He didn’t stop me though, seemed to sense that I needed to do this. That I needed to work off some of my frustration.
How long I paced, I wasn’t sure. I just did it. Just carried on because damn, I needed to. I was mad. Infuriated. So fucking outraged that only by discovering Lena’s perfidy had the truth been revealed to me.
“Did you love Fiona?”
Aidan snorted. “No.” He drummed his fingers on the desk. “She was a good girl though. Didn’t deserve that cunt of a husband. I thought he was a good man, thought he’d do right by you both. I was wrong. That’s the only reason I let her live.”
That had me braking to a halt. “Huh?”
Aidan tilted his head to the side. “You think I’d have let her live after what he did to you? After what she let happen?”
Everything inside me froze. It twisted, morphed, until I remembered being in this office twenty fucking years ago, admitting to what had been done to me. Why I’d had to run, why I refused to go back.
The memories staggered me and I was too old to be so weak, so fragile where this was concerned.
Either Aidan didn’t notice, or he wanted to carry on regardless because he said, “I let her live but I made her suffer. I made sure no one knew about where you were. It helped that you weren’t on the streets long,” he admitted. “I wanted you in the back offices, anyway. That brain of yours, just like Conor’s. Didn’t want it wasted on the streets. Just had to get your hands wet enough for you to be respected by the rest of the Points. You did your duty, then I got you away from that shit.
“Everyone knew that I’d slit their throats if they spoke a word about you.”
I gaped at him. “How the fuck did you do that? We’re talking thousands of wagging tongues!”
“You said it yourself—I’m a crazy motherfucker. People knew not to mess with me back then. Apparently, I’ve grown soft if the Colombians thought they could come onto my turf and…”
I held up a hand. “Everyone knows you’re insane, Aidan. I wouldn’t worry that opinion has changed on that score. It’s more like they know we’re morphing into different ventures, and that leaves gaps. We know now where we need to focus, and we will. The Colombians saved us, really. At least now we know where to plug the holes.”
Aidan shrugged. “I guess. Fucking waste though.” And I knew he was thinking of the girls who’d been killed and tortured as the Colombians pissed on our turf.
“Yeah. A damn waste.”
“I helped their families, but it’s never enough. More guilt on my shoulders,” he murmured, tipping back his head to rest it against his chair.
I’d never seen Aidan like this, and if I was being honest, I didn’t like it. Aidan was never introspective. It just wasn’t how he rolled.
“I handled Gerry personally,” he said out of the blue, almost like I was Doyle and he was in the confessional. “Enjoyed it too. Took me five years before I could atone, so I understand more than you think about that. Sometimes, it’s hard to repent for shit you wanted to do.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why are you telling me this? Are you sick again?”
“No,” he said with a snort. “I don’t always have to be at death’s door to be telling you this shit. It’s shit you should have known a while back. I’m just making up for lost time, and also, I want you to—” He blew out a breath. “I don’t want forgiveness because I don’t deserve it but I want you to look at me like you did before.”
“Look, Aidan—”
He held up a hand. “Not just me, but Lena too.”
“How can I? I’m a dirty fucking secret,” I snarled.
“You were never a dirty secret, Finn.” Lena’s soft voice startled me—she never entered Aidan’s office. Not without knocking first.
“Wasn’t I?” I snapped, turning around to glower at her. “You went on a fucking rampage because of Aidan’s secrets, and that means I’m going to have to lie to my wife for the rest of my life.”
She flinched but took a step into the office. “That’s on me, not you. I wish I could go back, Finn. I do. I wish, every damn day, that I’d been concentrating more. That—” A harsh breath escaped her. “It will weigh on my conscience for the rest of my life. Sometimes, the fact that Aidan covered it up is more than I can stand.”
“Boo fucking hoo,” I snapped, aware that Aidan tensed at that but I didn’t care, Lena hadn’t driven into a damn fire hydrant. “My wife is without a mother because of you.”
“And I’m going to go out of my way to be the mother she needs, even if I know I’ll never replace hers.”
My jaw turned to stone at that—couldn’t she see that wasn’t enough?
I shook my head, words escaping me as I tried and failed to process how fucked up this was. Was it any wonder I preferred to deal with business rather than this? Speaking of this shit just gave me heartburn and later on, when I was with Aoife, I felt like such a fucking piece of crap because I was lying to her.