He does not realize how out of control touching her makes me feel, and how much it frightens me.
The large birds that fish the waters on the shore scatter as the two approach me. I throw a small pebble at the waves, then glance over at them. “Tell me you are fishing,” I say sourly. “If you are, I will go.”
“We came after you,” R’jaal replies, and sits down in the sand at my side. Juth takes up the other side of me, and I am neatly trapped between them. “We wished to talk.”
I clench my jaw. “About…?”
Juth just snorts. “You know what about. Do not play the fool.”
I glare at my brother. We have grown easier around each other over the last few years, but it still feels strange to see another with my father’s eyes and to hear that Juth resembles me. I wonder if D’see finds him handsome, and the thought makes me want to claw at Juth’s face in frustrated rage. I dig my fingers in the sands, because I do not know why I am like this.
It is unsettling. Perhaps I should leave the Icehome encampment and never return. Perhaps that is better for all.
R’jaal glances over at me. “Is there a reason why we stare at the waves here instead of back on the other beach?”
“I do not wish to be around the others,” I tell them. “I am thinking.”
“About?” Juth prompts.
As if they do not know. “I should leave her alone,” I say, because we all know of whom I speak. “And yet I find I cannot. It is too difficult to walk away and know it will be the last time. And yet that is wisest. No one gets hurt that way.”
“Are you resonating?” R’jaal asks.
I snort. “No. That would make things easier.”
“Why?”
The question makes me pause…because it is a very good question. “Because it is out of my hands at that point. The khui has decided.”
“That does not make the risk less great. It simply takes the responsibility from you.”
Is he right? Am I pushing D’see away because I will blame myself if something happens to her? If I live my life as a bitter shell because I have lost her? I do not want to live like that—the remote, aching sadness I recall from my mother’s eyes springs to mind—but I do not wish to go on as I am, either. It makes D’see sad and disappointed in me.
And I can deal with many, many things, but her disappointment tears at my spirit.
“I will tell you what I think,” R’jaal states in that somber way of his.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I did not wish for a lecture this day, and yet it seems I am to get one.
“I think you are making a mistake,” R’jaal continues. “You have a chance for happiness with D’see. You are pleasure-mates, yes? Why hold out for resonance when it becomes more clear over time that such things are not meant for all of us?” His tone is bleak and his gaze remote as he stares out at the endless waves. “I was so certain I would resonate and find my mate here upon this beach, and yet with every turn of the seasons, with still nothing for me, I grow weary of my empty furs. F’lor offered to ease my loneliness, you know.”
I do know. Everyone in the tribe knows. F’lor has made it quite clear that she approached R’jaal. “You refused her.”
He grunts, a small smile playing at his mouth. “I did. In my arrogance I thought my mate was surely just a day or two away. That any moment now, my khui would grow tired of waiting and then it would happen for me and I would be lonely no longer. Instead, more and more time passes and I regret that I pushed her away.” He sighs. “If I could choose a mate to resonate to, it would be her. She is happy, that one. She is full of life and does not dwell on sad things. She lives to make others smile. She is beautiful, and yet I pushed her away and now she wishes nothing to do with me.”
I say nothing.
R’jaal looks over at me. “I was a fool and pushed away the female I wanted because her chest was silent. It is a foolish thing to wait on, resonance. I have waited and waited, and for what? For the knowledge that when I claim a mate, it will be my forever mate? What if it does not happen until I am gray with age like V’za? What if it never happens? These thoughts do not keep my furs warm or fill my heart with joy.” He shakes his head. “V’za and Shail are happy without resonance. Can you not be the same?”