But itwasn’t happening.I still had no idea how I was supposed to do it. Nua didn’t tell methat. Telling me over and over again to shed my mortal skin wasn’t going to magically make me figure out how. And I would lose my mind if I just stayed hidden away here, on the edge of unseelie land all alone. Was Nua telling me I couldn’t even go to the village tobuythings? Make my life a little more comfortable? Try and findsomehappiness in this situation I had been forced into?
I didn’t even know if I could trust Nua, any more than I could trust anyone else. I had no idea whathewas gaining from leaving me these notes and telling me to shed my mortal skin. He was Folk, just like the rest of them. The Folk were selfish and conniving. They didn’t do things out of the kindness of their hearts—especially not the unseelie, and I had no idea what Nua was. I was fairly certain that all the Folk who had visited me as a child had been unseelie, which meant he likely was too, even if he didn’t live on the Carlin’s land. Odran didn’t either, and I knew he was unseelie.
The constant, gnawing knowledge that I couldn’t trust anyone was becoming unbearable. Nua had told me not to trust the cat and the wolf, but they asked nothing of me except companionship. It would gut me if they stopped visiting. If I was really, truly alone here.
Caom was my friend, but I didn’t trust him. I still remembered how he’d acted when I’d woken up in the cart after being taken. All he’d been concerned about was trying to fuck me, even though I’d been terrified and confused and had just been fuckingpoisoned andkidnapped. He was nice to me now, and he didn’t try it on with me, but I knew he was as selfish as the rest of them.
I remembered Lonan’s words that night after the game of favours. That Caom was only my friend because he hoped I’d eventually sleep with him. For some reason, I believed him, even if he had been saying it to try and make me feel small and powerless. To try and wear me down, reminding me that I was utterly alone.
A knock at the door round the front of the cottage made me jump, jerking me out of my melancholy thoughts. The cat lifted his head and gave me a look, then got up and stretched languidly before nimbly jumping through the open window to the kitchen.
“Ash?” Caom’s voice rang out as he knocked again. “Are you home?”
I gathered up my book and went round to meet him. He beamed when he spotted me, looking friendly and happy to see me. I wished I could trust him, just so I had someone here I could talk to who could actually talk back. But I didn’t.
“Been reading in the sun? That’s lovely.” He held up the basket. “I brought treats.”
“Great.” It still felt rude to never thank anyone, but the urge to say it was lessening. “Come in.”
As he wandered into the kitchen with his basket, I quickly put the book and my notebook in my nightstand so he wouldn’t go nosing through it. The cat usually hid under the bed when he was here, but I didn’t bend down to look just in case Caom peered in and asked what I was doing. When I joined him, he was at the kitchen table, pulling the cloth off his basket and revealing the honey cakes he’d brought.
I forced myself to smile, even though I didn’t really like them. They were too sweet.Allfae food was too sweet. The wine, the cakes. Even the fruit tasted sweeter here, like it was almost at the point of rotting even when it was freshly picked.
“Do you want some tea?” I asked, going to ladle myself a mug to try and chase off the sweetness from the honey cake I knew was to come.
“Is it that aniseed one?” Caom wrinkled his nose. “No.”
I joined him at the table with my mug, taking a sip as I sat down before picking up a cake and nibbling at it to be polite.
“Youstillhaven’t cashed in your favour from the prince,” Caom said, peering at the flash of the tiny feather under my shirt as he took a huge bite of his own cake.
The mention of Lonan brought a flush to my cheeks, memories of his hot mouth and hungry eyes and desperate tongue crowding my brain.
“No, not yet. So what are you up to today?” I said quickly. “I guess you’re not working.”
“Not today. Did you want to go for a walk? Or into the village?”
“Let’s go into the village.” I said it too fast, and took another bite of cake to try and stop my face from heating.
I felt entirely obvious, even though Caom knew nothing. But Lonan wasn’t showing up here anymore, though it wasn’t like he’d come here often before. It felt like he was closer in the village, because I knew he still had to be watching me for his mother. I never saw him, though. He stayed out of sight, but sometimes I felt his eyes on me.
“I need to buy a few things,” I said to give a reason for wanting to go. And I actually did—more ink, though I wasn’t going to tell Caom that, because then he’d ask what I’d been writing.
“Alright.” He beamed at me. “I’m so glad you’re coming into the village more, Ash. Mingling among us Folk. I really think you’ll shed your mortal skin soon.”
But then he eyed me closer, brows pinching briefly together. “Doyouthink you will? Does it feel like you’re close?”
I just shrugged uncomfortably, not wanting to admit failure. Not wanting to admit that I didn’t feel like I ever would, because I worried constantly about what would happen to me if I didn’t. What the Carlin would do. I also worried constantly about what would happen to me if Idid, and what she would do to me then.
“Shall we go?” I drained the last of my tea and stood up, leaving most of my honey cake untouched.
Caom nodded, stuffing the last of his into his mouth before rising from the table.
“So what do you want to buy today?” he asked as we set off from the cottage.
I’d left the fire burning low in the living room so there’d be some light when I got back. It was late afternoon, the ghost of the moon a blurry crescent in the marbled purple sky.
“Some fruit and veg. More of that tea you hate.” I gave him a nudge with my elbow.