dressing room. Once the door closes, the smile I’d plastered on my face falls, and I stare at myself in the mirror. I thought I was doing such a good job. I thought I was fooling the world. It sucks to see that I’m not.
I grab the rest of my stuff and just throw on my clothes over my costume. I don’t have the patience today to get out of all this. I’ll do it when I get home. The drive home makes me feel like I’m in a bubble no sounds coming in or out. Barely any traffic. Nothing but me and my thoughts. My guilt and regrets.
As many times as I’ve tried to tell myself that I couldn’t have known what was going to happen to Tristan doesn’t stop me from feeling all the remorse.
As I pull into my parking space, I rush out of the car and up to my apartment. My chest is tight and there feels like there’s a rock in my throat. I’m about to lose it, and the last place I want to do that is out in the middle of the street where anyone could come and see me. I need to get behind closed doors where I can be alone.
Once the door to my apartment closes behind me, I waste no time tearing out of my clothes, costume and all, and snatching off the strips of gemstones on my breasts. The pain did nothing to distract me from the emotional turmoil brewing inside of me.
Once I get everything off, I hop into my shower and just turn the water on full blast. I don’t care that it’s scalding hot. I just want to wash this feeling away, but nothing I’ve been doing is working. I miss him so much.
“Tristan.”
The act of saying his name out loud releases the floodgates, and my body lets out a painful cry as I sink to the ground and release as many of my demons as I can. By the time I finish crying, the water has turned frigid, and my throat is raw from all the heaving cries and screaming.
I keep telling myself and everyone around me that I’ll get over this, but honestly, I don’t think I will.