“I guess it is.” He wiped it carefully off her cheek and kissed her, kissed her again, sweetly, reverently. Her heart was breaking. She was surprised not to hear it cracking in her chest.
“When do you head out to sea again?”
“Thursday. I’m taking a group out of Lahaina Harbor on a three-island tour.”
Addie nodded. She’d be going to the office. Sitting at her usual desk, interacting with her usual colleagues, going home to her usual apartment.
It was what she wanted. What she needed. It was her chosen life.
“After that?”
He frowned, thinking. “After that a fishing trip. Then a birthday cruise.”
She’d still be going to the office.
But maybe by then she’d have enrolled in a class, met new people, broadened her horizons, interests and skills. Not the same in-a-rut-Addie, but not trying to be her polar opposite, either. Something in between. Something she could handle without losing her mind.
She lay in Derek’s arms, head on his chest, legs tangled with his, thinking she’d never felt so blissfully relaxed with anyone. But if she’d discovered this now with him, it must mean she could do so again, right? Derek wasn’t the only man she could find happiness with. And because he was so wonderful, he’d raised the bar for her. She wouldn’t settle for ho-hum relationships again. That was another check in the plus column. Silver linings. After the worst of the pain subsided, she’d find more of them. She was certain.
Eventually she dozed, woke to find Derek stroking her awake, drowsy at first, then, wow, um...very, very awake.
“Addie,” he whispered. “Wake up.”
“I’m up. It’s not morning.”
“No. But I’m thinking since we might not be able to make love again, at least for a while...”
“Ah. Good thinking, Captain Bates.” She rolled him onto his back and straddled him, holding his arms to the mattress, the way he’d imprisoned her earlier. “I agree with you. We’ll make this a good time.”
“A night to remember.”
“Uh.” Addie frowned. “Isn’t that the name of the book about the Titanic disaster?”
“Could be.”
“I’m not sure that’s appropriate for what we’re planning.”
“Sure it is.” He struggled up and flipped her over, making a mockery of her physical dominance. “How about this. ‘As captain of the ship, it is my duty to go down.’”
Addie burst into laughter, loving that he could make her smile, even through this dense cloud of misery. Her laughter cut off in a gasp as his mouth found her between her legs.
Fear entered her heart at the same time pleasure spread through her body. Yes, Derek had raised that bar.
But what if he’d raised it to a height only he could ever attain?
16
THE SOUND OF the ocean woke Addie. She was back in Derek’s arms, listening to waves tumble over rocks on the shore outside their window. A seagull laughed nearby.
Addie’s eyes shot open. Registered the familiar white ceiling.
“Alarm off.”
The ocean was not outside her window. Derek was on the other side of the world. There were birds calling, but they were pigeons on the roof of the Russian Orthodox Church opposite her apartment building, making that deep gurgle noise in their throats, as if they were forever using mouthwash. She missed the wild free call of gulls, eagles and osprey, the thrush and other songbirds. She missed the ocean and its wonderful smells. She missed Derek something fierce.
Leaving him three days earlier had been one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. Addie preferred relationships neatly wrapped up when they ended, with literal or figurative notes of apology, regret, thanks or sympathy dutifully composed if not sent. This was a mess of loose ends, full of doubts and what-ifs. And yet, she’d stayed true to herself by deciding to come home to New York. She’d done the right thing for herself and, ultimately, for Derek.
Eventually this ten-ton spiked weight she was carrying around in her heart would dissolve into the satisfaction of exactly that understanding.
She bloody well hoped.
“Time.”
“Six fifty-five,” Tick replied.
Six fifty-five. The latest she’d figured she could get up without having to rush any of her morning.