“Well, you don’t have to worry. I know I have no chance of getting into Berkeley.” Liv hauled herself up from the couch, but Bryce caught her wrist before she could walk away.
“Hey.Talkto me. Do youwantto go to Berkeley?”
“No.” Liv shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest. Bryce cast her a skeptical look, and she sagged further before throwing her hands up. “Fine.Maybe.I don’tknow.It was just an idea. My advisor said it would be worth looking into, that’s all.”
Bryce patted the space on the couch beside her, and Liv plonked herself back down. “All right. Do they do scholarships?”
“I think so.” A scoff, and then: “This is stupid. It’s not like we can afford for me to move to California, and my grades aren’t that good anyway.”
“You must be doing something right if your advisor recommended it.” She crossed her legs, determined now not to let this go. “Can we drop this whole teenage brooding thing you’ve got going on and have a real conversation, please?”
Liv rolled her eyes, and it was answer enough. Apparently the brooding was written in her DNA.
“Why sociology?”
She shrugged. “I think I want to be a counselor or a social worker. Someone whoweneeded, growing up. Someone who helps people like us.”
An ache began to swell in Bryce’s throat, one of pride and surprise. One of awe. She’d had no idea Liv had thought like that. “I think that’s a great idea, Livvy.”
“Yeah?”
Bryce nodded, pulling on Liv’s damp braid softly. “Yeah. If that’s what you want, you have to go for it.”
“There are tons of other schools. I could just enroll in some community college nearby.”
She heard the doubt, the lack of commitment, in Liv’s voice and knew that it wasn’t what she wanted. She wantedBerkeley. California.And Bryce could imagine her there, studying in the sun and meeting new people, heading down to the beach on the weekend and living a life much less dreary than this one. She couldn’t blame her for wanting to get out of this dead-end — and, as of recently, death-riddled — town.
“Why are you holding back? If your advisor says it’s worth thinking about, it’s worth thinking about. Don’t sell yourself short.”
“Who are you fooling, Bryce?” Liv’s knee jigged up and down as she looked anywhere but at Bryce. “You can’t afford tuition or travel fees. We have no savings. I can’t just jet off to Berkeley.”
It felt like a punch to the gut, knowing Liv had to worry about money. Knowing that their situation was holding her back, making her feel as though she couldn’t have the life she deserved. Bryce had worked so hard to fix that, and yet it hadn’t done a thing for either of them.
“It’snotyour job to worry about money. It’s mine. I’ll figure something out. I can work a second job until you graduate and take out a loan.”
Liv shook her head. “You already do so much for me, Bryce.Toomuch.”
Bryce softened, squeezing Liv’s shoulder gently. “It’s my job.”
“No, it’s not.” Bryce could have sworn she saw Liv’s chin wobble. “It wasneveryour job. It’s not fair that I ruined your life.”
Heart wrenching, Bryce shuffled closer to her sister. “Don’t be silly. You didn’t ruin my life. Why would you ever think that?”
“You were right, Friday night. You just wanted one night to yourself, one night where you didn’t have to be my mom, and I ruined it.”
“I shouldn’t have said those things to you.” Her voice grew hoarse, broken, and it took everything in her to keep herself together. God, it was so hard. It had always been so hard. Would she always be this riddled with guilt over every mistake she made? “I was being selfish, and I was angry. The truth is, I could never have a night not being your mom. I worry too much for that. Not because I don’t trust you, but because I don’t trust myself to get this right. But I swear, Liv, I’ll do everything I can to help make Berkeley happen if it’s what you want. I made a vow to myself a long time ago that you’d get a better life than the rest of us, and I intend to stick to it.”
“I already have a better life.” Beneath her face mask, Liv’s eyes turned watery. “Because of you.”
She crawled into Bryce’s arms without warning, and Bryce’s eyes fluttered closed against her own tears. “I love you, Livvy. I’m always going to look out for you, even when you’re a pain in my ass.”
A laugh bubbled from Liv. “I love you, too.”
It wasn’t easy, this life, but Bryce wouldn’t change it for anything. She loved her sister too much. Loved taking care of her, even when it drained her and upset her and made her grieve at all the things she couldn’t have. And she would do anything to make sure Liv got the happiness she deserved, so that night, when Liv had gone to bed, Bryce finally called up that months-old email, and sent Genevieve Cox a reply.
Only to inquire, she told herself. Because if she was going to be paying for college tuition and rent deposit and plane tickets and God only knew what else, she’d need any job offer she could get, even if entertaining it at all left a shard of guilt embedded deep in her chest.
Thea would understand, Bryce told herself. She would have to understand.