When I mention the girls, he doesn’t hesitate, he nods then darts from the room. I reach into the shower, turning the showerhead to hot, and wait for it to heat up.
A minute passes while I’m waiting for the water to warm, and Graham hasn’t returned, so I call for him.
“Graham?”
No response.
Okay…. I grab his t-shirt from this morning off the floor and pull it on, and walk into the living room in search of him. I find him on the couch, his phone to his ear and his head in his hands.
He doesn’t look up when I enter.
“What do you mean Allie? How did this happen? Fuck,” he yells, startling me.
I walk over and sit next to him on the couch, and only then does he look at me. His face terrifies me.
He’s crying. Fat tears trail down his cheeks.
“Graham, what’s wrong?”
He shakes his head, over and over. “I’ll be there soon. Just… Just wait for me. Tell her I’m coming.”
Faintly, I hear Allie speaking, and then Graham drops the phone into his lap and buries his head in his hands. I reach out and rub his shoulders, scared to press for information, but also alarmed by his reaction to this phone call.
Whatever it is, it’s not good. In fact, it’s horrible. A thousand scenarios run through my head in seconds.
His shoulders shake as a rough sob rips from his body. I try to hold him, desperate to feel the connection of our skin, to know what’s wrong.
When he looks up, his eyes are red-rimmed and full of tears.
“My mom… she has cancer, Em.”
Of everything I feared in this moment, the words that tumble from his lips are not at all what I expected. It’s worse.
“Oh God, Graham,” I say, my lip trembling as a sob breaks free. “No, we just saw her, she was fine, everything was fine.”
“She has stage four breast cancer. She’s been keeping it from me because of the girls. She didn’t want to take away from them. Fuck, Em, I can’t lose her. I can’t lose my ma, what do I do?”
I crawl into his lap, both of us breathing heavy, sadness wrapping its tendrils around us as we cling to each other. That’s all that we can do. I don't have the words to fix this, or to make it better, so I just wrap my arms around his neck, and together, we cry. My big, strong, hulking man sobs while I hold him, and together, we mourn the unexpected news about his mom. He’s gripping my shirt roughly in his hands, his big wide shoulders shaking as he sobs. I rub along his back, trying desperately to ease the burden on his shoulders, but I feel helpless.
The strangled sobs that leave his lips break my heart, shatter it into tiny irreparable pieces.
It hurts.
God, it hurts so much. I’m overwhelmed with fear, pain, and uncertainty. Knowing the best woman in the world is going through this.
“Em, what do I do?” he asks. He looks so lost, so broken, it kills me. His eyes are red rimmed and puffy, fresh tears scattered along his cheeks. I can see the anguish in his eyes. It makes my heart physically hurt inside the cage of my chest.
“I don’t know, baby. What else did Allie say?” I run my fingers along the stubble on his jaw, and over the furrow in his brow, swiping away the tears along his cheeks. I bring my lips to them, and kiss them away. I hate this.
I hate seeing him so vulnerable. I hate seeing the fear in his eyes.
“She said that Ma’s decided to start chemo, and that she doesn’t even know Allie told me. Allie said she couldn’t keep it from me any longer, whether it was for my own good or not. Ma has this idea in her head that she can go through all of this without even telling me, Em. How could she not tell me?”
“Oh, Graham, baby, this is what mamas do. They protect their babies, at all costs, and no matter how old you get, or where you go in the world, you’ll always be her baby.”
Another sob tears through him, a broken-hearted cry. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him against my chest. We sit like that for so long that I lose track of time. The sun fades outside into inky darkness, the moonlight casting a shadow around us, lighting the way.
We somehow ended up sprawled on the couch with me on top of Graham, resting my head on his chest, listening to the steady measure of his heartbeat. A rhythmic drumming that brings me more comfort than I ever knew possible.