Taylor sure did give her statement and high-tail it out of there without glancing in my direction a single other time. She is well and truly done with me. And I just keep seeing flashes of her. Everywhere. They play out on the wall in front of me. Taylor licking her ice cream cone. Running beside me in the rain. Covered in moonlight on the beach. Dappled in a mixture of sunlight and shadows in the cave.
“Oh fuck.” I manage to stand up and cross the room, feet numb, the heel of my hand rubbing at the center of my chest where an apparent eruption is happening. This woman, this woman who is in my head and under my skin, and might as well face it, buying up real estate in my heart, is done with me. I behaved like an asshole. Not just today, but most of the time I’ve known her. I’m not even sure why she tolerated me as long as she did.
She’s going to find someone she doesn’t have to simply tolerate.
She’s going to find a man she likes. Who treats her like a princess.
Who gives her children.
“Shit.” I drop back down on the bed, folding forward to wedge my head in between my legs. Breathing in and out through my nose. “Shit, shit, shit.”
Taylor is going to have babies with someone else.
Oh my God.
When did my skin turn into fire?
Before I register my own movements, I have my phone in my hands. I start to call Taylor. I need to hear her voice, but I’m pretty sure I’ll drop dead from the pain of her sending me to voicemail. And what would I say, anyway? Earlier today, I was ready to leap without looking. A relationship with Taylor would be nothing like my first marriage, because I’m too…present with her. The way I feel about her? It doesn’t come close to anything I’ve experienced before. Or even knew was possible. But I don’t have any stability to offer her. Would I be holding her back from the happiness she might find elsewhere? Jesus, I can’t do that.
I need more. She deserves more. Where do I even start?
I scroll to my brother’s number and hit send, holding the device to my ear in an unsteady grip. “Are you calling me on purpose or is this an unfortunate butt dial?”
It has been so long since I heard Kevin’s voice, that it takes me a moment to respond. The sound of it is like walking into a wind tunnel of memories. “I’m calling you on purpose.”
“Oh yeah? Well, fuck you.”
“Fuck you, too.” The noise in the background tells me he’s in a crowd. A man’s voice booms over a loudspeaker, someone shouts for a beer. “Where are you?”
“Me? Where am I?” The crowd makes a collectively disappointed sigh. “You don’t get to ask me that when your ass has been God knows where for three years.”
“You have your whole life to be a prick, Kev. Don’t waste it all on one phone call.”
The breath he lets out sounds like steam escaping. A moment passes. “Are you in trouble or something?”
My haggard appearance reflects back at me from the mirror above the dresser. “In a manner of speaking, yeah.”
“Spit it out, Myles. I’m not a mind reader.”
“You know what?” I pull the phone away from my ear, ready to end the call. “Forget it.”
“No!” He clears his throat. “No…hold up. I’m listening. You called me in the middle of the Sox game. What did you expect?”
Nostalgia settles over me. The smell of hot dogs and beer. Blocking the summer sun with my hand so I can see the field. Kevin smacking me in the shoulder after a big play. I miss those afternoons with my brother. I don’t think I realized how much until I watched Taylor with Jude. “You’re at the game?”
He sniffs. “Of course I am. You think I gave up our season tickets just because you’re not around to chip in anymore?”
“Damn.” I let out a low whistle. “I guess I owe you some cash.”
“Come home and we’ll call it even.”
The crowd cheers, the announcer’s excited voice narrating a player’s journey to the batter’s box. Going back to Boston has been out of the question for three years, but right now…it feels possible. Everything seems possible after watching Taylor burn rubber and skid sideways in front of the mayor’s car like a stunt driver. After having that incredible woman run to me, let me hold her, nothing in this world seems impossible.
I’m not going to disintegrate walking into my brother’s or parents’ home. They want me there, despite this failure I’m carrying around my neck like an albatross. Seeing Taylor with Jude made me think of my own family throughout the week. What I’m missing. How they would act on a snorkeling trip. Probably ridiculing the size of my feet. Or my parents and I would gang up on Kevin, claiming to have seen a shark. The typical asshole behavior I grew up with and shaped me and it’s not perfect, but it’s ours.