“You think her behavior was beyond her control?”
“No. But it was her way of coping with baggage and avoiding commitment. She was trying to fill a black hole of need for reassurance that she was desirable and worthy of love.”
Marie sent him a sympathetic look that stopped short of pity. “It sounds as if you have a good handle on the dynamic.
How long did you date her?”
He gritted his teeth. “Nearly a year.”
“Was she dating other men that whole time?” Marie asked the question as if she wanted to know what was available for lunch, while he was using all forces at his disposal not to writhe too obviously.
“I knew of one at the beginning. One at the end. I strongly suspect there were others. Flirtations certainly.”
Marie pressed her lips together and let the silence settle for several seconds. Letting him relax? Building more tension?
“Did you think that by staying with her you could save her, Justin? Fix her?”
There it was, the sucker punch. He hated being dragged 52
through this Dr. Phil torture. “I hoped…that what we had would be enough, yeah.”
Marie let more time go by. Which probably meant he had another killer question to look forward to. He relaxed his diaphragm, made sure his hands stayed open.
“Do you think there was something you could have done differently that would have affected the relationship’s out-come?”
Boom. Marie knew her stuff. He felt like squirming in his chair, the schoolboy asked the tough question in front of the class, wanting to avoid answering at all costs. But he’d come this far; he had to fight on to the payoff—when he was matched up with Candy…or not.
He forced himself to consider her question seriously, to think back carefully through a jumble of hot nights, cold mornings, laughter, heartache, jealousy, passion…
“No.” He laced his fingers together, resting his forearms on his thighs, not sure his current relief was from coming up with an answer, or from finding a truth that freed something inside him. “No, I don’t think anything I could have done would have made us right for each other.”
“It doesn’t sound as if she was willing to stop and look at her behavior.”
“It was all she knew how to be.” He tried to grin, but his voice cracked, and only half his mouth seemed able to function. He’d spent months brooding over this relationship, and in ten minutes Marie had gotten to the essence of why he was right to leave it behind.
“Looking forward now.” Her voice was gentle. “You are searching for someone who knows herself.”
“Yes.”
“Someone who wants a serious relationship?”
“Not necessarily.” Justin rubbed his forehead. He’d never been this rattled in an undercover situation. He’d met with bank vice presidents, calmly requesting loans with collateral he didn’t have. He’d visited hospitals and funeral homes, pretending to be a grieving relative. He’d shadowed people, staked out homes and businesses, eavesdropped on conversations, rifled through private filing cabinets—all with more poise and cool than he was able to summon talking about women.
“I mean I’m not looking to get married…”
“Why not?” The question was sincere, not challenging.
“Well, not soon.”
“Even if you meet the right person?”
“Uh…yeah, if she’s the right person. I guess.” He wanted either to laugh or bellow in frustration. He’d lost track of which were honest answers and which he’d decided to give when planning this meeting. “I’m not against getting married in the big picture. It’s just not on my radar right now.”
Marie made a note. “So you’re looking to meet someone, with the possibility of marriage down the road.”
“Yeah. Sure. If it seems right.” Marriage? He’d come in looking for a piece of Candy and was being offered a whole cake.
“What would she be like, this person?”
Finally. Solid ground. He’d prepared for this. “Someone honest. No head games.”
“Is appearance important to you?”
“Some. But it’s what’s inside that really counts, right?” He wanted to cringe at his Boy Scout sweetness.