Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lonan didn’t show up that night. Not as himself or as the wolf.
I’d forgotten to tell him about the potion, getting thoroughly distracted when we hurriedly tore each other’s clothes off and fucked on the sofa.
He’d been frenzied, urgency rolling through his trembling frame. Even after we were finished, he’d dragged me to bed and kissed his way over my entire body, taking me into his mouth with a ragged moan when my cock had stiffened again. His hands and tongue and mouth had been everywhere, like he was trying to gorge himself on me.
After he left in the late afternoon, I took a bath and got dressed, then made myself a cup of coffee and a proper dinner. I wanted to be as clearheaded as possible when I attempted the potion that night, so I forced myself to take a nap after eating, my body pleasantly tired from Lonan’s feverish attention.
It was dark when I woke up, and I was jittery with nerves as I swapped my shorts for leathers, then pulled on a shirt and my coat. I put on thick socks and stuffed my feet into my boots, then heaved the pewter cauldron outside. I didn’t know if the potion required me to do it actuallyunderthe new moon, outside, and I wasn’t taking any chances.
I cleared a space in the snow and built a fire. After it was crackling and casting blue-white seelie firelight over the white ground, I went back inside to carefully place all the ingredients in a basket along with my notebook, my dagger, the candle Lonan had given me, some muslin cloth and an empty, clean jar.
I was so nervous. Despite the cold, my palm was damp where it clutched the basket handle as I carried it outside. I was already shivering, but I didn’t put on my gloves. I needed to be precise with the measurements, and the thick leather would just make my fingers clumsy.
Kneeling in the snow, I glanced around at the still night, wanting more than anything to see Lonan prowling towards me as a big black wolf. Even though I knew it was actually him, it was the wolf’s calming presence I wanted with me while I did this.
But everything was quiet and unmoving. The forest loomed at my back, the living wall that kept me trapped on the Carlin’s land.
After setting the cauldron carefully on the fire, I lit the candle and started adding the ingredients.Fingerpinch of saffron. Half cup of hair from a bansith. The left fang of a male wulver. Blackened moss. A scrap from a powrie’s soaked cap.
I said a silent thank you to Briordan for having such weird ingredients in his collection as I dropped each one into the cauldron. I poured in a cup of water,then picked up my dagger, pricking my finger with the very tip so a fat bead of blood welled.
The mixture hissed when my blood hit it, already simmering softly at the edges. I had to bring it to a boil and then remove it from the heat, strain it and let it strengthen for a day. Soon I was carefully ladling the watery mixture into my jar, one small spoonful at a time to give the liquid a chance to seep through the muslin cloth stretched over the lid.
I carefully screwed the lid on and put it in my basket with everything else, taking that in first so I could put the jar on my bedside, where I knew it was safe. Then I kicked snow over the fire and heaved the cauldron back inside, my hands wrapped in thick cloth to protect them from the hot metal.
I didn’t feel any of the excitement I’d expected to as I took off my coat and boots, standing in front of the fire to warm up before I went to bed. I’d been expecting Lonan to show up as the wolf, even though I’d forgotten to tell him I was doing this. The wolfalwaysshowed up. Every night.
Why had he not, tonight, after telling me it was really him? Was he embarrassed?
Feeling uneasy, I went to the door and opened it, shivering as the freezing air snuck under my shirt. I took a step outside without thinking, jerking when my socked feet sank into snow. Trying to ignore the cold, I quickly peered around, hoping to see Lonan’s sleek but huge wolf form bounding towards me through the snow.
Nothing. I sighed and tried not to mope about it. He’d only left here a few hours ago. Maybe he was asleep. Maybe hewasembarrassed. I would make sure to tell him tomorrow that I’d meant it—I really did want him to keep coming as the wolf and the cat. I loved them both. They were a part of him—that made me love them even more, now that I knew.
Turning round, I didn’t hear the faint crunch of a footstep in the snow until it was too late.
Something hard smashed into the back of my head, and I felt my eyes drift as black spots teemed in my vision before I was pitching forwards. Just before I faded into unconsciousness, I felt icy cold fingers grip my ankle hard, like I had all those months ago.