CHAPTERTWELVE
TRISTAN
I’m glad that I went over to Poppy’s because I needed to see her, even though I didn’t realize that I needed to see her. I pour myself a bourbon and walk into the living room and plop down on the couch. I lean back in the soft cushions and relax, and for the first time in a while . . . I feel okay. My skin doesn’t feel as if ants are crawling all over it. I don’t know if I’ll ever heal from the hell I went through, but I will get there.
My doorbell rings, and I wonder who could be here because not many people know that I live here. I open the door, and Désirée and Olivia are standing on the doorstep.
“Well, are you going to invite us in?” Désirée asks snidely, hands planted on her hips.
Without answering my twin, I move out of the way and let them walk through the entryway. Once I get the door closed, sealing me in with two of my sisters, I’m able to lock down the emotions that seem to want to seep out.
“What are you two doing here?” I snap but instantly regret it as I see the hurt in their eyes as I look at them.
“I demand you speak to me.” Désirée snaps back, holding her head up high. “I’m your twin, and when you hurt, I hurt. I’ve felt like I’m missing a piece of my soul since I was told you were dead, but what hurts the most is you’re not letting me or anyone else help you. You’re our brother, Tristan. We love you. Let us love you and help you.” Tears run down Désirée’s nose as she tells me how she feels. “I mean do you have any clue what it was like to receive that message?”
My chest constricts with pain, and I pull her to me for a hug, she cries as I hold her, and tears threaten to fall from my own eyes, but I can’t cry in front of my sisters. Olivia joins us, hugging us both, and I realize that I’ve missed out on a lot by pushing them away. When Désirée calms down, I let go of her and Olivia.
“Let’s go sit down in the living room.” Out of anyone in the family, Désirée and Olivia would understand what I’m feeling. Désirée suffered at the hands of Dimitri, and Olivia had been raped because of Deanna’s sick games.
“Thanks for letting us check on you, Tristan,” Olivia states as she sits in the chair next to the couch. Désirée sits on the couch.
“Do you want something? I have wine or bourbon.”
“Wine,” they both say at the same time.
“You can’t have any?” I mutter, glancing down to Olivia’s rounded stomach.
“I can have a glass,” Olivia declares, rolling her eyes. “I think right now, I deserve one.”
“Okay. Half a glass.” I smile and walk into the kitchen, grabbing two glasses from the cabinet and grabbing a bottle of wine from the rack. Malbec is their favorite wine, so they should enjoy it. I walk back into the living room, and they are quietly talking to themselves and stop when they see me. I hand them their wine.
“So, will you talk to Felix or Remy?” Désirée asks.
“I’m not ready for that.” I take a sip of my drink. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Nor am I ready to go back to working at Diamond Dancers and handling my job for the family. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”
“I understand. Your life has completely changed. You have completely changed,” Désirée states.
“The women that work for us want to do that kind of work, but I can’t take part in that because I feel like I’m violating them. They are being used for sex . . . I know that’s not completely true, but my head is so fucked up right now, but my stomach churns when I think about going to work.”
“Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Something that will bring you closer to being happy again,” Olivia suggests.
“I know I have to live life and find a way to get through what happened to me, but I need help. Admitting that I need help makes me feel weak.”
“You’re not weak, Tristan!” Désirée shouts. “Jesus. You’re alive when we all thought you were dead. You had some fucked-up things happen to you, and you’re still alive. You’re far from weak.”
“How do you get through knowing that you were used, stripped of all dignity at the hands of someone? How do you get over that?”
“You don’t,” Olivia responds. “You have to decide if you’re going to let that person and what they did to you control you for the rest of your life, or you can take what happened to you and use it to help others. It’s easy to shut people out and live in our heads, but by talking about it and letting us in, you’re breaking the hold that he has on you. Dimitri thought he broke you . . . but he didn’t, Tristan. You’re going to be even stronger than ever when you’re ready to be.” She wipes the tears running down her face with the back of her hand.
“I appreciate you saying that. I really wish I could wrap my head around it . . . believe it.”
“You will, one day. Have you thought about going to therapy?” Désirée asks.
“And be judged? No thanks.”
“It’s a good idea, and there are counselors out there who have similar experiences as you . . . that’s why they do what they do.” Olivia shrugs.
“I’ll think about it. If I don’t feel any better, I’ll look into it.”