So I listen in, and I try to pay attention when he describes tracks to the kits. I try to see the difference in the toes of the track, how deep it is, drag marks, or even when to look for yellow snow. I do not complain as he drags the kits through the snowy hills, because the kits are able to keep up, so I should be able to.
And when the children fuss and want to stop to play, I help keep them on track with that, too.
It’s not easy, of course. I’m tired and sweaty, and my feet crunch on the snow louder than anyone else’s, earning me a few scowls from Bek. I fall behind because I’m heavier than the kits and have to slog through the snow. I accidentally step on tracks twice, messing them up. Every time I stumble, the children giggle and I feel more foolish than before.
At the end of the day, I am exhausted. We return to camp without a bit of food and the day feels like a waste. I am positive I cannot pick out a single track in the snow. But Bek gives me a pat on the back and tells me I did a good job, and it’s enough to keep me going. The next morning, I return bright and early, this time with a spear. My boots are double-knotted, and I help Katamneas with his.
And this time when we head into the valley, I am ready.
CHAPTER 22
O’JEK
I keep waiting for the ache of missing D’see to go away. It has been two handfuls of days, and I feel as dead inside now as I did when I first left her. Every time I close my eyes, I see her tearful face, the despair there. At night, I dream of her, of her scent and the soft warmth of her body. Of the way her teats jiggled when I pumped into her, and the noises she made…and when I wake up and find I am in the furs alone, it fills me with bitter frustration.
A’tam is my companion on the dvisti hunt, and even though he is my brother, he wears on my nerves. I skin another dvisti in the blood-churned snow, separating the hide from the flesh with careful cuts of my knife. “You should have seen him in my boots,” A’tam chuckles, shouting at me over the wind. “A’bri gave me such a fierce look and tried to grab my spear. I said where are you going? And he said, “I am going to hunt with you, Papa.”
I roll my eyes at my kill. I have heard this story thrice now and I grow more tired of it each time. It is not jealousy, I tell myself. I am happy that A’tam has a mate that adores him and a son that makes his eyes bright with delight. It is not that I am envious he has everything I want and yet is still out here with me like the rock-skull he is, talking my ears off.
“I think he will be a fine hunter, do you not?” A’tam calls out as he finishes skinning his dvisti and rolls up the bloodied hide. “He has good instincts, and I suspect he will get my nose. And we all know my nose is the best in Shadow Cat. Probably the best in the combined tribe.”
He seems to be waiting for an answer from me, so I manage a reply. “Mmm.”
“I thought he would look more like Br’chit. When he was first born, he had her soft mane and the same color eyes as her. But with his khui? He is my son. And all that wispy mane fell out and now he looks just like me. Lucky kit. He will be the handsomest of all.” A’tam chuckles to himself. “When he is old enough, I will take him over to Croatoan and let him impress all the young females there.”
“Mmm.”
“Are you even listening?”
“A’bri. Females. Croatoan,” I repeat, but my focus is on D’see. On the way her lips parted as I surged into her. If we had resonated, I would have given her my child, I realize. Would it have her yellow mane and full lips? Or would it have my long nose and dark mane? A daughter would be unfortunate if she looked like me…
A daughter…I imagine a little girl, with D’see’s bright mane and her beautiful smile, and my chest hurts with longing.
We dress our kills and then tie them to the travois. It is now heavy enough with frozen carcasses that we will have to work together to haul it behind us. The nearest cache is at least a day away, as we have come far up in the mountains. Yesterday, it did not seem like such a bad idea—I am in no hurry to return to the tribe and to D’see’s hurt eyes—but today it is a heavy burden. It was a good hunt, but now we must take this hunt closer to our normal territory or it is a waste of meat. No one will come this far in the brutal season for food.