Chapter Twenty-One
I didn’t see Lonan for weeks after that.
I knew he still had to be watching me for his mother, but he didn’t appear at the cottage with any messages or show up when I went into the village—which I was doing far more often.
I admitted only to myself that I was going there in the hope that he would offer to walk me home again. That we would… I didn’t even really know what I wanted. I still didn’t know if I trusted him at all.
What had he done to prove I could? Suck my cock? He didn’t need to be trustworthy to suck my cock. Doing it could have just been another way to manipulate me, even though it… hadn’t felt like it.
It had felt like he wasdesperateto do it. Like getting his mouth and hands on me had been the only thing he’d wanted in that moment. Like the desire was something he’d been bottling up inside him and it had been straining to burst free. Like the moment he kissed me, he’d been helpless to stop.
The dichotomy of him was so frustrating. The cold, aloof unseelie prince who acted like he couldn’t stand to be around me, and the needy, trembling creature who had dropped to his knees and practicallyworshippedmy body.
He’d come, just from sucking me off, without even touching himself. I’d enjoyed myself at uni and had a fair few casual partners, but that hadn’t happened withanyof them. No one had ever wanted methatmuch.
Did Lonan… want me that much?
It felt too unbelievable.
I twisted the tiny feather pendant at the hollow of my throat as I gazed unseeing at the book in my lap. I was sitting at the back of the cottage, close to the herb garden so I could breathe in their fragrant scents mingling in the air.
The cat was curled up beside me, napping in a patch of weak afternoon sun. He still came most days, and the wolf still came every night. The blackbird appeared every morning, spying on me for the Carlin, never staying for long before it flew off back towards the court.
I wondered if it told her that I was clearly obsessed with potioncraft. I’d read and reread several of Briordan’s books on the subject, carefully copying down the recipes I was interested in trying into my notebook.
I was nervous, but finally felt ready to try a potion. I had one picked out—one that seemed harmless. It was from theBeginner brewssection of theNovice Drachmsmithbook, and didn’t require me to ingest anything, which was a plus in my opinion. I didn’t particularly want to be my own guinea pig.
Blend to stimulate rapid plant growth for ingredients needed in a hurry.It didn’t tell me much other than that, but I planned on watering half of my fragile little plants with the potion to see if it worked. At least I’d still have half of them left if it didn’t and I ended up killing them all. If that happened, I’d buy more seeds. I’d try again. I was determined to do this.
As I’d been going into the village more, I’d carefully studied the prices and values of things for sale and quickly realised that the bag of coins Lonan had given me contained a huge sum of money. More than I could ever spend on the things I wanted to buy, which wasn’t much. I bought more of the aniseed tea when it was running low. Fresh fruit and vegetables. Soap and oil to drip into my bath, so my skin didn’t get too dry.
The most expensive thing I’d spotted was a big, unwieldy tome ofAdvanced Drachmsmith Recipesin the bookshop in the village. It had a blood red cover with copper trim, and tiny stones inlaid in the corners.
I stared at it every time I went past the bookshop, something pulling at my gut and urging me to go in and buy it. I had the money. More than enough, even though it was hideously expensive.
But I never did. Maybe I was as thin-skinned as Lonan had sneered at me for being that night after the game of favours, because fear of being laughed at for being the stupid mortal who was playing pretend with fae magic was what stopped me from buying the book.
The last time I’d visited the bookshop, I’d bought a cookery book instead. I wanted to try making my own tea blends and it had a section on those. I also really wanted to try making bread—something I hadn’t done since I’d messily helped Mags knead dough when I was little. I could still remember the faint scent of lavender and garlic and yeast that had clung to her apron as she stood behind me, her fingers overlapping my small ones as she showed me how to do it.
The pain of losing them was still there. Still unbearable when I thought about them for too long. A few nights when I’d felt unbearably lonely and worn down, I’d cried as I sat beside the wolf. He always tried to comfort me, licking away my tears, rubbing his snout into my throat. It helped.
The scab on my neck from the Carlin’s fingernail was obviously long gone, but that tiny patch of skin still felt cold. Like she’d slipped a miniscule ice cube that never melted into the cut when she’d made it, and it was sitting there under my skin like a tracker. Like I was a pet dog she had microchipped so she could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t wander off.
I needed to work up the courage to buy thatAdvanced Drachmsmithbook. I knew I did. There could have been something in there that would help me get rid of whatever the Carlin had done when she’d cut me. Whatever was keeping me here, stopping me from going into the forest.
I’d had only one other note from Nua in the weeks that had passed since mine and Lonan’s furtive encounter in the dark. It was stuffed under my mattress with the others.
Ash,
Stop going into the village. It’s not safe. You must shed your mortal skin, but you must do it here, away from their eyes. The prince watches you, waiting to see if it will happen. Stay away from them all. Keep to yourself.
Stay in the cottage. Shed your mortal skin. Come into the forest. We will be waiting.
N
It had just made me angry. I was finally settling here, the crushing loneliness and ache of grief lessening. I was finally feeling a little more in control, a little less scared of the Folk, and I was being told I couldn’t? I was supposed to just sit in the cottage and wait for my mortal skin to shed alone?
I understood why he was saying it. I didn’t know why the Carlin wanted me to shed my mortal skin, and if it happened when I was in the village, nearer to her, it would be more dangerous. If I did it here, away from Folk eyes, I would have a chance to get away.