“No,” she says, laying her hand on my arm. “That’s not a good idea.”
Startled, I glare at her hand before she drops it quickly. Uneasy under her weird as fuck attitude, I follow her lead, only to realize that we’re the subject of quite a few stares.
Why I don’t know, but with a tickle of awareness, I walk away, immersing myself in arranging snacks for the day.
After that, the day passes quickly, and I avoid the other adults, which means attempting to hang out with the kids. They’re wholly welcoming and don’t care about my awkwardness, which is when I realize it isn’t so bad. They only care about simple things, and I revel in that simplicity for a while because I know it will soon come to an end, at least for me.
Marie, I notice, also avoids adult interaction, and I take my cue from her, saying little to the other women who we work alongside. One of them, a woman about my age, with pretty red hair and dark eyes, asks about Enzo, and I repeat what I said before, that no, we are not together, amused when her face lights up at that.
It would seem Enzo’s ability to charm the ladies hasn’t waned, and with a small smile, I say absently, rearranging the blocks for the fiftieth time, “You should ask him out.”
“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” she responds, her cheeks blooming with color.
“Why not?” I ask, scanning the group for any trouble because children seem to have a propensity for it.
“Well, I need to wait for it. For the one to be chosen. Only then will it be right,” she says breathlessly, and I turn around to look fully into her face.
Her eyes glisten and she smiles at me with an intensity that makes no sense, and once again, I feel as though I’m missing something rather important, but after my interactions with Marie, I’m almost afraid to ask. Is Marie shy? Or should I be wary?
“What do you—that is to say, how will you know who “the one” is?” I ask tentatively.
“Oh,” she says, smiling. “Shepherd will tell me.”
Some part of me knew that was what she was going to say, and I mull over her words, trying to talk myself out of what I’m considering. We couldn’t possibly have landed ourselves in the middle of a religious sect hell-bent on managing the breeding practices of what’s left of the population. Right? I mean, Fate wouldn’t be that fucking cruel, would he? And yes, Fate has got to be a man because what woman in her right mind would think this shit up?
Does Cole know anything about this? Maybe that’s why he’s with this Marie chick. Possibly Shepherd has deemed it so. But why would Cole go along with it? Unless he wasn’t that invested to begin with, which seems to be the reigning theory in my heart these days.
We tried so hard to get past all the bullshit, at least, I thought we had, but in the end, he wanted someone without the baggage of our history, and I guess I can’t blame him. I’ve got enough of my shit to last me a lifetime, including trust issues that began at birth. And he’s got a fuck ton of pain staring him in the face at the death of his child—a child that was almost fully formed and ready to breach the world, only to be ripped violently from it.
I was a part of that death, whether intentional or not. Maybe every time he looks at my face, he sees the face of his unborn baby. Perhaps he resents me for not doing more, although he denied it. I will never know, but his reasons for being with Marie certainly support that theory.
In the end, why he chose Marie over me doesn’t matter. He did just that, and I have to pick up the pieces and move on. The ache in my chest says otherwise, but the stubborn bitch in my head persists. I love Cole, but I don’t need him, and I will do whatever it takes to live with it because that’s the only choice I have.
He’s stoic and brave, which precludes being scared and vulnerable, and deep down, I think he wasn’t willing to face his fears or be exposed, which means he turned from what we could have had because he can’t hide from it.
He’s taking the easy way out, and I don’t blame him. I’m not easy and never have been. I’m complicated, hard to get along with, strong-willed and suspicious, but I’m also caring, loyal, and strong. I deserve someone who loves all of those things about me and isn’t scared to face them, to face me and my past.
I will allow myself to wallow a little longer because I’m fucking human, and I feel, but I will pull myself together and figure it out. Whatever it is.
Over the next few days, I settle into a routine. I’m up at dawn to eat breakfast, and I snooze through the daily sermon. I haven’t been reassigned to a new duty, so I muddle my way through the nursery and try my best to get along with the other women while avoiding anything meaningful with Marie.
She’s never once asked me about Cole, even general questions about us being a part of the same community before he found his way here, and I haven’t offered anything. She’s nice, shy, and kind, but we’re not destined to be friends, and it’s in moments like these that I miss Michele the most.
Her effervescent laugh, need to be in everybody’s business, and comforting presence creates a void and I miss her desperately. Ours was a rocky history, but I know that in the end, she loved me, and I loved her. She was my only genuine relationship that made it past the shit of our past and was going strong into the future until hers was cut short.
End of the world lesson number 5,452 - cherish what you have while you have it because it’ll be torn from you tomorrow. I hope she’s with Jase wherever they are. Heaven, I don’t know. I do know that he loved her, and she finally got the man she deserved, and maybe she’s better off wherever she is because I can say definitively that being left behind is no fucking picnic.
Maybe Mich and Manny are enjoying the Jesus juice together, and I smile at the thought because it makes me happy to think of them waiting for me wherever they are even though I probably don’t deserve the celestial gift they’ve no doubt been given.
“Ahem.”
Glancing up, I’m surprised to find Cole standing at the door, his gaze scanning the room as it always does, preparing for any threat, for any eventuality. It’s one of the many reasons I always felt safe around him, but maybe that was a burden to him too?
His assessing gaze stops on me and my smile fades away. We stare for a minute, but as usual, I can’t define what he’s thinking and even with everything between us, my heart still stutters before speeding in my chest.
The moment shatters like glass when Marie touches his arm. He breaks away, his lips pulling into a gentle smile, and my stomach drops like a lead weight.
I look away miserably when he puts his hand over hers and speaks to her quietly, and I meet the curious stare of one of the women I’ve been avoiding.